Breaking Down

Chapter 23:

"You were an addict." I said in shock. The words were rolling slowly off my tongue. I couldn't even believe what I was hearing coming out of my Dad's mouth.

I turned my head to look at my brother, whose eyes were just as big as mine. There was no way we had heard this right. My already fragmented view of reality had shattered. My Dad never drank, never smoked, and he never even filled the prescriptions the doctor gave him when he threw out his back. Besides his occasional angry outburst and mastery of every foul word known to man, I never even had a clue. This makes so much more sense now.

"Still am Sweet Pea. Once an addict, always an addict." He said, nodding. My Mom was holding his hand for support. I could see her trying to sit with her back straight and her head held high. These people were not who I thought they were at all.

My Mom had tried to stop my Dad from telling us as soon as we got in the house. She put on her 'everything's fine' smile and started talking about the weather to try to distract us. My Dad wasn't having it this time; he wasn't going to let her keep on covering for him. He pulled her into the living room and then they proceeded to have a screaming match for forty-five minutes before they walked back into the kitchen holding hands like nothing had happened. I wanted to strangle both of them for pretending everything was fine.

"Ok, so then Mom made you go away because you were using. She was pregnant with me and you didn't know. Then you came back and found out about me. How come I don't even remember any of this?" I was trying to digest this slowly. I felt like I had been flipped upside down; my perfect happy family wasn't as perfect as I thought they were. I wasn't really a black sheep. I was just a chip off the old block. Knowing this was oddly comforting in a strange way.

"Yes, I went to rehab. I found out I have an impulse control disorder and went through a shit ton of therapy for it with Dr. Schroeder. I ran into your Mom on the street when you were three. She let me meet you, we got back together, and then got married." My Mom looked at my Dad, nervously. He held onto her tighter. I could sense there was a lot more to this story. They were definitely giving us the abridged version of events.

"So that's why Dr. Schroeder says you are the biggest pain in the ass. It makes sense now." I said, nodding my head connecting the dots.

"That day we told you to leave was really hard for me because none of what you are going through is your fault. I know it better than anyone Jess. I know what it is like to be outside your body, unable to influence your own actions. That did it for me, I snapped. Your Mom saw it coming before it got bad and was able to get me help. I didn't relapse, but I was close."

"Am I going to be bad too?" Jax asked. I looked over at my brother. I sometimes forgot how young he really was. He was at an impressionable age now. It was the same age I was when I got diagnosed as bipolar. They diagnosed me young; it usually doesn't present itself so early. I was just that special.

I was glad I didn't see a lot of the same things going on with him like I had when I was his age. Besides being a dick sometimes, he was actually doing really well. He was on the honor roll and made friends everywhere he went. If he put his mind to something, there was no stopping him. His drive was admirable. I couldn't believe I just gave my brother a compliment. It was a good thing I didn't say it out loud. Hanging out with Cam was making me soft.

"Your Dad and Sister are not bad, Jax. They just have a different way they think. As for you, I don't know if you will think the same way. You may think differently than any of us and that's ok too. Same or different, we will always love you." My Mom reached out her hand to my brother to comfort him.

"I don't want to be like them." Jax yelled. He got up and ran from the table to go to his room. My Mom went to get up to go after him and my Dad pulled her back down.

"Riley, he just got a whole lot of bad dumped on him. Give him a little space to process it." She frowned at him, which made him smile down lovingly at her. "Don't worry, Momma Bear, our cubs are survivors, just like you."

She was shaking. He pulled her into him and wrapped his hands in her blond curls. He began nuzzling into her sweetly. He kissed her temple and held onto her like he never wanted to let her go. He had been gone for a long time and I knew how much they missed each other. They looked like they needed some time together.

I pushed my chair back from the table and got up. I knew where them touching and kissing was going to lead. Luckily, more siblings were off the table. My Dad made sure of that the moment I was diagnosed as Bipolar. He got an appointment with Dr. Snips just to be safe.

"On that note, I think it's time I go take my meds." I said, excusing myself.

When I got upstairs, I jumped out of my skin when Jax was sitting on my bed swinging his feet anxiously. He looked up at me with watery eyes. My brother had been crying. He tried to wipe them away with his sleeve before I could see them. This kid was suffering.

"I'm really mad at you." He said, not looking up.

"Yeah, I know." I wiped a small tear from my eye. "I'm mad at me too."

"I'm not going to be like you and Dad. I'm not going to be crazy." He said softly, losing his normal confidence. He wanted to believe what he was saying, but I knew from experience that saying something and believing it were two different things.

I felt a twinge of despair knowing my brother despised me. I had spent the last few years angry with him for not having to fight the things I did. I was the one who messed up our relationship. I was the one who pushed him away. I was a terrible big sister to him. It's funny how clear things could get when you are trying to piece yourself back together.

"I don't want you to be like us either."

I really meant it. No one should ever have to go through this, no matter how awful of a person they were. I sat next to him on the bed and laid my head on his oversized little boy, man shoulder. Jax was really growing up fast and I was missing it. I had missed out on a lot of things because of my condition. Pretty soon, he would be out of the house trying to make a name for himself. If I didn't fix this with him now, I would never have another chance.

"I really like Cheese Puff." He said out of nowhere.

"Really?" I asked, smiling.

"He kind of grows on you after a while. He always makes sure you are safe, Jessa." He said, still looking down at his feet.

"I think I like him a little bit too." I said before I could stop myself.

"I just wanted to tell you that." He said pushing my head off his shoulder. He stood up and walked out without even saying goodbye.

Jax was one complicated biggish little dude.