Fix Me (Alternative ending)

Chapter 72

Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide, self harm, eating disorders

Remington steps past his husband to leave the room. Andy watches him, his expression that of confusion and hurt. Is it that Remington simply doesn't love him anymore?

The boy turns when he reaches the top of the stairs. He looks at Andy for a moment before descending. Andy follows behind and into the kitchen, where Remington looks at him again.

"I don't understand," Andy says, his tone saying as much.

Remington sighs.

"Why? Why do you wanna 'call it quits'? Have you forgotten how much we've done for each other? And what about the love you've got for me? Or have you lost that along with your soul?"

"It's not like that," the younger mumbles shamefully.

"So then tell me what it is like, because if you think I'm gonna watch you walk out of this house and not try to stop you with everything I have, then you're wrong." He gets closer to Remington, who's leaning against the counter. "Don't you remember what happened right here?" He asks, putting a hand to the counter. "I made you a cheese sandwich. Remember? And you ate it and you were so proud and happy because you'd eaten it." He looks down. "And how about over there, by the fridge?"

Remington doesn't follow his gaze.

"That's where we fucked a couple weeks ago. We were both going through shit and it made us feel okay because, at the end of the day, we had each other. Remember that? We had each other, physically and mentally." He steps away from Remington. "And on the table? Care to remember what happened there?"

The boy says nothing.

"That's where you ate that cheese sandwich. It's where you've eaten most nights and every time you finish a meal, you're so happy and proud. And you know what? So am I, Remington. I'm so proud of you. But I guess that doesn't matter now, huh? I might as well say how much of a disappointment you are, because that shouldn't bother you if you don't wanna be married no more."

Remington looks up at him and then quickly back down.

"You're really not gonna say anything? Does it mean that little to you? All these years, have you never even loved me the way you say you do?" He shakes his head, laughs slightly. "Honestly, Remington, you should've just said no when I proposed."

Remington can't lift his gaze.

"'cause at least then I would've known where we stand before putting my whole damn life into this. I thought you cared, Remington. I thought you cared about me and about us and I thought you'd at least have the decency to tell me how you're feeling rather than just claiming you want a divorce and then not fucking talking. And you wanna know something? Looking back now, I should've gone to America, shouldn't I? I should've left you and gone to America and then this wouldn't be happening and some stranger could be balls deep inside you because clearly-" he raises his voice, "-clearly you'd have no problem fucking someone else, would you?"

Remington stays still.

"I mean...God, I've been so stupid, thinking you'd ever love me. And you wanna know the sad thing, Remington? It's that I fucking adore you so much and you know what this is doing to me? It's fucking breaking me, Remington, breaking me! So congratulations. You've successfully broken me and our marriage in one go. I hope you're proud. I hope you go to sleep tonight smiling because of this. 'cause I, for one, will not be doing that! But of course, you don't care about that, do you?"

"It's not like that," Remington mumbles again.

Andy laughs. "Oh, it's not? It's not like that? Then why did you say it? Why would you even think to say something like that if it wasn't like that? Admit it! You don't love me, you don't want me, you don't care about our marriage or all the times I've literally stopped you dying! D'you think I'd do what I've done for you for anyone else? No! I wouldn't! I wouldn't do half the shit I've done for you for anyone else in the world, Remington! Does that mean anything to you; to know that you're the only person in the damn world who I'd actually jump off a bridge for? You're the only one I'd let go to sleep on me and not move you when my arm or leg goes numb. You're the only one I'd carry to bed, the only one I'd read a fairy story too, the only one I'd ever, in a million fucking years, cut myself over!"

Remington hears him inhale sharply.

"I suppose you forgot that, too, huh? How I was this close to overdosing because you weren't talking to me and I needed you and I thought you genuinely did hate me! And guess what? I was right, wasn't I? I was fucking right! You do hate me!" He shakes his head. "Why don't you fucking cut my arm for me? Because we both know damn well that's what's gonna happen so why don't you just save me the hassle and do it for me?"

The boy blinks tears away.

"Remember how you came home after I sent that song? Remember how worried you were? Or was that an act? Did you care at all that I was in that state? Do you care now? Would you try and stop me if I reached for a knife, of would you stand there and watch without talking?" He sighs heavily. "And you know damn well that no matter what you've done or said to me, I will always do everything I fucking can to keep you from harm. You know that! So why-why- are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you to deserve this, Remington, what the fuck did I do? All I've ever done is loved you! Don't you see that? I've never not loved you! You've pissed everyone off before; your brothers, your fans, and who has never abandoned you? Who?"

Remington plays with his fingers.

"Me! Remington, me! I haven't ever abandoned you! And you know the irony? You have! You've abandoned me! You've left without an explanation! You've blanked me and left me on read and it took a literal song about suicide for you to see that I wasn't okay! How the fuck do you think that make me feel? How the fuck do you suppose I go about my day without feeling like a complete joke? Tell me, because I don't know!"

"Andy..."

"I was so willing, Remington, to help you. To keep you safe, hug you, make you feel better. So willing! And I did that! I did that every day for years! Remington, years! And what do I get in return? No 'thank you'! No 'I appreciate you'! No! What I get is a 'marriage is more than love, let's call it quits'!" He hits the side. "You think this relationship is based solely off love? Its not! It is built from everything I do, Remington, everyday, for you! Sure, I love you. But that doesn't mean everything else I do comes with it. I love Sebastian but I don't leave my band and cut myself over him, do I? I love Lonny but that doesn't mean I have a breakdown whenever we fight. Our marriage is built from trust! Trust and fear, Remington! Because you're so scared of being left that I do so much to make sure you don't ever have to feel that fear! And now what? You're gonna leave me? And for what? For being a good husband? For not letting you kill yourself or starve to death or whatever the fuck else you do? Oh yeah, seems fair to me! Seems like a really nice thing for you to be doing! Thanks so much! I feel so appreciated right now, it's unbelievable!"

Remington wipes his eyes.

"And yet here we are, you're crying, and I, for some fucking stupid reason, feel the need to tell you it's okay. Why do I wanna do that? Why do I feel the need to comfort you when I'm the one in the midst of a fucking meltdown?" He closes his eyes for a second. "I could go one for days, Remington, but I won't. But just know that there is no guarantee that I'll even live to see tomorrow morning." He looks at the boy. "But clearly you don't care."