Breaking Down

Chapter 52:

I almost had a heart attack when I walked out of the bathroom. Cam was silently straightening out the bedding, trying to smooth out the wrinkles in the sheets.  I wasn't exactly sure why he was even bothering. The hotel was going to change them once we checked out.  What he was doing didn't make any sense.

I had a secret suspicion he was only doing it to try to take his mind off of what happened. If he stayed busy, then he could pretend like everything between us was just like it used to be before he said those words to me.

Judging from the frown on his face, the distraction wasn't helping.

It had only been a few hours since we slept together in that bed. A few hours since he told me he loved me and I couldn't push him away fast enough.

"Hey." I said softly, breaking the silence.

"Hey."  He responded while he avoided looking at me. 

He tossed a pillow back on the bed roughly like he was upset with it. It wasn't the pillow's fault that our first time together didn't go like he wanted it to.  To be brutally honest, it didn't end the way I wanted it to either. We both finished, which was a bonus, but I never saw those words coming.

I wasn't prepared for him.

In my fractured world, sex wasn't about love. Just because we did it didn't mean we had to spend the rest of our lives tied together. He had no obligation to make googly eyes at me because I gave him a few minutes of pleasure.  If that were the case, I would have a thousand men following behind me with boxes of chocolates as they dropped rose petals at my feet.  He couldn't confuse a good time with having actual romantic feelings for me. 

We fucked because we missed each other. That was all it was.

Or was it?

Shit, I didn't even know anymore. 

Good Jessa was in my brain, nodding her head, encouraging me to keep processing my thoughts. She wasn't ready for me to let this go.

It was true. I cared about him a lot more than anyone else in my life. That was why he was my best friend.  I wasn't the type of girl a guy could fall in love with and I sure as hell wasn't in any place to love him back the way he wanted me to.

My mind was muddled as it cycled through all the racing thoughts. I was struggling to keep everything straight in my head.  It got worse the longer he ignored me and pretended I wasn't in the room with him.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" I asked as I walked across the room to stuff my things back in the bag my Mom had packed for me. I went around to the other side of the bed and began helping him finish pulling the blankets back in place.

"No, I don't." He snapped at me. 

"Cameron, I'm sorry."

I truly meant it. I had never intended on bringing Cameron down to the darkness with me. He was an innocent victim; he never stood a chance in my swirling chaos.

"Jessa, do you even know what I have been through the last two months? Do you even care? Of course, you don't. You only care about yourself.  It has always been about what Jessa wants."  He barked back.

I stood up and walked around the bed to go towards the door to leave. I was done with this conversation and it had barely even begun. He was right. I couldn't even come up with an argument to defend my actions. I had always been a selfish girl, especially when it came to anything involving Cameron.

He stepped in front of me and blocked my path to the door.  I looked longingly at it.  I needed to get out of the room. My body was telling me it was time to run from him again.

"I said I was sorry."   I slunk down low and tried to step around him without looking at him.

Cameron wasn't having it. He wasn't going to let me get away that easy this time.

He caught me by the waist and pulled me back to finish our argument.  He walked me back towards the wall to pin me in.  Cameron had never been this angry with me before. I flinched, waiting for him to pull his fist back to hit me.  Nathan would have.  He would have been standing over me right now, laughing while I cowered on the floor at his feet.

Instead, Cameron locked his worn-out gray eyes on mine and gave me a pleading look.  I really wished he would just hurt me the way Nathan did. For some reason, I knew the physical pain would be nothing compared to the emotional torment I felt rolling off Cameron. His feelings for me hurt worse than his fist ever could.  

"Sorry is not enough this time, Jessa. Sorry doesn't do anything to fix this anymore. I tell you I love you and that I don't want to treat you like a piece of garbage like he does. What is your response? You lose it on me."

"Cameron...I..." I began before he cut me off. 

"No, stop. You don't get to stand here and try to justify what you did to me. Not this time. You do this crap every time someone gets too close and challenges you. You left me the night at the Drive-In because I told you I cared about you and wanted to do things the right way. If you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, then why did you even agree to go out with me in the first place?"  He asked desperately.

"I do want to be with you." I whimpered.

"Jess, you have a great way of showing it.  You ran from me to go be with a guy who makes you get naked and suck his dick in front of all of his friends."

"That was a long time ago." I teared up. His words had their intended effect. He was hurting which meant he wanted me to hurt as much as he did.

"Not for me, Jess. I still see it every time I close my eyes. I had to sit and watch him call you every vile name he could just to make his friends laugh. I couldn't even walk away because I was afraid of what would happen to you if I did. I was the one who picked you up off the bathroom floor that night and took care of you. I have been there with you every step of the way holding your hand and it still isn't enough for you.  What do you want from me? Do you want me to call you a whore and make you do things to degrade yourself? Do you want me to hit you and choke you just because I can? If that's what you want, then I'm out.  That's not me, Jess. I'm not that guy."

"Are you breaking up with me?"  I asked, whimpering.

"Jessa, seriously? You can't break up with someone when you never had them in the first place."  He threw his hands up and walked away.

He walked over to grab my bag from me and slung it over his shoulder. Even in his anger, he was still a perfect gentleman. He began to walk out of the room but paused when I stood stuck in the same spot.  

"Cami."  I shrunk back into myself in my shame.

"What now, Jess?" He exhaled a big breath trying to remain calm.

"I don't want to exist anymore."  I whispered low when he unlocked the door.

"Jessa, I spend every second of every damn day fighting to make sure you still do."