Wanderlust

Ending the Pain

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Alcohol, Hospitals

POV Meg

“What the fuck were you thinking you dumbass? Come on, get in the car, we're going to detox.”

The voice was familiar, but my head was aching and I couldn’t tell who was talking. As the tall figure emerged from the bright fog created by the headlights, I soon realized that it was Kasper. She probably thinks she’s gonna save my ass again, but this time, I’m not gonna let her. I don’t need help, I don’t need to be saved. I just want to be able to be broken without people constantly trying to put me back together. I’m humpty dumpty, I can’t be fixed, and I’m finally okay with that. I’m finally okay with being a pile of emptiness. I could lay on the floor forever and be perfectly content.

I groaned and turned away from Kasper, almost falling into the lake that rested behind me. “Meg, you need help. Come on. I’ve got coffee and bread in the car, then I’m taking you to detox so they can sign you up for rehab.”

“I’m not fucking going to rehab or detox or inpatient or all the other places you fucktards are trying to send me. Just leave me alone.” I took another big swig of the bottle before throwing it at the tree that Kasper was standing next to. She flinched and moved away from the shattered glass, but she didn’t move fast enough. One of the shards hit her in the neck and left a small cut.

“Holy shit.” She said the words, but I was thinking them. We were both in shock. I couldn’t stand here any longer and be observed like some sort of dangerous animal. I stormed past her, walking at first, but quickly picking up my pace to a full sprint. I was running in the middle of the street, and I didn't know where I was going, or even why I was running, but I knew that it made me feel free and powerful. This was something I could control.

I couldn’t control my life, or anything that happens in it, but I can control what I do with it. I can control who I allow in it. I can control how long it lasts. I can control if I wake up in the morning. I can control what I decide to do next. And what I decided to do next was something that I’m not entirely proud of. In fact, I’m not proud of it at all.

I fell to my knees, collapsing onto the cold pavement, the harsh rain hitting my back like thousands of reminders that I’ll never be someone that I’m proud of. When did it even start raining? I flattened my body and laid in the road, waiting for a car to hit me, waiting for something to happen that would make everything better.

POV Kate:

It was 3:30 in the morning and I woke up to 3 missed calls from Kylie and 6 missed calls from Kasper. I finally answered Kasper’s 7th call.

“Meaghan’s in the hospital, you gotta get back here as soon as possible.” I was speechless. Should I fly back to Illinois? Would I regret it if I didn’t? Why is she even in the hospital?

“What? Why?” The next words that left her mouth broke me into several pieces.

“She tried to kill herself.” The line went silent and the call dropped, leaving nothing but a subtle buzz from the phone and a giant hole in my heart. I woke my mom up and told her I was leaving. There weren’t any available flights until Monday, which was 3 days from now, so I decided to drive. I haven’t drove since the accident, but I didn’t really have a choice. I had to get back to her as soon as possible. I never should’ve left in the first place.

I’ve been driving since 4am with no stops, minus one strictly for gas, and I decided to finally stop to eat at 2pm. I got to the hospital at 5:30 and was greeted by Kasper and Kylie. Visitors weren’t allowed, but Meg was begging to see me and the doctors finally gave in.

I saw her sitting in the hospital bed with a gown and my eyes immediately darted to the wristband that was wrapped around her scarred arm. I stood a few feet away from her, not knowing what she wanted me to do. Was I supposed to comfort her? Was I supposed to grab her hand and keep her calm? Was I supposed to shove my own feelings to the side and pretend she hadn’t just broken my heart the day before? What was I supposed to do?

I decided to just talk to her. I sat in the chair next to the hospital bed, feeling her eyes on me as I moved around the room. “Hey.” I said, almost in a whisper.

“Hey.” Her voice was deeper and raspier than usual. She sounded awful. I saw the dark circles under her eyes and soon realized how pale and broken she looked. I felt bad for her. Suddenly, I forgot about all of my own pain. None of it mattered anymore. She didn’t hurt me because she wanted to; she didn’t hurt me because she’s a bad person; she hurt me because she loves me. Loving me was breaking her. She needed to push me away before she lost me. I finally understood, and not a single ounce of me could be mad at her anymore.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “Did you go unconscious at all?"

She hesitated, but finally answered. “They said I didn’t, but I can remember anything. I don’t remember what I did, I just remember why I did it.” We sat in silence, both of us crying, before she finally finished what she was saying with a simple “I’m sorry.”

I scooted closer to her and grabbed her hand, putting it under my chin with one hand, gently rubbing the scars on her wrist and forearm with the other. “Don’t be sorry. It doesn’t make sense for you to have to apologize for your pain. You don’t deserve any of this. I promise it’ll get better. I’m not gonna leave again. Ever.”

_________________________________________

sorry for making you guys cry with the last chapters