Chances

Chapter 44

Lily's eyes drop down to the ground, refusing to meet Carina's careful stare.

"Please don't be mad at me," Carina whispers softly and desperately. She places her hands on either sides of Lily's neck, using her thumbs to stroke the underside of her jaw. Then, with a small sigh, she leans in and rests their foreheads against each other until the tips of their noses touch.

Lily stays still in her spot. She doesn't react to Carina's closeness or her words. That is, until after a long moment of silence when she mumbles lowly, "I'm not mad."

The lack of enthusiasm and dead tone in her voice would suggest otherwise.

But Carina continues to hold her face and she continues to gently nudge their noses against each other, breathing the same air that Lily is.

"I know this is such a lousy explanation," Carina explains quietly, caressing her cheeks, "but I'm doing this because I love you. You know that, right?"

It takes her a few seconds, but Lily eventually nods her head. Then she brings her hands up to enclose her fingers around Carina's wrists. "I know. I just... wish you could see just how far you have come since day one. You've changed so much, Carina, and I don't want you to disregard and ignore everything you've done thus far as if you didn't make any progress. You're not who you were before."

"No, I know," Carina replies honestly, "and I am proud of myself for what I have done and accomplished, but I'm not proud of hurting you in the midst of it all. I wouldn't know what I would do if I hurt you again."

Lily's breathing is low and steady, her cool breath lightly breezing past Carina's lips with every delicate exhale. They stand there silently, but clearly with so many words swarming in both of their heads. Carina wishes she could take her back. Lily is willing and ready to take her back at this instant, but it's so much more complicated than that. Two people can love each other as much as they do, but that's not enough sometimes.

Then Lily takes a small step backwards, all too soon, making Carina's hands drop down to her sides limply.

"Carina, I get that you don't want to hurt me," Lily frustratingly huffs out, voice louder than usual, "but that's what you're doing right now. It hurts me every day to look at you and know that I can't have you, even though I was the one to break up with you. But I broke up with you because I knew that you needed time and because you resented me for what happened and because we were toxic for each other at the moment. But we're not like that right now. You're not at all in the state that you were in a couple of weeks ago. I haven't seen you better than you are right now."

Carina runs her fingers through her hair, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to maintain her composure. She gets how Lily is feeling, but yelling and arguing are only going to make things worse.

"I know that, Lily, I do. You have no idea how much I want you, but-"

"-well I'm right here," Lily whispers, taking a step towards her, instantly cupping her face and looking her deep in the eyes. "I'm right here ."

Carina purses her lips tightly, fighting with every inch of her willpower not to take Lily back in her arms and kiss her for hours. There's nothing harder than holding back against your one and only desire, especially when she's standing directly in front of you with open arms.

"I... I can't," Carina reluctantly manages to get out after a long while.

Lily shuts her eyes closed and drops her head, letting her long, dark hair hang down. She slowly removes her palms off of Carina's cheeks and, without looking up back at her, she simply says, "okay."