Breaking Down

Chapter 10:

          "Leave me alone." I shrieked into my pillow while I tried to hide my face. The tears were like acid burning my already weary eyes. I couldn't do this. I wasn't strong enough to get better.

           "Jessa. You have to calm down. Breathe, Sweet Pea. Just breathe." My Mom placed her hand on my back, trying to soothe me.

           "Go away. I don't want you here." I pushed her away from me. The pressure of her hand on me felt like a cement block pulling me to the bottom of the ocean. The briny water was entering my lungs as I was gasping for air.

           "Have you taken your pills this morning?" She asked, stroking my wet hair back from my face. Beads of sweat were covering my body, but I was still frozen on the inside.

           "No, I didn't." I cried.

             My Mom jumped up from the bed and ran across the room to the dresser where I kept my medication. She began fumbling around, opening the bottles and dumping out the pharmacy across the dresser.

            "You can't miss doses, Jess. Dr. Schroeder said it will take you some time to adjust. If you miss doses, you could slip back." She was panicking as she lined the pills up to take inventory of them.

             She ran into my bathroom and I heard her turn on the sink. She returned a few seconds later with the cup that I used to rinse my mouth out after brushing my teeth. She had filled it with water and was trying to hand it to me.

            "You know taking these won't help. They never do." I sat up and wrapped my arms around myself.

             "You have to take these." My Mom fought with me again. She held out her hand, trying to get me to ingest the little white pills. I had been taking them for a few days and they made my skin feel numb. They dulled my senses. Everything that used to be surrounded by vibrant colors was now misted over in a gray haze.

             Taking them felt worse than death.

             Without the pills, I felt like I could fly. I would spread my wings and soar through the air high above the rest. I could do anything or be anyone I wanted.

             Now, I felt nothing but sorrow and pain. I wanted nothing. I was nothing.

             "Mom, can I please take a break from them this morning. My stomach hurts." I wasn't lying to her. My stomach was in knots as my body fought with itself. There were too many people in my head trying to talk to me at the same time. The medication would help quiet them, but the angry, confused girl inside didn't want to rest any longer. She wanted to keep hurting herself more for the terrible things she did. She wanted to suffer. She enjoyed the pain she inflicted on herself.

              "Jessa. This is non-negotiable." My Mom said, shoving them into my hand. She grabbed the glass of water she brought from the bathroom and tried to hand it to me again.

               I pushed it away and opened my mouth to place the pills on my tongue. I closed my mouth and swallowed. I never liked drinking water with pills. Something about the sloshing feeling always made me feel like I was going to vomit. The little toxic things would swim inside me and attach themselves to my insides. They would claw at me until I let them in.

              "Well, that's one way to do it." She said with a sigh of relief. "Can I get you anything else?"

              "A knife." I said coldly. She had been hovering since we got back from the hospital. I just wanted her to go away. She did her job; now, it was time to do mine. I was going to be numb enough soon to go through with my plan. At least it wasn't going to hurt when I finally ended it.

             "That's' not funny. You shouldn't joke about that." My Mom chastised me.

              "I'm not joking." I said, looking into her too-green eyes. "I'm ready to die."

            "Jessa, I'm going to go call Dr. Schroeder. Get your things. We are going to get you checked out." The words fell from my Mom's lips, but I barely heard them. All I could see was her stress-ladened face.

            She ran out of the room without even pausing to say anything. She was on a mission to try to save someone who didn't even want to be saved. She was wasting her time trying to get me better. It was never going to work. I was fated for anguish and despair. I would always lose in the end.

            I laid back down and closed my eyes, praying I would disappear.

           "What did you do this time?" Jax said, walking into my room. "Mom is downstairs crying on the phone to your doctor. She asked me to come up here to watch you."

             "I asked her for a knife." I said opening my eyes to look at him.

            "Why would you say something like that? Do you really want to hurt yourself?" He asked curiously.

             He didn't look angry, but Jax didn't care about me. There was no reason to think my threat would bother him at all. Getting me out of the way would mean he had all my parent's attention. It was a win-win situation for him. He wouldn't have to deal with me any longer and could grow up like every other normal kid. I'm surprised he didn't offer to get the knife for me to help me get it over with faster.

            "I want to. I feel like I have too. Wouldn't you be happier if I was gone? Wouldn't everyone?" I bit the inside of my cheek and wrapped my arms around my legs. I began picking at the maroon polish peeling from my toenails. I couldn't even look my little brother in the eye. I didn't need his validation to know it was true. My death would make all their lives better.

             Why did it always have to feel this way?

             "That's really messed up and selfish." Jax said in a somber tone.

              When I looked at my big little brother, he looked like a twisted mixture of disgusted confusion. I didn't see the glee on his face like I had expected. Did something I just say bother him?

              "Jax, I never claimed to care about anyone." I said honestly.

              "Not even Mom or Dad?" He looked shocked.

               "I can't. If I cared, then I couldn't do it." I could feel the tears pooling in the corner of my eyes.

              "I know you don't care about me." Jax said, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked like my Mom right now. He was more her than he even knew.

             "That's not true." The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could even think them.

              "It is. That's why you are always a bitch to me. You hate me." He said, looking dejected.

              "I guess I deserve that one for giving you a black eye. I really don't hate you, Jax." I felt a little urge to hug him, but I tucked that back away as fast as it came. Jax and I weren't huggers. It would be weird if I started now.

              "If you die, I won't go to your funeral." He mumbled under his breath and stormed out of the door. End of conversation. Jax was always one for a dramatic exit.

               I threw myself back into my pillow, wishing the mattress would swallow me whole. I buried my head under the blankets and closed my eyes. I was praying the stuffing inside would escape and suffocate me.

Please don't wake up this time. Let this be my end.