sunflower // sapnap

30

♛

i had been home for almost 2 weeks now and i had yet to get back into streaming.

i talked with kayla daily about my concerns and each time she encouraged me to only do what i felt comfortable doing, and at the moment that was taking a break from the internet.

i also had taken a step back from my internet friends. while i wasn't completely ignoring them, i also wasn't talking to them as much as i normally did.

i did feel bad about it, especially since i didn't really explain why i was so distant. i'm just not sure if i'm ready to open up about that with them.

nick is a different story though.

i've been trying my hardest to keep up with him, i needed space from the internet but i didn't want to have to take it from him. i think he knows that there's something going on with me, but he hasn't asked me about it yet.

i'm not exactly sure if i could tell him either, i don't want him to worry about me. i also know him, and i know he would make some sort of statement about how fans were acting and i didn't want him to make any of us fans upset with him.

i text him daily but i avoid phone calls and facetimes, since i wouldn't be able to keep up the facade that i'm doing okay.

he's only questioned it once so far, and i explained it away that kayla wanted to watch a movie with me. i don't think he fully bought it since normally we'd stream it together so he could watch too. but he let it go and hasn't asked me about it since then.

i had just been spending all my time laying around in bed, ignoring the world and letting myself fall further and further into a funk.

i hated this feeling, but i had no motivation to try and make a change.

i haven't even left the house since i got back home. normally me and kayla would do anything and everything together, but i couldn't bring myself to go outside.

it's not like i hadn't tried, but everytime i did i just got so overwhelmed with anxiety and backed out. kayla always understood and didn't push me, she instead would just go out on her own and do whatever it was that we had needed to do that day.

i sat up in my bed and stretched my arms above my head.

today would be the day, the day that i tried my hardest to get myself out of the rut i was stuck in.

i started it by finally responding to the groupchat that had been flooding my notifications

~

groupchat!
da bois

fairy boi
hi guys :)

creamy boi
farah !!!!!!!
hi

gogy boi
FARAH
i miss you

fairy boi
i miss you guys too <3

nicky boi
are you okay bub?

fairy boi
trying to be :)

creamy boi
farah :(
you can talk to us