Chances

Chapter 25

"What the hell do you mean Myla asked you out on a date and what do you mean you said yes?" Carina questions harshly, crossing her arms across her chest. Any gentleness and concern on her face vanished in an instant, catching Lily off guard. "You cannot be serious right now."

Lily knits her eyebrows together in slight confusion. She doesn't quite really know what kind of reaction she was expecting, but that certainly wasn't it. "I am serious, Carina. Why are you getting so-"

"-Unbelievable," the younger girl huffs out as she throws her hands up in exasperation before she begins pacing back and forth.

Lily walks up to her and wraps her fingers around her wrist, stopping her movements and turning her around so they're looking at each other. She doesn't know why Carina is getting so riled up over this considering the only reason why Lily said yes was because she was thinking of her. "Hold on now. I was trying to do the right thing because I-"

"-By agreeing to go out with someone else?" Carina shouts, surprising the older girl by her unexpected hostility. "Because that makes total sense!"

Lily immediately scoffs. She wasn't upset before, but Carina's judgmental and reproachful tone was really getting to her now. She's being totally out of line here. "Oh, don't be such a hypocrite," she chides. "You're literally doing the same thing with Daniel so you are in no position to be criticizing me."

"That is not the same thing."

"It's exactly the same thing!" Lily counters, her body growing warm with frustration and anger. Her hands are clenched in fists at her sides. "You agreed to be Daniel's girlfriend to dispel the fucking rumors and I agreed to go out with Myla to stop any suspicious she had of there being something between us! How is that not the same thing? How come you're in the right but I'm in the wrong?"

"You could have told her you weren't interested like you should have from the start," Carina protests. Way to avoid the question. "You could have told her that you didn't want to go out with her and that you would just rather remain friends with her instead of leading her on."

"Of course," Lily laughs bitterly, shaking her head. She can't even believe how Carina is acting right now. She's being completely irrational and quite frankly, she's being stupid. "I try to do something for us and somehow I'm always the one who winds up being the bad guy. Nothing I do is good enough for you now, is it?"

"Do you like her?" Carina accuses bluntly, once again completely avoiding Lily's statements. "Is that why you said yes to her? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised. With all that time you spent alone with her while working on your 'project'? No wonder she thought it was fine to ask you out. You probably gave her reasons to believe she could."

Lily jaw drops as she brings her palms to either sides of her head and stares at her with eyes wide in complete bafflement. "Carina, do you even hear yourself right now? Are you even listening to me at all? Because from the looks of it, everything I say is going in one ear and out the other with you!"

"You didn't answer my question," Carina replies in deadpanned tone.

"Well you're completely avoiding everything I'm trying to say myself!" Lily brings her fingertips to her temples to try and ease the pounding headache she's beginning to get. Her yelling was making her throat hurt, but that wasn't going to stop her. "Why should I listen to you if you're not even fucking listening to me? I cannot believe you would come charging at me with that kind of accusation!"

She then takes a step towards Carina, their faces only a couple of feet apart. She's pissed now. She is doing this for Carina-for them and Carina is being nothing but inconsiderate, ungrateful, and difficult. It's like she refuses to see things from Lily's perspective and she only chooses to see the bad, versus what Lily's true motives were for when she accepted Myla's date.

But Lily's feelings of spitefulness are getting the best of her and her new motive now is to make Carina feel as shitty as she is making her feel.

"And you don't own me," Lily continues callously, her eyes burning into Carina's dark ones. Her breathing is getting unsteady as her blood boils inside of her, her words tasting like sweet venom. "In case you haven't noticed, we are not together and that's all because of you so you cannot be getting all pissed off at me for something that's your fault. You can't tell me what to do nor can you stop me because you are in no position to be telling me who I can and can't be with and who I can and can't kiss. We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if it weren't for you ."

Carina flinches back slightly against Lily's menacing words and tone. She then stares at her blankly, but soon enough, her eyes become glassy as a thin layer of tears forms. "So you lied to me then," her voice cracks and suddenly she looks much smaller than usual. "You do resent me. Is that why you're doing this? Is that why you're going out with her tonight? To make me feel bad because I can't give you what she can? Because you're tired of waiting for me?" The look in her eyes has shifted from emotions of pure anger to absolute pain.

"No, God, Carina, will you just listen-"

"-Lily, you literally just blamed me for this!" Carina screams hoarsely as she points a finger at her own chest, voice tightening up as tears run down her cheeks freely. "You just blamed me for us not being together-for pushing you towards saying yes to Myla. But I am trying . Okay? I-I am trying as best as I can for the sake of us, but by you accepting her date, it's like a fucking slap to the face. It's you telling me that I'm not trying hard enough.

"And I-I've come such a long way and it's getting easier for me. I don't care if people see us talking or hanging out anymore because you are by far the most important person to me. Can you blame me for being upset that you're going to fucking go out on a date with Myla? I know we are not together officially, but I would never agree to go out with someone else because at the end of the day, I belong to you. But I guess you can't say the same thing now, can you? It was supposed to be you and me going out together tonight but instead you chose Myla over me."

Carina's words were barely comprehensible as she went along, the mixture of her sobbing and her throat closing up on her was making it hard to speak. But Lily heard and understood every word.

Her brown eyes look absolutely miserable and downright hurt. But the fact that Carina would completely disregard everything that they have together is so upsetting. She's talking as if she doesn't mean the world to Lily. She's talking as if everything that Lily has done thus far hasn't been for her. She's talking as if Lily doesn't want to be with her just as much as she does. How can Carina even stand there and question everything?

"Look, I really thought I was-"

"-Just go," Carina interjects curtly. She turns around so her back is completely faced towards her. "Go on your fucking date for all I care now. Just don't come crawling back into bed with me after when you get back. I'm not going to be your little Plan B."

Lily looks at her, mouth slightly agape in offense. Why is Carina acting so cold towards her? Nothing Lily does ever seems to quite be enough to satisfy her and she's getting sick of it. She can't cater to every single one of Carina's wishes. It's hard enough for Lily to pretend like she isn't head over heels for Carina. It's hard enough not being able to hold her hand and kiss her wherever, whenever. It's hard enough not to be able to show the world just how much she means to her.

But there's no point in waiting here and arguing with her. Things seem to always go so well for them for a bit before they get yanked back twice the distance and Lily is tired of trying so fucking much and have it all be in vain. She was trying to do the right thing by accepting Myla's date tonight and look where that's gotten them. It's like they're just not meant to be together.

Lily stands there silently, staring at the back of Carina's head as she listens to her muffled cries, her narrow shoulders trembling with every quivering breath she takes. It pains her deeply to see Carina crying, knowing it's because of her, but Lily is hurting too.

So she does what Carina told her to do and she grabs her purse before she turns on her heels and heads towards the door, wiping the few angry tears that escaped her eyes during her moment of rage and fury. She places her hand on the door handle but before she opens it, she says calmly, just loud enough for Carina to hear, "I always have put you first. If I weren't thinking of you earlier when she first asked me, I wouldn't be walking out this door right now. I know you can't see it now, but that's your problem. I'm not going to try to prove anything to you anymore."

And with that, she walks out the door, not giving Carina a second look.

-

"Are you sure that you're going to be okay?" Myla asks with a look of concern on her face as she drives the car back to campus. The dim lighting provided by the interior illuminates her face gently, casting dark shadows along the walls of the car behind her. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well tonight."

Lily wasn't exactly lying. She was feeling like absolute shit the entire time they were at the restaurant. She barely touched her food and what she did eat tasted bland and unappetizing. She could hardly pay attention to Myla while she was talking and although she knew how utterly rude and disrespectful it was, she just couldn't bring herself to focus on her because she couldn't stop thinking of Carina.

She sincerely believed that she was doing the right thing by going out with Myla tonight. She wanted to protect Carina so she said yes in order to diffuse any sort of potential suspicion that Myla had. She could have said that she wasn't interested, because she obviously isn't, but she didn't think one platonic and friendly outing would hurt. Just one date and that was it.

Or at least she didn't think it would hurt. She can't believe how upset Carina was and how she totally blew things out of proportion. Lily was jealous when Carina told her about her 'dating' Daniel because she didn't like the thought of everyone else associating Carina as his girlfriend, but she got over it and let it go because it was for Carina's sake and it was in her best interest. Is that not what Lily is doing now?

She genuinely wanted to try to get Carina to calm down and get her to think things rationally and view things from Lily's side, but as soon as Carina accused Lily of hooking up with Myla, she was livid. If it was Carina's goal to hurt her, she certainly succeeded. That was a slap to the face. That was Carina questioning everything that they have as if it wasn't emphatically clear that she means everything to Lily.

But their argument tonight was one where although they both said some impulsive and ugly things to each other, most of what slipped out of their mouths rang true and it revealed their inner thoughts.

Carina confessed that she clearly didn't trust Lily with Myla and Lily confessed that she does resent Carina for them not being together yet, even when she said she didn't. Lily knows that's not a fair thing to be upset over, but it's also not fair because Lily has to hold herself back for Carina's sake. They can't constraint their "relationship" to the four walls of their dorm room forever.

Lily sighs and presses her thumb and middle finger against her temples. The headache never really went away. "Yeah, I'll be okay," she says to Myla half-heartedly. She knows she's just lying to herself. She's the furthest thing from okay.

They continue the short drive back to campus and within a few minutes, the car is parked in Myla's designated spot.

Lily doesn't get out though. She just continues to sit there in the dark, hands in her lap. If she were to get out, that would mean that she has to go see Carina, who just so happens to be the last person she wants to see right now.