Breaking Down

Chapter 38:

After I spent half an hour loading up the car, Nathan appeared with his keys in his hand. I was mentally cursing him out for staying in the apartment to hang out while I was dragging bags that weighed more than I did out to the car.

"Are you finished?" He asked, swinging them around his finger like a kid.

"Yes, I got everything loaded."

We climbed into his car to head to the studio. The plan was to meet Keith there in twenty minutes. He had picked up the small tour bus on the way over and was waiting for us to get there so we could leave.

Here I was, about to turn 21 years old in a few weeks, with no money in my name and nothing but the clothes on my back. I had to rely on Nate for almost everything. I was lucky he was willing to take care of me on this tour so I could still go. I wasn't even close to being prepared to embark on this journey, but it wasn't going to stop me.

Life was about controlling your own fate. Nothing ever happened by chance. I had to seize this opportunity and own it even if I wasn't as confident as I felt. I had to take the risk if I ever wanted to reap the reward.

When we got to the studio, Keith and Nate were fluttering around in a tizzy. They spent the next hour arguing over what equipment we needed to bring with us. When I opened my mouth to agree with Keith about bringing a small amp, Nate gave me a death stare and then screamed at me to start loading our bags on the bus. He had been so hot and cold with me since the surprise visit this morning. I could only guess he was worried about what would happen if Cam and my family found a way to stop us from leaving.

I rolled my eyes without saying a word to him and went outside to get away from his short-fused temper. I didn't trust myself enough to stay quiet and he was in no mood to deal with me talking back to him. It was better if we had a few minutes apart before we were trapped on the small bus together.

It was freezing outside, but I was still managing to pour sweat as I lugged bag after bag onto the bus for the next forty-five minutes. Where was a damn roadie when you needed one? I was supposed to be the star of this tour, so why was I loading everyone's things on the bus? I would have to talk to Nate about it after he calmed down a little.

I was struggling to drag Nate's last bag on from the trunk as I thought about starting my new life. Keith and Nate were still too preoccupied with arguing over the list of equipment they still needed to grab to notice I was standing right next to them. Nathan started talking about the trip itinerary and my ears perked up, trying to listen. When I didn't recognize the road names he was discussing with Keith, I finally asked where we were going. Nate shooed me away. The only information he gave me was the band going with us was going to meet us somewhere in Kentucky tomorrow afternoon. According to Keith, they weren't too happy when Nate told them the plans were changing. He somehow managed to calm them down quickly and got them to agree to head out with us.

We were almost finished when I heard tires pull up on the pavement. I was shocked to see Cam's black truck pulling into the parking lot. What was he doing here? I didn't need this complication right now. My nerves were already doing somersaults in my stomach. I was a mixed bag of gooey deliciousness and rotten apples. I hadn't taken my medicine in days. There was no telling how this conversation was going to go.

Cam stopped the truck about forty feet away from the building and climbed out. He leaned against the hood of his truck with his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans, staring at me.

I looked back at Nathan and Keith, who were walking back into the studio without even realizing Cam was here. This was my last chance to talk to him without Nate around. I knew I had promised Nate I wouldn't talk to Cam again, but this was something I needed to do. I bit my lip and summoned my courage to see my best friend one last time.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, jogging over to him.

"You didn't answer the phone when I called you." His silky voice washed over me, sending a little flutter to the base of my stomach.

"My ringer must have been off." I lied as I strolled over to him.

"I went by Nate's apartment and no one answered. I assumed you would be here if you weren't there." Cam said in a clipped tone.

"Did you come to tell me goodbye?" I crossed my arms over my chest, anxiously waiting for him to tear into me.

"What are you doing, Jess?"

I had expected anger and a screaming match about how irresponsible and gullible I was. Instead, Cam just looked defeated.

"We hit the road for the tour tonight." I said softly. I walked over to his truck and ran my fingers over the grille to trace it. It was easier to watch my hands do something than to look into those broken, piercing, stormy eyes.

"You can't go. You can't leave like this. Your parents are freaking out. Your brother has been calling me every few hours crying. He has been asking me if you are dead." He said, removing his hand from his pocket to push at his blond hair.

"Jax is crying?" I began to tear up.

"They all have Jessa. They miss you." He took his hands out of his pockets and stepped closer to me. I backed away. It was not fair what he was doing to me right now. Using my family to guilt me into staying wasn't going to work.

"You know music and touring has always been my dream. I'm finally getting to do something I love for a change. Something that doesn't care if I'm up or down or dangling in the air by a thread. It doesn't threaten to lock me away when I just want to be me. It doesn't care if I am sick or..."

"He doesn't care if you are sick." Cam interrupted. He stepped towards me and leaned down over me. His face was inches from mine. He wasn't going to bully me into staying when I knew in my heart that I had to go.

"This isn't about Nate. It's about what I want." I shouted back at him.

"What about me? Do you even care what I want?" Cam's voice rose up higher to match mine.

"No, I don't." The words sounded unconvincing as they rolled off my tongue.

"If you leave, you have to know I will never stop looking for you. I will tear apart cities trying to find you. I will run down anyone or anything in my path to get to you. Do you understand me? I will never give up on you, Jessa Miller."

Cam wrapped his arms around me and crashed his lips against mine before I could even react. He spun me around and pressed me into the hood of his truck. His tongue massaged mine as he held my face between his hands. He gave me every emotion that tormented him in that kiss. The fire between us scorched its way down into my soul, searing me from the inside out.

He was burning me alive. It fucking hurt.

I lingered against his lips, trying to memorize the taste of his skin to give me something to hold onto. This was the end of Jessa and Cam. This was our goodbye.

If I stayed, it would give him hope. He would never move on with his life. He would never find his chance to truly be happy with someone who could give him what he needed. I was not the one; I was not the girl for him. I wanted to be her, but I wasn't capable of loving him the way he deserved. Deep down, I had always known it. It would take some time, but eventually, he would figure it out too.

Cameron wanted to be the reason I would stay, but he was why I had to go.

"I will miss you, Cami." I smiled, pulling away from him and laid my head on his chest while he held me. This was perfectly wrong, the perfectly wrong place and the perfectly wrong time. I was the perfectly wrong girl.

"I'm not letting you go." I felt a tear fall from his face and hit the skin on my cheek. He held onto me tighter.

"You don't have a choice."

I reached up to the back of his head and pulled his lips gently to mine again as I fought my own tears back. His whole body was shaking against me.

"Goodbye, Cami." I whispered into his mouth and kissed him one last time.

I pulled away from him and did what I always do best. I ran from him. I ran for my life so he couldn't catch me again.