Chances

Chapter 27

She covers her mouth with an unsteady hand and feels a deep sob inside of her chest, fighting its way to come out and her throat tightens up. She was trying this entire time not to cry, but now she's feeling everything all at once and she's not holding back. Burning tears well up in Lily's eyes and her heart aches as crippling sadness overwhelms her.

Why does this feel so much like a goodbye?

--

Lily gazes up from her book and her eyes shift over towards Carina, who's sitting at her desk, working diligently on one of her assignments. And of course they aren't speaking to each other.

They haven't spoken at all these past couple of days since their little talk on the roof, so needless to say that she's been feeling pretty lonely even with Carina in the room. She hasn't said a single word to Lily, nor would she even throw a glance her way. Carina simply acts like Lily doesn't exist. Like she doesn't even matter anymore.

Lily misses her voice and she especially misses her own name coming out of her mouth. She never loves her name more than when Carina says it and she hasn't said it in a while. She misses her in every way, even though she's just 10 feet on the other side of the room.

But on top of Carina ignoring the shit out of her, they're on a strictly platonic relationship. No hugging, kissing, or touching in any way. Lily was so used to always greeting Carina with a hug and kissing her goodnight that it's weird not being able to do something that was so routine to her. It's a shame how you never appreciate things as much until they're completely out of your grasp.

Lily wants to say something, but what good would it do? Carina has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with her and anything that she says won't make things better.

But when Lily sees Carina's phone on top of the desk, an idea pops in her mind. Maybe she can't literally say something to her, so what about a message?

Lily unlocks her own phone and clicks on Tumblr. She and Carina more so just text and talk to each other now so there isn't quite that much need to message one another on Tumblr like they used to, but it just might make things a little bit more personal, sincere, and sentimental if she brought this back up. After all, not that long ago, Carina did the exact same thing when the roles were reversed and it was Lily who was mad at Carina.

Lily hands tremble as she types in the username she's become most acquainted with before tapping on the 'Message' button.

She doesn't need to send her an elaborate and well thought out message. She really only wants to say a couple of things right now.

notso-green: i'm so sorry. i miss you.

Lily's heart races in her chest as she continues to stare at the phone, fingers itching to click on send. But her nerves are holding her back. Is it wrong to be doing this? Is it guilt tripping her? However, she's so desperate for just some sort of acknowledgement from Carina and that's her exact motive for finally tapping the send button.

She holds her breath as her eyes instinctively shoot up to look at Carina and her phone. It lights up, which catches the younger girl's attention. Lily exhales a few shaky breaths as she watches Carina cranes her neck to look at the notification on her phone. But her body tenses as she gazes at it for a few seconds before diverting her attention back to what she was doing before, leaving the message unread.

Lily would be lying if she said she didn't half expect her to disregard and ignore it, but it still doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt any less.

Her head and shoulders slump down, disheartened and crestfallen. Her hair falls down like a dark curtain around her face and her heart twinges with pain. As if the past few days without talking to her weren't bad enough. As if the talk that they had on the roof wasn't bad enough. She really felt like that was Carina's way of saying goodbye.