The Revival of The Force

38 sleepless nights

38 sleepless nights

Ben remembered Han's proud face when they've accomplished his first mission. It was one of the rare moments where they left their home planet together to defeat something or someone. For a few days, he left the Jedi school and Ben came to his father to gather experience with the Resistance. Who knew that one day he would do everything to destroy it. It still won. Because it wasn't filled with bad, not coming from the need of destruction and power, the Resistance was "good". He often wondered what would have happened if he had never turned to the Dark Side. He knew that he wouldn't be who he was now. Maybe he wouldn't be dead. Maybe he wouldn't love Rey or even know her. Maybe he would be so different that she wouldn't be interested in him. At the same time, Ben hated to think about what could have happened. Things turned out this way, nothing would be changeable. He spent his days sitting on his bed, thinking about his past, moments he cherished or hatred. His thoughts often drifted to memories when he was a Padawan. He remembered and replayed every lesson Luke gave him. And there were the days at Han's side, where he was proud and loved. One special day was the most viewed memory. A mission involving creatures bigger than any man, Siths in big numbers and a really good plan. Few other students from Luke accompanied them, but all that wasn't important. The discussion after the fights with Han, that was important. He told Ben how proud he was, how great he did and... how much he loved him. As he told Leia of Ben's bravery, who saved one Jedi in the last minute from being killed by a Sith, she smiled satisfied and took Ben in her arms. This was the day where Ben realised that his parents loved him no matter what. As he retreated to the dark Side, this memory played a main role, but not in a good way. He thought that even if he was a bad person, killing populations and planets, chasing Jedis, his parents would still love him. It used to give him courage to keep going. After all, love is all he wanted. He found a third person to give it to him. When people rested (for no particular reason since the brain was dead and didn't need any sleep to restore), Ben kept his eyes open. He wasn't tired anymore and he was tired of it. Then he saw himself, stabbing the lightsaber into Han, when he fell. These days, he screamed internally out of pain and guilt, mainly regret. He wondered what happened in his head when he killed his own father. He stood up immediately and left his room. He decided to walk somewhere on a random planet. It was not real, it was just in his head. This place made him sick. Replaying all these days didn't help him understand, it only hurt. All he wanted was to let go of his past. Wasn't there any way to rest in peace, be gone for good? Did he even deserve to be a Force Ghost? He didn't have a home. No, he did and it was calling for him. It didn't take long for him to arrive into Rey's room.
"I'm sorry for screaming at you," she started.
"I don't want to talk about to it," he stopped her.
She was in her simple beige clothes, her hair was released. Rey stood in the middle of the room, while Ben was half in a wall. With a little movement of his feet, his presence in the room was complete.
"I went on Kef Bir during my mission," she said after a little silence."Your lightsaber also called for me. I didn't take it. I thought maybe you prefer that it stays there, buried in the ocean."
"You did right," he smiled softly.
"But our two lightsabers are still buried on Tatooine. Maybe in a very distant future, there will be no teaching anymore, even with all my efforts. Or it gets destroyed again. So they will stay there and someone might find them when it's needed."
Ben didn't respond, but he approved in his head. He would know about this future, he would maybe be with Rey.
"How is it? Up there?" Rey asked.
"Dead," Ben responded.
She chuckled silently. Ben noticed that she also felt melancholic on this day. Rey sat down on her bed and wrapped herself in her blanket.
"I wish you would lie next to me and just hold me in your arms. In silence. Or not, I also love to talk to you. But I'd like to experience your embrace one day again."
"I promise you will," he smiled.
"I thought you would do it now," she grinned.
Ben moved to her bed and lied down next to her. He put his arm around her shoulder, her back against him. Her eyes were still opened, but he couldn't properly see them. No warmth came from her nor from the room. It could be thundering and it wouldn't affect him. After some time, he lifted his head to see her face. Her slow breath hit his cheek and her eyelids hid her green iris. He left a little kiss on her forehead.
"I love you," he whispered and disappeared again.
It gave him peace to keep up the rest of the "night". He saw her warm face instead of the cold memories.
In the early morning, Leia visited him. "Still hasn't changed here," she remarked. She sat down on the only chair next to the little table. "The Jedis have decided to do an Assemble on Yavin IV. I really want you to come, Ben."
With a straight back, he lifted his body from the bed. Shaking his head, he declined.
"For your mother, please," she begged.
"Why?" Ben asked with a broken voice.
"They might decide things about you, you know?"
"What? I am dead, there is nothing to decide."
"We are able to do many things, Ben," she only answered with her mysterious smile. "Now, will you come?"
"Fine, but give me the freedom to leave if I want to."
"Deal," she smiled. "You know that I love you, right?"
"I know, mum, I love you too."
Leia didn't hide her surprise well, it was the first time he was affectionate with her. The only time he ever said that he loved her.
"You moved us all last time. It changed – "
"Can we not talk about it?" Ben interrupted.
"Of course. See you later. And why don't you wear some colour?"
She left him in his dark clothes. How would he ever be able to wear some colour? Seemed quite impossible to him...