Breaking Down

Chapter 13:

"Are you ever going to get out of that bed?" Cam shook his head, looking down at me. 

I pulled the blanket over my head, groaning.  It had been a full week since I was released from my seventy-two-hour hospital stay. It was hard to believe it had already been three full weeks since I had my last manic episode. My lows were always low, but they were small potatoes compared to my highs.  There was nothing I wouldn't do or try when I was like that. All the bad ideas were covered in magical pixie dust that twinkled just within my reach. 

"Go away!" I complained.  "I'm not here."

"I know you're here, Jessa.  I can smell you across the room."  I reached behind my head and threw my pillow at him.  He shuffled to the side just in time before it hit him in the head.  Damn cat-like reflexes. 

"It's not me. It's the dead body I'm hiding under my mattress. I'm a figment of your imagination." My voice creaked like an old wooden door opening. I hadn't spoken a lot since I got home, so I was a little out of practice.

I felt the heavy pressure on the bed as Cam sat down next to me. I pulled the blanket back just enough to peek out above it.  Cam was smiling at me with his breathtakingly radiant white teeth.  He was way too perfect to be real.  I don't know how he glommed on to a train wreck like me, but I was glad he stuck around. 

"That's not going to work, Jess, darling. Those pretty blue eyes give you away every time."  He pulled the blanket back from my face. 

"You suck ass." I complained.

"Welcome back. I missed you too." He lit up like a Christmas tree.

"How long was it this time?" I asked him hesitantly. I wasn't sure I wanted to know how many weeks my episodes had run this time around.

"Long enough." Cam's face fell fast. Just like that, I had unplugged him from the outlet. My mood swings could make even the brightest lights fizzle into darkness. If he hung out with me much longer, Cam would be the one who needed a therapist.

I tried to think back through to pinpoint when I got off track again this time.  I didn't have the slightest clue what triggered me.  It could have been stress or maybe lack of sleep.  Hell, it could have been from eating too many cornflakes in one sitting. That was the most frustrating part about all of this. It could be nothing causing it or everything. There were no rules. It was not predictable.

With my condition, there was never anything normal.  Each case of the disorder presented itself differently amongst the lucky ones like me who had it. Some people went through multiple ups and downs in short bursts, rolling in and out of the shifts in mood like the tide. I, on the other hand, was subject to longer bouts of mania. I would swing high for weeks, even months at a time. After the sickness decided it was done with me, I would come crashing down like a kamikaze pilot.  I was either on or off. There was no middle.

I remembered the drinking, drugs, and random, casual sex in very inappropriate situations.  I remembered fighting with my brother and the jail cell.  I remembered Cam taking me home from the liquor store and me trying to proposition him for... oh no. Shit.

"Cam, I am so sorry!" I blurted out and sat straight up in bed.

"For what?" Cam turned his head confused. I wondered how long he had been sitting there quietly while I pondered my life's existence in my head.  He had to be the most patient person that had ever graced this planet. 

"You know why." I murmured under my breath.  I did not want to say what I was thinking out loud.

"I'm lost. What?" He locked his gray eyes on mine, trying to follow the conversation in my head. He was looking for something he missed.

"For trying to make you sleep with me." I let out a deep sigh.

"Oh, you don't have to apologize for that." He ran his hands over my hair sweeping it back from my face.

"No, I do!"  I practically tackled him back on the bed and wrapped my arms around him.  He locked his hands around my waist, squeezing me tightly. 

"No, you don't. You don't ever have to apologize to me. It never happened."  He pressed his mouth to my temple, which made me shiver a bit.  The contact felt nice.  The world always felt like a better place when Cameron had his arms around me.  I shuddered, thinking about what my life would have been like without him.

My phone buzzed on the bed next to me, interrupting our best friend cuddle session.  Nathan's name flashed across the screen.  I climbed off Cameron and reached across the bed to pick it up. After the incident at the studio, Nathan had not called me even once to check on me.  I texted him a couple of times, telling him I was still not ready to come back down to record, but he never responded back.  He had ghosted me this whole time, which only added to my depression.  It wasn't really him I was missing, it was my music. 

I had to swipe my finger across the screen so I could see the message after my phone didn't want to unlock.  Apparently, my facial recognition software didn't even know who I was anymore. Smartphones are not that smart sometimes.

When I opened the message, I gasped in horror.  There was a video begging to be played.  I didn't even have to press the triangle to know what he was doing.  The still was more than enough to rattle me.  I shouldn't play this. I didn't need to see this video. I did not need this in my life right now. 

Common sense be damned. My curiosity had already gotten the better of me.

I pressed play and immediately regretted it.

Nate was holding the phone while taking a video of some curvy naked girl with doe eyes and flaming red hair. She was on her knees in front of him, smiling while looking at the camera. She had her lips wrapped around him and was moaning as she took him in and out of her mouth.

"Jess, sweetheart. She's really good with her mouth.  Look how hot she is." He mocked me through the speaker.

She was gorgeous, which made it that much worse.  I stood there with my eyes glued to the screen.  Why would he send this to me?  I knew he was with other girls; we weren't exclusive at all and never had been.  What did he have to gain by rubbing my face in it? 

"Jess, I know you're still watching. You're such a filthy girl." Nathan was laughing at me.

What he said next was like a punch to my gut. I almost collapsed on the floor.  Luckily, Cam was there to keep me from falling over.  Even his gentle, soothing hands were not enough to protect me from Nathan's words.  Nathan was trying to hurt me and I never even saw it coming.  

"Jessa, get your ass down to my studio before I give her your contract. I'm not going to tell you twice."