Wanderlust

Unbreak the Broken

Trigger warning: please don't read this if you're suicidal, this chapter goes more in depth about Meaghan's suicide attempt and I don't want anyone to use this as an instruction manual or for it to trigger someone. I'm writing this for three reasons, 1. to spread awareness 2. to let people know that they're not alone and 3. as an outlet because I'm currently going through some of this stuff. If you need help, contact the suicide hotline or DM me on Instagram, I'll always listen. The hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 and my Instagram is sarah.suhr50
Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story, and remember that you're not alone.
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*Time jump back to the night before, right after Meaghan ran away from Kasper*

I woke up in the grass in front of some random house. I vaguely remember crawling over here when I saw a car coming. It wasn’t because I changed my mind, it was because I was scared. But the fear that I faced every single day was so much worse than my fear of death. This is what I needed.

I looked down and saw my arms full of cuts. I didn’t remember those either. It looked like I gave them to myself, but I couldn’t remember when or how; I was still drunk out of my mind. It was probably back at the park with one of the glass shards from the bottle I threw.

I pulled out my phone and saw hundreds of missed calls and texts. Some from my friends, some from my family, lots from Kasper, none from Kate. It was 1am here, so it was 2 for Kate. Maybe she was sleeping, maybe Kasper hadn’t told her yet, or maybe she just didn’t care.

I needed to stop worrying about Kate. I needed to stop worrying about anything and everything. I needed to stop breathing. I jumped up and started running again, this time to the nearest Walgreens. I bought a bottle of Ibuprofen, a bottle of over the counter opioids, and a Monster energy drink. I walked back to the park, this time less eager to arrive at my destination. I unlocked my car and sat in the driver's seat. I grabbed my anxiety medicine and painkillers from the accident and put a few in my hands, along with what I had gotten from the pharmacy. I popped the pills into my mouth and chugged the energy drink, waiting to feel something, anything. Within seconds, everything went dark and a bright light suddenly flashed before me. These pills had the power to unbreak the broken. I was so close to getting what I wanted, but life returned to my body when I heard the sirens. I lifted my head off my steering wheel and attempted to look at the emergency vehicles behind me, but I physically couldn’t bring my body to do it. Now I was as broken on the outside as I was on the inside. My whole body was tingling and my face felt so relaxed. I couldn’t move my muscles, I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t laugh, I couldn't cry. This is what I wanted. But before I could reach the point of no return, the EMTs opened my car door and pulled me out. I remember my eyes being open, but nothing was registering. I was physically there, physically awake, but mentally gone, just like I had been for the past few months. It was at this moment that I realized I didn’t want to die, I just wanted things to change. I glanced around, this time forcing myself to take in my surroundings, and realized Kasper was sitting right next to me in the back of the ambulance. Kasper’s an amazing friend. I caught a glimpse of the bandage on her neck and got a flash of what I had done.

“Kasper… I’m so sorry." I tried to talk, but I doubt anyone could understand what I was trying to say.

“Shh, don’t talk.” She didn’t look mad, just worried and concerned. I don’t deserve Kasper, she’s too good to have someone like me weigh her down.

My throat was torn from the pills and the vomit and my brain was all jumbled, causing me to mix up my words. I choked on my tears as I realized everything that I had done. The fight with Kate, the relapse, the bottle, the attempt, everything. It all came back to me and part of me wished it hadn’t. I wanted to forget, but not in the way that I did when I drank. I wanted to become a new person and forget this version of myself. I wanted to become my own person and forget the pain, forget the way the alcohol changed me, forget whatever it is that I’ve become.