Chapter 27

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That day at school, I ignored him as best as I could. I carried all my stuff with me so I didn't have to visit my locker where I knew he'd be waiting for me. I ate lunch alone because Sèan, Riley, Mark, and I usually eat together. The only time I couldn't avoid him was Math class. I thought about skipping, but I can't afford many more absences. Mark and I worked really hard to get my grades up and if I wanna keep it that way, I need to pay attention in class. Or at the very least, show up.

I walked in and Mark was sitting in the seat next to mine which I expected. I smiled weakly at him and just set my bag down next to him, taking my usual seat.

"What's going on, Eth?" He asked, staring at me. I tried my best to avoid eye contact. "What happened yesterday? I'm worried."

"Nothing," I said convincingly. I furrowed my eyebrows as if I were concentrating on the work we were assigned, but I think we could both see through that.

"Come on," he said, taking my hand under the table and stroking his thumb across the back of my hand gently. "It's me. You can talk to me."

Once the teacher started taking attendance, I pulled my hand away and picked up my pencil.

"I know I can but I just don't really want to, okay?" I said. I didn't mean to snap at him but he's being so nice and it's making this so much more difficult. "I just... I really need some space right now, okay?" I asked, looking up at him. He looked hurt, but tried his best not to show it.

"Yeah," he said understandingly. "Okay. I'll be over there with the guys if you need me, alright? Just send me a text or something."

He flashed me a smile and waved as he gathered his things and went to go sit with his friends. At his absence it felt both like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and like another one was added.

Once math class ended, I was out of the classroom immediately. Riley was waiting by the door and greeted me happily, but I speed walked right past her. I didn't want to seem like an asshole but the thought of Mark talking to me again terrified me.

It took forever to reach the boys bathroom. Much longer than I remember, but once I was there I tucked myself away in the furthest stall and held my backpack tightly to my chest. I sat on the closed lidded toilet and took some deep breaths.

I miss it when Mark hated me and I hated him. I miss it when it was just me and Riley against the world. Now its just me. I'm all alone.

My phone kept buzzing in my pocket, but I tried my best to ignore it. When it kept going I took it out of my pocket with the intention of shutting it off, but a message caught my eye.

Amidst a spam of Riley's "Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Answer me. Please. Ethan,"s, there was a single "we need to talk" from Mark.

"I agree," I texted back.

Mark: Are you busy after school today?

Me: Yeah kinda. Sorry.

I lied. I have nothing to do after school at all. I plan to go home and stare at my wall and collect my thoughts and try my best to process everything that's happened yesterday.

Mark: it's okay. I just want to know what's going on. I want to help, Ethan...

Mark: I care about you.

It took me a good ten minutes of deleting and retyping and deleting and retyping to work up the courage to say what I needed to.

I wanted to tell him about what Amy said. About how badly she misses him and how great they were together, but I knew that he'd resent her for it. There was nothing I could do besides lie. I told him I want to stop.

Me: Mark, I really didn't want to do this over text but I couldn't bring myself to do it in person. You probably don't even care because ik you aren't gay but I think we should stop doing whatever it is we're doing. And I really wanna stay friends, but I genuinely don't know if I could do that. I'm sorry. Thank you for everything. Pls don't respond, it'll just make things worse.

After sending the message, I became what I could only describe as numb. Not the kind of numb that I felt looking into Mark's bathroom mirror yesterday. It was a kind of numbness that felt protective. I felt okay, as if a path was cleared amidst my cluttered thoughts and I could finally walk again. It didn't feel good necessarily, but it didn't feel bad. It felt like nothing, and in this moment, nothing was better than anything else I could possibly feel right now.

It only really hit me when I checked my phone about an hour later right after I sat down on the bus. He hadn't responded so I opened our messages.

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A/N: ahh this is really short I'm sorry. 894 words.

ETHAN HIT 2 MIL ON YOUTUBE TODAY AHHH IM SO PROUD

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