Wanderlust

If I Could Tell Her

POV Meg

It's been a couple months since the air bnb and I've spent every second of these months missing Kate. We FaceTime whenever we get the chance and we're basically inseparable, despite the fact that we're 800 miles apart. We play fortnite together, send each other silly pictures on Snapchat, and tell each other everything. She knows more about me than anyone I've ever met, and for once, the thought of that doesn't terrify me. Strangely, I'm okay with being open with her. I've said it before and I'll say it again; she makes me feel safe. I'm at home when I'm with her, or even when I'm just talking to her.

These past couple weeks, I've been fighting with myself. It's an ongoing battle between the side of me who wants to admit that I like Kate, and the side of me who thinks we're just best friends. I'm still so confused about my feelings for her. I dated the same girl for 4 years, so I don't really remember what it's like to start crushing on someone. My ex told me she liked me, I never really gave much thought to it before she confessed her feelings, so I never actually developed a crush on her. When she told me she liked me, I just went with the flow and we ended up dating. I can't do that with Kate. I wish I had something that magically told me if I like Kate or not. Hang on, maybe I do.

I take out my phone and call Kasper. "Meg? What's up? You don't usually call without texting first, are you okay?" Kasper is the smartest person I know. I'm confident that she'll know what to do.

"No, I'm not. I need your help with something."

"Okay, what's going on?"

"I've spent the past couple weeks confused about my feelings for Kate. I'm sick of being confused. I need to know if I like her."

"Okay, here's what you need to do. Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Write down all your thoughts and feelings about her. Read it all the way through, it should be obvious after that." I've never been much of a writer, especially when it comes to my feelings. But Kasper's almost never wrong, so I guess it's worth a try.

"Okay, I'll try it. I really hope this works. Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime bro. Hope it all works out."

We hung up and I immediately got to writing. I decided to write it as if it were a letter to Kate, I think that'll make it more authentic. Here's what I came up with.

"No one's ever made me feel the way you do. You can make me smile with one word, and make me laugh with one look. I feel like I can be my true, raw, completely genuine self when I'm with you. I don't feel judged or uncomfortable when we're together. When I got really drunk, you took care of me. You're respectful, not just to me, but to everyone you interact with. I've never met someone with a bigger heart than yours. You're the most caring, patient, beautiful woman I've ever met, and I long for your attention. Everything I do, I do it for you. I stopped texting and driving when I met you, because I started to care about if I live or die. I started being able to look in the mirror without breaking down because of you. You make me a better version of myself. You taught me how to love myself, because just being around you makes me a better person. You taught me what happiness is. You taught me what it's like to be scared of losing someone. You taught me how to start caring again. I was numb for so long, but you gave me my smile back, and I'll forever be grateful for that. There's so many things I wanna do with you. I've felt alone almost my whole life, and at a certain point, I turned the loneliness into my only friend. I've always wanted to travel, but I always thought I'd do it alone. Now when I think about my future, I picture us going to crazy places, like Bali or New Zealand. I never thought I'd find my person, but I have. I'd do anything for you, Kate. I'm so glad I met you. And I wish I could give you this letter. I wish I could tell you how I feel, because I have so much more to say than just this. I could talk forever and I still wouldn't be able to capture how I truly feel about you. There's not a word in the dictionary that can describe what you mean to me. But if I tell you I like you, I'll become vulnerable. So many things could go wrong. By giving you this letter, I'd be giving you my heart, and that's a really scary thought. I'm so sick of being hurt, and it's so hard to imagine you hurting anyone, but that's what I thought about everyone else who has broke me. I'm not ready for a relationship, but I just can't get rid of these feelings. I can't get you out of my head, and I'll be honest, that worries me. As amazing as it is to have you in my life, feelings are a dangerous game. I know I can never tell you any of this, and that hurts, but not as bad as it would if I gave you the opportunity to break my heart."

I put down the pen and reread the letter. I felt a couple tears roll down my cheek, but I quickly wiped them away, folded the note, and put it in the very bottom of my desk drawer. No matter what, no one can ever read that. But at least one things clear, I definitely have feelings for Kate. She's the best thing to ever happen to me and I really don't want to screw this up, even if that means staying friends.

I finally snap out of my head space and check my phone. 3 missed calls from Kate. Uh oh. I should call her back.

"Bro why'd you call me so many times?" I laughed. She looked at me and smiled that pretty smile.

"Bro why didn't you answer?" She teased. Well Kate, I didn't answer because I was busy writing a long ass letter about my gross feelings for you. Obviously I can't say that.

"I was playing fortnite and my phone was on the charger. Sorry." I knew this wasn't a very good excuse because Kate always wants to play with me.

"Without me?? Rude!" She laughed.

"It's not my fault you suck! Get better and I'll play with you more often!" I teased. She knows I didn't actually mean it, but I'd hate to accidentally hurt her feelings, so I almost always clarify when I'm joking. "I'm just kidding, I love playing with you."

"Okay, so the reason I called you is because I have some really exciting news to tell you!"

"What is it?" I ask.

"I met this really pretty girl and we've been talking for a few days and I think we're gonna date! She's so amazing, Meg. You'll have to meet her some time, I think you'd have a lot in common." Well we have one thing in common, we both like Kate.

My heart sunk when she told me this. I sat in silence for a couple minutes, trying to gather my thoughts. Maybe I'm just jealous and heart broken, but something about her eyes while she was talking about this other girl didn't feel right. She doesn't seem like she really likes her. Maybe I'm wrong though, maybe she does. Either way, I should try to be happy for her. She's my best friend after all.

"That's great!" I forced a smile and tried my best to sound supportive. "I gotta go, I have work tomorrow." I hung up before she could say anything. This shit hurts like a bitch.

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I can try to post another part tonight so you guys don't have to wait. Just let me know if you want me to