Breaking Down

Chapter 12:

My Mom pulled up to the hospital entrance about ten minutes later.  I sighed, looking at the entrance, knowing I was going to be here for a while.  When you say the things that I said out loud, there were consequences.  I had to learn to start keeping those thoughts to myself so I didn't end up in this situation again.  I was a stubborn girl; I doubted if I would ever take my own advice.

Dr. Schroeder was waiting for us just inside the sliding doors when we walked up to them.  My Mom was carrying my bag on her shoulder. He reached out and took it from her as soon as the doors opened.

"Welcome back."  He said pulling his lips into a straight line. The expression he carried only made him look that much older than he was.  I could see his eyes already assessing my disheveled appearance.  I hadn't showered since I left the hospital the first time.  I hadn't even tried to brush my teeth or look at myself in the mirror since then. 

"Yeah."  I said nervously watching the people floating in and out of the waiting room through the glass entrance.  They all looked so sad and defeated.  Some of these people were here for real emergencies. I was here taking attention away from them with my insanity.  Jax had called me selfish earlier. He was right.  Only a selfish person would take resources away from dying people who had no choice. I was a self-absorbed narcissist.

Dr. Schroder walked with us in silence to the wing where they housed the people who came in with mental health issues.  A whole fucking wing for nutcases like me. I could hear the wailing from a hundred feet down the hallway.  My body started involuntarily shaking with every step closer.  I hated this place.  Being here scared me. 

My Mom glanced over at me, sensing my apprehension.  She reached over and grabbed my hand to let me know she was here for me.  I don't know how she carried so much strength in that tiny little thing, but it was enough to keep me placing one foot in front of the other.

The last time I was admitted to this wing, I stayed up all night listening to a man who was threatening to murder everyone.  He would scream out graphic details about how he was going to mutilate and torture women.  He said the most horrific and vile things. My nurse on duty would come in and apologize. She tried to reassure me he was restrained. It still frightened me.  

You had to be on your guard at all times while you were here.  There was no telling what kind of person you were going to run into in the dim lighting of the halls.

As if it were queued up perfectly to my thoughts, we walked by a nurse walking next to a guy in a gown, mumbling to himself. When I looked down to avoid staring, I saw a trail of pee leaking down from between his legs.  The nurse next to him swore softly and grabbed the phone to call for someone to come clean up the mess.  She stopped the guy from moving forward as he stood there urinating on himself.  He was talking in gibberish and moving his hands erratically at something on the wall.

"Here we are." Doctor Schroeder placed his hand on my back to get my attention away from the yellow liquid pooling on the floor. He motioned to a small room on the left side of the hall.

My Mom looked at me with a sympathetic smile as I glared at her.  I walked into the room and went straight in to sit on the bed. This was my new home for the next seventy-two hours. No visitors, no shoestrings or sharp objects, and no privacy. 

"Jessa, get settled in.  I'm going to go review your charts and we will make some minor tweaks to your dosage.  I think we are a little off based on what your Mom has told me. Your Mom can stay in here a little longer until you are fully admitted." He smiled at me before walking out. 

My Mom sat on the chair next to the bed, trying to stare at any place in the room other than my face.  She was really uncomfortable in this place too.  I know she despised hospitals and she only brought me here because she thought it was her only option.  I could see her growing more agitated by the second.

"Did you call Dad?" I asked, trying to break the silence.

"Your Dad is really busy with your Grandma.  I didn't want to bother him today. I will let him know tomorrow."  She said, keeping her eyes off of mine. 

"Has he asked about me at all?" I asked, trying to sound stronger than I was feeling.

"Jessa, can we talk about something else?"  When she didn't answer my question, I knew he hadn't.  He didn't care about me.  He never wanted anything to do with me and my problems.

I started to open my mouth to ask her why he hated me so much when the on-duty nurse walked in.  She ran around the room like a tornado setting up carts and monitors.  She came over and slapped a special bracelet on me that identified me as a danger to myself. 

"I'm Evelyn. I will be your nurse tonight."  The short woman said with a smile as she walked up to the computer terminal she brought with her.  "I need to get some questions filled out. Some of them are sensitive.  Mom, you can come back in when I am finished with her to say goodbye."

My Mom went to go leave the room to give me my privacy, but I reached for her hand to keep her with me.  I needed my Mom right now. 

"Can she stay with me?"  I begged the nurse.

"We are going to be discussing some things you might not want her to hear."  She said, trying to give me another chance to change my mind.

"Mom, can you stay with me?" I looked over at her with watery eyes.

"Yes, Sweet Pea." She took my hand and sat straight up in her chair. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she was going to hear.

"Well then, Jessa, can you tell me why you feel like you want to hurt yourself? Have you had any hallucinations, visions, or do you hear any voices telling you to do it?"  Evelyn said with her hands on the keyboard, waiting for my answer.

I started going through how I was feeling honestly.  I squeezed my Mom's hand when I had to answer some of the harder questions Evelyn asked.  I grew more upset when she started asking me about my symptoms, my actions, and even my impulses. I was riddled with embarrassment as the truth came gushing out of my mouth. I couldn't find a way to hold it in any longer.

My Mom heard a lot of really terrible things as she sat there silently holding my hand.  The whole entire time I let out my secret shame, she was there. The worse it got, the tighter she pulled me closer.  She didn't even flinch or pull away when I talked about what happened during my last manic episode. She was already aware of the hypersexuality that came with my form of mania and it was no surprise to her to find out this last episode was not any different.

I wished I had half the strength she had.  I wished I could be more like her.

When the nurse left, my Mom leaned over and pushed the matted hair back from my face. She turned my head and locked her brilliant green eyes on mine.

"Jess, I'm really glad you shared that with me.  I know it was hard for you.  I want you to know that I will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what you have done or what you will do.  I love you.  Nothing will ever change that."

I wanted to tell her I loved her too, but the words wouldn't come out. They were stuck someplace deep within. Instead of telling her how much she really meant to me, I just laid my head on her lap and cried.