Breaking Down

Chapter 33:

"Did I do something wrong? Did it not feel good?" I pulled my hand from him and leaned back, raising my eyebrow at him in confusion. My self-confidence was in the toilet at his sudden mood shift. 

"Jessa, you are amazing, but we should stop. I think we should take this slow. I want to do this the right way. Not like this." He ran his hands through my hair, stroking my head gently.

"This is the right way." I said, returning my palm to his pants. I began squeezing him over his jeans and his hips involuntarily lifted to push into my hand. I began to pull his zipper down and he pushed my hands away.

"Jessa, I don't want to rush this. We have time." He said, trying to kiss my mouth again.

"Let me get you off. It will only take a second. I'll just give you head really fast. If you are afraid that we'll mess up your truck, you can come in my mouth and I will swallow it for you." I reached down and tried to pull him out again.

"You don't have to do this." He said, leaning back and looking at me.

"Yes, I do." I said, growing agitated.  "This is how dates work, Cam. We go out, you show me a nice time, and then I thank you by letting you do whatever you want to me."

"It's not how this works. Just because I take you out doesn't mean you need to pay me back with sex.  Jessa, being here with you is enough for me.  Spending time with you is more than I could ever ask for. That is all I want."

"You don't want me like that?" I backed away from him, embarrassed.

"Yes, I do. You don't even know how long I've wanted to be with you. I dream about it every night.  I see your face every time I close my eyes. I can't even remember a time when I didn't think about you.  I want you to be with me because you care about me, not because you feel like you have to put out because I paid for your dinner."

"I don't feel like I have to do anything." I whimpered. 

"You do, Jess.  I know you, darling. I was the one who has sat back and watched you give yourself to jerks who could care less about you. You have let guys walk all over you since you were fifteen."

"Name one person who has walked all over me, Cam?" I said defensively.

"Nathan."

"Nathan doesn't walk all over me.  I know what I am doing. Just because you had some jealous little boy rivalry doesn't give you the right..."

"Little boy rivalry? It goes way beyond that, Jessa. That asshole got you blackout drunk when you were fifteen to get you to sleep with him. He introduced you to drugs knowing about your condition and how dangerous it could be.  He convinces you to skip your meds and then gets you high to pass you around to his friends.  He gets off watching you disrespect yourself in front of everyone because he tells you to. Controlling you fills some void he has that makes him feel like a man and you play right into it. You would do anything with anyone to make sure you don't make him mad at you. You're his little puppet Jessa. He's using you. You're a joke to him."

"You don't know anything." I whispered, trying to hold myself together.

"Jess, shit. I was out of line. Come here. I am so sorry." Cam tried to grab my arm and pull me to him. 

"Don't' touch me."  I shrieked at him and tried to push him away.

"Let's just forget about all of this and watch the movie. We were having a good time. Let's not let this ruin our night." He said, reaching for me again.

"Take me home. I don't want to be around you right now."  I backed away from Cam. He had no right to say those things to me and then pretend like he didn't mean them. I wanted to escape; Cam was way too close to me.

His anger bubbled back up to the surface.  He hurt my feelings and now I was hurting his by telling him I didn't want to be here with him any longer.  I wanted this to be over.  I should have known going out with him was a bad idea.  

"Typical Jessa Miller, put a little reality in your life and you run.  Are you going to go to him tonight after you are done with me?  How many guys' dicks will you have to suck for him tonight? Three, four...ten?"  His agitation was clear in his body language.

I lost all my breath. Cam was swinging low and he had finally connected.  The anger rose up inside me and I did what I do best. I jabbed lower, ready to twist the knife in his gut.

"Silly boy, I won't be sucking any dicks tonight. I'm going to go fuck as many of them as it takes to forget about you."  I opened the car door and slammed it shut behind me.

The cool air nipped at my skin and I shivered.  My whole body was cold. It wasn't from the wind swirling around me. It was frozen from the things Cam said to me.  He couldn't be more wrong.  I had the control; I had the power.  I did those things for Nate because it was what I wanted to do. Nate didn't make me do anything.  Cam was just jealous of what Nate and I had.

"Jess, please come back." Cam called, running behind me. 

"Cameron Nash, I swear if you come anywhere near me right now, you will not have any fucking balls by the time I am done with you." I screamed back at him.

"Jess, have you taken your meds today?" He spun me around, desperately trying to cling to me. 

"What is it with you asking me about my meds all the time?" I screamed and pulled them out of my jacket pocket.  I opened the bottle and scattered them all over the ground.  

"What are you doing?"  He was on his knees, trying to scoop them up. "You need these."

I threw the bottle at his head and it landed right between his gray eyes.  He looked up at me like I was crazy.  Maybe I was.  Crazy for thinking he wanted to be with me. Crazy for thinking I actually mattered.  Crazy for thinking any of this would get better.

I reached down and took off my shoes and threw them at his head.

"What are you doing?" He said, blocking them from hitting his face. 

I swung my coat at him and repeatedly hit him over the head with it.   He raised his arms to block the assault.  Then I chucked it at him too.  I was out of things to throw and I still didn't feel any better.

I pushed him back on his ass to the ground and he just sat there staring up at me, blinking in shock.

"You said when things get real, I like to run. Well, guess what, Cami? You are right. Now you will never catch me again."  I turned and booked towards the tree line.  I ran as fast as my feet could carry me.

"Jess. Please don't do this."  Cameron was screaming behind me. 

I closed my eyes as soon as I hit the darkness of the trees.  I was running blind without any direction.  Twigs and branches were snapping behind me as I lurched forward to kick my speed up another notch. 

"Jessa! Jessa!"  I heard Cam's voice calling through the trees.  Of course, that idiotic boy would try to find me in the dark woods.  Every time he called my name, his voice would get a little further away.  I was losing him; he would never find me in here unless I wanted to be found.

I didn't know where to go or what to do. All I knew was that I needed to find the quickest way to numb myself again. I was done being the girl who tried for everyone else even when they had no faith in her.  I was tired of being a disappointment to everyone around me.

Bad Jessa was fighting to break free.  She was strong. She wanted to take my pain away from me.  That Jessa was made of steel, she was unstoppable.  That Jessa knew what it took to live in this cruel world. The world where your parents secretly hated you and your best friend thought you were beneath him. The world where I was unloved and unwanted.

It was time to get bad Jessa back.