Fix Me (Alternative ending)

Chapter 14

Trigger warning - mentions of panic attacks, hallucinations.

Remington never thought he'd be the one helping Andy through a panic attack. He didn't expect any of this to happen. The hallucination, the fight because Remington was overwhelmed, and then Andy launching into a panic attack. It was unexpected on Remington's behalf but Andy knew it was coming. He just wishes he could have been on his own when it happened, not ready to talk about it with anyone, specially not his own husband who already has too much on his plate.

Now, after the ordeal, at nearly 5 am, they can't sleep. The air between them is not the usual easy atmosphere that's usually present. It's awkward. Andy, embarrassed and totally lost for what to say, and Remington, confused, still shaken from earlier events. They're quiet and they both know they shouldn't be because there is so much they should talk about.

Remington looks down at his hands, then at Andy's, and then at his own again. Opens his mouth to say something, realises he doesn't know what to say, and closes it again. He sighs, rubs his eyes, closes them when he thinks she might be there again. Paranoia.

"Are you okay?" Andy asks, finally, as if there's nothing wrong on his end.

The younger looks at the man, frowns. "Are you?"

Silence again.

Then Remington. "I didn't know you had panic attacks."

"I don't."

"You literally just had one."

Andy sighs.

"Seriously, Andy, are you okay?" He gets no answer. He already knows what the answer would be. Andy isn't okay. He wants to know how long Andy's not been okay. "You're not okay, are you?"

"Remington, look, it's-"

"Complicated? Confusing? I know. I get it. But you need to talk about it. You know that."

The man just shrugs.

"Please. It's the complicated and confusing things that you need to talk about the most, Andy. The things that eat you up inside."

"I'm just worried, okay? About you, about Kacey."

"I thought you weren't thinking about Kacey."

"I lied."

Remington frowns. "You lied?"

The man nods.

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't matter," Andy mumbles, somewhat ashamed.

"Wha-of course it matters!" Remington responds quickly, feeling like he's done something wrong to make Andy think this way. Has he made the man believe he doesn't care?

Tired and fed up with his frequent panic attacks, Andy just sighs. He has no idea how to talk about it and no idea how to make the attacks stop and it's exhausting.

"Is it me? Are you having them because of me?"

Oh no, Andy thinks. "Of course not."

"Then what is it?"

"It's me, Remington, being stupid."

"You're not being stupid," Remington argues, "you're not. Don't think that."

"Just...go back to sleep, okay? You're tired."

"So are you. I'm not going back to sleep until I know you're okay."

Silence.

"Why are you so worried about Kacey? You told me she'd be fine, that I shouldn't worry. So what are you worrying?"

Andy shakes his head. "I already said. It doesn't matter." After talking, he lies down, facing away from his husband, and closes his eyes.

The younger watches him with sadness. "Andy, it does matter," he says quietly, and gets no response.

In the morning, after a pitiful few hours sleep, the two sit in the kitchen not saying a word. And then Andy leaves for the studio and they don't talk until the morning following.

Andy's band mates notice something is up with the man virtually as soon as he arrives. Just the way he looks; tired, unfocussed, like he hasn't slept for days. It's Lonny who says something about if first, after pulling his friend to the side. "What's going on?" He asks sincerely, and Andy raises an eyebrow. "You're not yourself today, Andy. What's up?"

"No, Lon, I'm fine," Andy insists. He doesn't want to talk about it.

"Come on, don't lie to me. Has something happened with Remington? You look like you haven't slept for a year."

"No, nothing."

Lonny gives him a look which says I know you're lying, and Andy sighs.

"I've just been having a few panic attacks," he mumbles, "it's not a big deal."

"Panic attacks?"

Andy nods.

"For how long?"

"I don't know, a few days. Look, I just-I don't want Remington to know, okay? It'd only worry him and he's already-"

"And he loves you and he will help you. You can't hide it from him, Andy. It' not healthy."

"I'm not hiding it."

"Really?" The bassist crosses his arms. "If you won't tell him, I will, okay?"

"No, Lonny! Don't do that!"

"Why not? Are you gonna tell him, then?"

The man shakes his head. He doesn't like being the one everyone is worried about.

"Right. So I will. Because he loves you and he will help you."

"I don't need help."

"There's nothing wrong with needing help," Lonny reminds him.

Andy scoffs. "I don't need help, Lonny. God!" It's a lie. They both know it. Andy does need help. He has no idea how to handle his panic attacks and the guilt he's feeling, but asking for help is not something he has ever done. It feels wrong for him to do so. He's supposed to be the strong one.

"Tell him when you get home or I'm calling him tomorrow. Your choice."

"Oh, come on! That's not fair!"

"How you're treating yourself is not fair, Andy! Talk to him!"

"No!"

Lonny shakes his head and walks away, and Andy rubs his eyes and exhales heavily. What the fuck is wrong with him?

Remington is watching television when Andy gets home. He shouts a hello in the man's direction and gets one in return, though Andy never comes to join him on the couch, which is unusual. When he goes upstairs to go to bed at past eleven pm, his husband is already fast asleep, and it seems as though he's been crying because of the redness of his eyes and the not-so peaceful expression.

"Oh, Andy," Remington whispers, getting in bed and wrapping Andy in his arms, who stays asleep as though he's somewhere else entirely.