Breaking Down

Chapter 11:

After discussing my current self-harm threats with Dr. Schroeder, my Mom and he decided that I needed to go back to the hospital to be evaluated again.  When I refused to go with her, she decided to call down to the police station to get some back-up in the form of my frustratingly loyal best friend. 

My Mom had been pacing around the room, chewing her nails nervously. She was going to grind her fingers down to stumps at the rate she was going. Mom hadn't let me out of her sight for the last fifteen minutes.  I wasn't even sure if she had blinked once.  I laid my head back and closed my eyes, wishing everyone would just leave me alone.

I was still slumped over on the couch when Cam strutted in the front door without bothering to knock.  My Mom's head snapped up in his direction and I could see the relief immediately wash over her.

"Thanks for coming, Cameron."  My Mom said as she tried her best to greet him with a smile.

"Sorry, it took me so long. I was on another call."  Cam apologized before turning his head towards me. His gray eyes studied every inch of my stressed face. The expression he carried was mixed with sympathy and worry.  Having Cam here was threatening the part of myself that wanted to be done with the world. 

"Don't look at me like that."  I grumbled under my breath.

"Jess, do you want to tell me what's going on?" Cameron walked over to me and knelt down in front of me.  He wrapped his large hand around mine and ran his thumb over the back of my hand.  I tried to pull away from him, but he locked on tighter. 

"I don't want to do this anymore."  I whispered to him. A warm tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. 

"Jessa..." My Mom began to chime in. Cam cut her off before she could say anything to send me into a tailspin. 

"Mrs. Miller, you can grab her things. She will be in the car by the time you come back down."  Cam told my Mom with complete confidence. 

Mom looked at Cam skeptically. She knew her only daughter well enough to know it wouldn't be that easy. Nothing involving me ever was.  That was why I was ready to end it today.  Life was just too hard.

"I promise I will keep her safe."  He said, encouraging her to move.

My Mom nodded to Cam and went upstairs to grab a bag for me.  My Mom had placed her complete faith in Cam's ability to get me to comply.  He would fight with me over it, but I always ended up giving up in the end.  I never really wanted to fight with Cam over anything.  He was the only person in the world that I never wanted to disappoint. 

"You've got everyone worried, darling."  Cam raised up to sit beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him. I buried my head into his shoulder so I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Then they'll be better off when I am gone.  I can't cause them any more pain." I said, raising my sleeve to my face to wipe the snot dripping from my nose.  I was a disgusting wreck of a human being. 

"Hey, no.  There's no more talk like that.  We all adore you, Jessa.  You matter and I don't want you to ever forget that.  The world would never be the same if Jessa Miller didn't exist." Cam placed his hand under my chin and forced me to look into his soft gray eyes.

"Thanks for trying, Cam. I wish I could believe it." 

"Jessa, this is the depression talking.  Don't let it in, don't let it take control of you. Go to the hospital with your Mom and let them help you." Cam twirled a lock of my matted, dirty hair. 

"I don't want to."

"You're going.  Don't make me carry you to the car."  He warned me. 

I gulped as I watched the shadow of authority cross over his face.  This wasn't an empty threat. He was really going to do it.

Cam took my hand and pulled me up off the couch; he was done tiptoeing around.  He was a lot stronger than I was and lifted me to my feet effortlessly.  He walked towards the door and opened it as he led me outside.  I followed slowly behind him, putting up as much of a fight as my body was letting me.  It felt good having his large hand wrapped around mine. 

For a brief second, it was like Cam's strength restored a little bit of hope back inside the part of me that was screaming for help.  The dark side was still winning and had control over me, but the tiny glimpse of light was trying to sneak in through the cracks.

"Get in the car, Jess."  He said staring down at me.  He was holding his belt in the weird way that all police officers do.  There had to be a class they all took that taught them how to stand like that.  Pompous Ass Stances 101. 

"Not going."  I said, crossing my arms like a pouting child.

The good side of my brain was whispering for me to get in the car and go get better for him. The bad part said to go lay in the middle of the street and hope someone would run me over.  I wished my brain could get its act together.  It was exhausting constantly being between my thoughts.

"Don't make a scene. You know I can have this place surrounded in seconds. Get in and go." He began to move his hand to his walkie while staring at me.  He was challenging me.

"You won't."  I said horrified.

He pressed the button and I heard a woman's voice over the radio.

"I need..." He began to say into the walkie.  I put my hands up frantically motioning for him to stop.

"Fine.  Just know I am putting an ad on Craigslist for a new best friend when I get out." I said, scowling at him.

"Jess, darling.  You're stuck with me.  The sooner you realize it, the easier it will be to accept it. Now just get in."  Cam opened my Mom's car door and pushed me into the car gently. He sighed and reached over to buckle my seat belt when I didn't move.

"I don't need a seat belt." I argued.  A seat belt seemed ridiculous to use to someone with a death wish.

"You are going to wear one or I will write you a ticket. Safety first."  He whispered into my ear, sending little shivers down my spine.

"I would never pay it, Asshole."

"Good, it would just give me another excuse to put you in handcuffs again." Cam mumbled under his breath and turned away quickly before shutting the door.  Did he really just say that?  There was no way I heard him right.  I sat perfectly still with my mouth hanging wide open.  What the hell just happened?

The look of shock on my Mom's face when she walked out of the door was priceless.  It was so good that I almost cracked a little smile.  I was sitting perfectly still in her car with my seatbelt on like a little angel due to the shock.  I wasn't fighting or screaming like I normally did.  It was only because Cam stunned me into submission.

She ran over to Cam and wrapped her arms around him.  She was whispering into his ear.  She was probably thanking him and adding to his already inflated ego about how good he was. She would be cooing about how she couldn't do it without him.

She let him go, walked around to the driver's side, and climbed in. 

I was still staring at Cam, wondering if I heard him correctly. He waved back at me with the oafishness I was accustomed to. My mind was messed up worse than I knew if it was fabricating Cam whispering something slightly dirty to me. That was not in Cam's nature.  

"I'm really glad you are taking this so well."  She said, turning the keys in the ignition. She placed the car in reverse and turned her head to make sure all was clear before backing out of the driveway.

"You act like I had a choice." I said, shaking off the feeling of confusion.

"You did, Sweet Pea.  You chose the better way to get there."