Little Miss Perfect ✔~ trixya

Chapter 9: Losing You

Katya

The door slams in my face and I hear Trixie talk to someone outside of it for a while before the voices disappear. I slide down against the door, replaying her words in my head.

"This never happened."

I can't do that...
I can't pretend to never have felt the warmth of her lips or her skin against mine. Maybe I'm crazy or naive but I really thought we were having a breakthrough. I thought it could be me and her, that she could be mine.
How can she expect me to let it all go?
I can't. I may be losing her, but I can't pretend like our one moment of pure honesty never existed. Especially now when I know that whatever I'm feeling is much more than just lust.

"You kissed me, Trixie... not the other way around... How can I forget that?" I whisper to myself as I wrap my arms around my legs, leaning my head on my knees.

How can this be over before it's even begun?

I wish I could hate her for giving me hope and pushing me away, but I can't.
I know it's her religion, her family, her friends, and her beliefs and so how can I blame her? How can I hold that against her?
Still, it feels like my heart is being ripped out, going from complete bliss to heartache in less than a second.
There's nothing I can do, she's in full control over our future, and I know any interest she has is filled with reservations.

Usually I wouldn't have cared. I would have already moved on to the next girl, but Trixie is special. For some reason I can't give up on her. With one smile she had me captured. Just the way she looks at me makes me never want to leave her side. She is like a butterfly in a cold winter night, coloring the pages of my heart like a coloring book. 

Oh Trixie, you have so much to give, don't let the world steal away those colors you showed me, don't live your life in black and white.

You knew I was waiting for you, for any sign that you shared the same feelings as me, but I guess it's my fault for being naive. My heart is in your hands, please break it completely if you don't need it. Don't keep it, don't let it beat for you, don't touch it if you won't take care of it. You can't have me Trixie, not if I can't have you too, so don't pull me in, don't play with my heart, just let me be so I can give up loving you.

I get up from the floor, making my way downstairs and feeling my chest ache as I see Trixie settling in some guys lap and making out with him as a part of some drinking game. The worst part is that even tho it feels like someone's ripping my soul in half, I still can't take my eyes off the doll-like angel.

Fake a smile, Katya. Don't let them see, don't let her know how much it hurts. Take a deep breath, fake a smile and get out of here. Even if the whole world seems dark, this too will pass. 

I make my way through the crowd ignoring anyone who speaks to me until I am left alone on an empty road. My shoulders feel heavy as I make my way home, the weight of rejection pushing me down. 

Why is she so insistent on lying to her own heart?
Why can't I just be hers?
Why can't she be mine?

Even if the hope is gone, the dream fading by the minute, the memory can remain. The memory can remain as pure and beautiful, I will keep it like a picture in my heart. Even if I remain alone on this road, she and I can live together there. 

I wonder if she knows I'm loosing my mind. I wonder if she feels as lost as I feel. I'm sure I will spend sleepless nights thinking about her, but will she do the same?

Probably not.
She'll probably be fine.