Ineffable Bureaucracy (One/twoshots)

Things Beelzebub has said to Gabriel

"I'm a demon, I'm not nice."

"There are many beautiful creatures. No, you are not one of them."

"We don't need curtains. Because Hell is underground. No I don't like the lavender ones."

"It's called the pit of the peach. The humans don't eat it, say it's inedible. Wanna try?"

"Will you sit your toned ass down and stop pacing, I'm trying to watch Martha Stewart."

"So if you blush purple, what color does your penis turn?"

"Put down the goose!"

"Gabriel, what are you listening to? The fuck does "WAP" mean?"

"It's a gay flag Gabriel. No it isn't a disease, it's thing you are born with. Stop gawking at them, they have glitter and they smell fear."

"Did you touch my ass? Do it again."

"Crowley's dancing on the lawn again."

"What happened to our spoons?"

"Where are your pants?"

"Why can't I eat it? But I like the taste of glass."

"I want it. Who cares if it's a goat? It eats everything, has horns, is covered in flies all of the time. You basically fuck a goat."

"How dare you call me a goat."

"What is that? Do you know what pornography is? Would you like to find out?"

"It's called BDSM. Ask Crowley, I think he invented it."

"I FOUND A GUNEA PIG."

"No, tomatoes are gross. Put it down. PUT IT DOWN."

"You bought a home gym system and itty-bitty shorts, and you expected me to not watch you?"

"I don't need to work out. Can sex count as a work out?"

"Why is our remote in the fridge?"

"No. You can not put the fork in the toaster. Go ahead then, see what happens."

"Did you kidnap the puppy? Put it back before it pisses on your shoes."

"Did you eat my fucking eggplant."

"DO NOT HIT BUZZBUZZ WITH THE DAMN SWATTER."

"No you can not spank me with a fly swatter."

"It's an bearded dragon. His name is El Diablo."

"Babe. Babe. Do not eat the cow. Do not eat the cow."

"How was I supposed to know you have to cook it?"

"I bet Crowley is bigger."

"Stop crying you pathetic baby."

"This place is pretty."

"You look lovely tonight."

"What about this apartment?"

"Oh he's a cute kitten."

"What's all this for?"

"I'll see you tonight."

"This place is fancy."

"Earth is beautiful tonight..."

"What are you doing?"

"Gabriel..."

"Yes yes yes yes!"

"I love you too."

"Why am I the one in white?"

"Never mind why have you not put on a black suit before?"

"I do."

"Babe?"

"I think we're going to have a baby."

"They certainly are your kid."

"That is your baby until ten in the morning."

"His first word was dada!"

"THE BABY NO LONGER HAS A TOOTH."

"How did you manage to get into that."

"Don't cry... he is still your baby."

"First day of kindergarten."

"First day of first grade."

"Second..."

"Third..."

"Fourth..."

"Fifth.."

"Sixth.."

"Seventh.."

"Eighth..."

"High school.."

"Graduation..."

"He'll be home soon Gabriel."

"I think he loves him. I think they are going to get married soon."

"He wants you to officiate."

"Don't cry baby... it will be okay. He is happy."

"Look at this beautiful baby! I told you they were going to adopt!"

"She looks like her grandpa. Oh stop."

"Baby...? Gabriel? Wake up..."

"Please wake up..."

"... I love you. I will be with you soon."