Wanderlust

Lonely

Trigger warning: mental health and addiction

Meg's POV:

It’s been two days since Kate and I did it in Kasper’s guest room and now we’re back at my house. I’ve finally started driving again, using my mom’s car because mine got completely wrecked in the crash. I’ve been trying so hard not to push Kate away, but I can still feel myself getting distant from her, regardless of my efforts to hold on to what we have, and what it could turn into. I have a strong urge to ghost her and never leave my bedroom ever again, but I keep trying to fight it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself from blocking her and cutting all ties when she goes back to Georgia. It’s nothing she did, and that’s the worst part. I don’t want to hurt her, I just have extremely bad commitment issues, and ever since we confessed our feelings for each other, I’ve been scared shitless. Everytime I like a girl, the feelings go away within a week. Obviously it’s been longer than a week, but I can still switch up at any moment, and I want it to be different this time. I want to be able to get to know her, and let her get to know me. The full, completely unfiltered me. On the rare occasions that I have been able to keep feelings for a girl long enough for it to turn into something, it’s always ended with pain and sorrow. I can’t open up to anyone without getting scared or uncomfortable and going back into hiding. It’s so much easier to just sleep all the time or do things that I know I shouldn’t to distract myself from the pain. It’d be so much easier if I could just cut everyone off and be alone for the rest of my life. No one really knows me to begin with, they know the version of me that they want me to be. I think Kate’s different, I want her to be different, but even if she is, will I be able to let my walls down long enough to accept her into my life? The only way I’ll be able to tell is if I’m completely honest with her, but I don’t know how to be without coming off as weak or broken. It’s just so lonely and I’m running out of time before I reach my breaking point.

Kate’s been laying on my chest for about twenty minutes. We just woke up and she’s been innocently scrolling through her phone without a single idea that something’s wrong. I should tell her. I need to tell her. Nothing’s gonna get better unless I communicate with her.  

“Hey… Can we talk?” Well, it’s now or never. Here goes nothing.

“Yeah, of course bub, what’s on your mind?” I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

She rubbed my back until I was finally ready to talk. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me and I don’t know if you’re gonna want me anymore after you find out.”

She sat up and put my hands into her lap before looking into my eyes and attempting to cheer me up. “I will never, ever not want you. I’ll wait for you as long as you need me too, and I know that this world gets lonely sometimes, and I know that you might need your space at certain points, but I promise I’ll never leave you. I’ll always love you.”

My eyes started to tear up and I knew that I had to get my words out before it was too late. She’s too pure for this world and she needs to know the truth before I hurt her. I don’t want her to experience even half of the pain that I’ve dealt with. I wish I would’ve said it in a better, softer way, but instead I just blurted it out, which I immediately regretted. “I’m an alcoholic.” 

“W-what?” A few moments of silence, her trying to process, and me trying to plan my next move. Then she hit me with a hard ball. “Why did you get drunk at the AirBNB then?” I didn’t know what to say. My next sentence could be the make or break. No one wants someone as broken and as fucked up as me, so if I really want her, I to fight for her. But do I really want her? Or do I just want someone who accepts me and gives me love and support? Come on Meaghan, just deal with one problem at a time I thought to myself. I pulled myself together and tried to continue.