Blodreina

Guilt

Sage's POV

Later that morning Octavia and I finally got up and made our way outside for our daily training session. Since everyone drank last night the grounds will be empty for a while which gives us the perfect opportunity to train without everyone watching us. Or at least that's what we expected to find outside. Instead we found her brother sitting in front of the closed gate with his head in his hands, his body shaking from the slightly cold air or him crying. Most likely the latter since the weather is surprisingly nice for this time of year. By now we expected it to be colder than it is. Or at least that's what the experts have always told us growing up. At first we were going to leave him alone since he hates when people bother him when he gets emotional but after a few minutes of warming up we realize that he isn't getting any better. Instead he's getting worse. Instead of just his body shaking we can now hear him sniffling loudly in attempts to suppress his sobs and it's barely working. Sometimes it makes it more prominent. Getting up from the ground we brush ourselves off and carefully approach him in hopes he doesn't lash out. He never cries or rarely ever shows it so we're really curious to know what happened to cause this in the first place on top of being worried about him and the situation that caused it in general.

"Bell, what's wrong? What happened?" Octavia's voice startles him at first since we walked over so quietly but he quickly composes himself and simply shrugs in response. He also jumps when he feels us both reach out and rub his shoulders lightly, most likely because he didn't expect for me to be here too. But for some reason this calms him down even more and soon he tells us what's wrong. "Clarke. She left. She's gone." His voice sounds horse and grainy, from yelling for the blonde to come back and from crying. This doesn't make any sense though. Why would she just leave without telling the rest of us and for what reason? Knowing that he'll explain this soon enough we both sit down and lean into him more, giving him the physical comfort that he secretly craves from us. Although it does take a while, close to an hour of pure silence, he finally tells us what she told him when she was leaving not too long ago at first light. What happened at the mountain was too much for her to handle and although it took her until the early morning to realize that, when she did she knew she couldn't stay here. After pulling that lever in the mountain something within her switched back on and the guilt she started feeling was too much to handle. Especially with that decision was being made to save our people from the mountain men. Now every time she sees one of our friends that she saved by pulling that lever she'll remember who had to be killed to accomplish that. Those faces will haunt her forever and she doesn't feel like she deserves to stay here with us because of it.

"So her plan is to try and live in the forest by herself?" Now tired of speaking all we get in response is a nod. While the feelings that she's experiencing make total sense the idea of leaving and not staying here because of them doesn't. There are people that can help her here. Things that we need to do that'll keep her busy and mind off of it all. People who care about her and want her to be better. But instead she runs off into the forest by herself which means she's choosing to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on like she's supposed to. Not even that but the danger she put herself in is even more alarming because out of all of us she's the least experienced with weapons, besides a gun, and survival skills. Her chances of staying alive are slim at best. However based on how hard she fought for Bellamy to let her go she's seemingly made up her mind and possibly has also accepted her fate. Which is scary. Never in a million years would she let someone else do this but for some reason she thinks she deserves this. It's like she's punishing herself for killing people who were only hurting us and never planning on stopping. She knows this too but seeing all the children and Jasper holding Maya was probably what broke her. Along with the fact she didn't think she'd ever be capable of doing such a thing but without much hesitation she pulled that lever to save her people. Back up on the Ark she was a vocal critic of floating people to conserve our oxygen, but that's basically what she just did to those people within the mountain. She became the monster she feared and hated all her life just because she had no other decision to make. That or our people would still be in that mountain getting drilled and eventually killed just so their people could live on the ground for the first time in years.

"Don't worry. She'll be back soon." Although I don't believe them myself they're words that need to be said. That or he sits here all day by himself while desperately waiting for any sign of her out there. Waiting for someone who won't be back unless it's absolutely necessary or possibly if she's almost dead. But even then she might not come back because of how stubborn the woman can be when she's punishing herself for something that was out of her control. With one leader gone and another emotionally unavailable that means they'll now be coming to me for making the big decisions. Which is exactly what I don't need or want right now after learning my best friend has left. But knowing Bellamy he won't be ready to properly lead for a while and there's no one else to go to besides me without getting someone brand new involved. Knowing how the Ark used to work they'll never do that and will only go to people who have proven to be trustworthy. Not once, not twice, but on multiple occasions that they deemed to be good decisions and ones they'd make. Which means that Octavia and I will be the ones in charge until Bellamy gets back on his feet or Clarke miraculously decides to come back. That being a scary option considering how we both feel about living here and our closer connection to the grounders and their way of life. Meaning our normal leadership hierarchy is completely gone now. All of us either battling our demons or are losing the small amount of trust that we have left with our own people. Even if we did fight to get them all back too.

This is not how I thought my morning would go.