Breaking Down

Chapter 42:

"Nathan, I'm bored." I complained as I sprawled out across the bed in the dingy motel.

Nathan had splurged tonight and gotten a room for the two of us while the other guys remained on the bus. It really was more for him, but I got to tag along because it was what I did best nowadays. I was just kind of always there. If he wanted sex, I gave it to him. If he wanted a backrub, I did it with a smile. Anything he asked for, I was the one who went and got it. There was nothing I didn't do for him when he asked.

I was really excited to be off the bus for a change tonight; it had been forever since Nathan had done this. We had been on the road for about six weeks and this was only the fourth time we stayed someplace other than that uncomfortable bed on the bus. I spent some of those nights in the different cubbies with the band when Nate brought a random girl or two back after a show. Either way, sleeping on the bus was killing my spirit.

The band had two venues they were playing in this town. We had to stick around for a few days between shows. The first one was last night and they played in front of a packed house. The band was starting to get a bit of a following. It was hard not to be jealous of their success. Josh and the boys had been killing it and they weren't even that good.

I, on the other hand, was struggling with standing still. Being in the same place for too long made me develop a little bit of paranoia. I was seeing ghosts in the shadows everywhere my eyes went. They were spying on me, waiting for me to let my guard down. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't get my brain to slow down. Every second it was like a different person was jumping inside my body taking control. I couldn't even tell the difference between what was real or in my head anymore.

Nathan stepped out of the bathroom, wiping his wet hair with one of the scratchy towels and had another towel hanging low around his waist. He looked over at me, annoyed. I hadn't even done anything to him today and just my presence alone seemed to sicken him.

We had been fighting a lot lately. Our fights always started because someone on the bus would piss him off and it was easier to take his frustrations out on me. He would tell me I was too needy and I was ruining the whole tour. Being cooped up together for long periods of time hadn't been good for either one of us. I was hoping this change of scenery tonight would help, but his expression was telling me differently already.

"I'm so bored." I whined at him again, trying to drop him a not so subtle hint. I didn't care if he was mad at me or not. I needed something to do to fill the time before I lost myself in my head again.

"I heard you the first time." He grumbled.

"Let's go do something tonight. We can change it up a little. Maybe we can see a movie or go take a walk together. I heard the lady at the front desk say there was a little café down the road. We could go there just to sit for a bit just to get out of the motel. I'll go anywhere." I got up on my knees and bounced up and down on the bed like a kid. I batted my eyelashes at him, trying to use my power of persuasion to get him to agree.

"Don't you ever just shut your mouth?" Nathan fumed back at me.

"You usually like it when it's open." I winked at him.

"Stop talking. I'm not in the mood." He said, pacing around the room.

"What's wrong?" I asked, sensing he wasn't really angry at me for talking. He had something else on his mind that was bothering him. The stress was all over his face. I could see little worry lines creasing the sides of his eyes. It had to be pretty serious.

"Nothing, you are just pissing me off."

"Nate, it doesn't look like nothing. You know you can tell me." I said, trying to be a sympathetic ear for him.

"We're running out of money. The band is ready to walk." Nathan hissed through his teeth. He started rummaging through the bag he brought in with us and was slamming things on the little dresser.

"Nate, how are we out of money? The guys just played yesterday. What happened to the money from the gig? It should have been more than enough for a while." I asked, concerned.

"It's gone." He said in a clipped tone.

"Nathan, it was $3,000. How does that just disappear overnight?"

I had a feeling I knew where the money was really going. Nate had developed quite a few new habits on the road. The one's he had before we left Ohio were getting worse the longer we spent out here. He was the reason there was no money left.

"Remind me again why I brought you with me?" He took a deep breath, trying to change the subject.

"It was supposed to be my tour. That's why." I said, locking onto his dark eyes. I was taking his bait. He was trying to pick a fight with me to make himself feel better for being a dumbass. Fortunately for him, I was bored enough to bite.

Nathan laughed and shook his head. He walked over to me and grabbed my chin between his thumb and index finger. He leaned down into my face and kissed my lips quickly. He pulled back with a devilish smile on his face.

"It was never your tour, Jessa. It has always been theirs. I can't believe you fell for that shit. You are so fucking stupid." He leaned in and nipped my mouth again as my body froze.

"You lied to me?" I whispered.

"Yeah, so?" He said it like it didn't even matter.

"You're a heartless bastard." I said, tearing up.

"And you're an unappreciative slut. You should be thankful for what I have done for you. Instead, you just lay there bitching and moaning about everything you don't have. You're not special, Jess. You never have been." Nathan pushed me back.

I sat on the bed, crying, as he started to get dressed. He lied to me. He didn't keep me around for my music. He played me, he had always been playing me and I wasn't even sure why he did it. If I never meant anything to him, then why did he spend the last six years dragging me back under every time I tried to escape? I knew he didn't love me and I had accepted that a long time ago. It didn't matter because he always had a connection to me through my music. If we didn't have that, then what was left?

"Where are you going?" I whimpered.

"I'm going out. Don't wait up." Nathan said, pulling his black jacket on.

He walked out of the door and slammed it shut behind him. Nathan just left me alone in a worn-down motel room. We were in a strange city that I couldn't even name. How did I even get in this situation?

His vicious words kept replaying in my head on a loop. This was never my tour, he used it as an excuse to keep me under his cruel reign and I was naïve enough to fall for it. I am an idiot for ever believing anything he ever said to me. Now, when I was finally able to see it, I was in too deep to get out.

This was his plan all along. I had always just been his pawn, some little plaything that made him feel like a man instead of the twisted snake that he was.

Cameron had been telling me the truth.

Why didn't I ever listen?