Now I See You // Jikook // ⚠18+⚠

*12*

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Song recommendations: Everybody but Me- Nick Wilson
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The next two weeks flew by in no time at all.

Jungkook had made up a lie about suddenly feeling sick in class on Friday and the Hyungs thankfully quickly forgot about it. Then he started telling them he needed some time alone during the breaks to go over school stuff, when really, he was meeting Jimin in the auditorium.

They talked.

Sometimes just gibberish and light conversation, sometimes about deeper, more personal things.

Jungkook admitted how much he hated following the rules and that he so often just wanted to defy it all. But at the same time, he didn't want to hurt and disappoint his parents so he always ended up doing what they wanted.
He also told him about how he sometimes felt all right again, if only for a little while.
He confessed his insomnia- the nights were he just lay awake, unable to find rest, lying in his bed with an empty nothingness in him.
He admitted his discomfort around Lisa and how much she annoyed him, then went on to explain the complicated relationship between their fathers and how trapped that made him feel. 

Jimin listened. 

He never judged or told him he should just screw them all and go his own way. Maybe he knew how hard it really was. He liked that the other boy only listened with an open heart, instead of rattling down advices he could never follow. 

He listened to Jimin too. 

In many ways, the smaller boy was more reserved and Jungkook felt it.
But he never pushed for answers. He let Jimin start the conversation, hoping to make him feel like he was really there for him.
He found out snippets. 
That there was someone who had hurt him was no secret since the day on the party, but the white haired boy never mentioned any names. He only said terrible memories haunted him, causing his panic attacks and hysteria.
Silently he listened to the quiet whisper as Jimin told him about how broken he felt and how much he hated having pushed everyone away, yet thinking it made it easier to keep living the lie. 

In some ways it had. But truthfully, it only made him feel worse about himself. 

They shared their secrets behind the dark curtain of the auditorium, then returned to their separate lives, mostly ignoring one another when other's were around. 

Then the weekend came. 
And despite those stolen moments with Jimin, which actually felt uplifting and... real, the weekend took it all away.

It was like someone just pulled a plug on him. 

Saturday morning, he barely made it out of bed.
He cried silently to himself, just because he had no idea how to get through the day feeling this empty and lost.
He only got up because his mom called him to breakfast and he didn't even have the strength to come up with an excuse. 

The day went past him like an old black and white movie, where the actors had no voices yet and everything was different shades of grey. 
Food tasted like ash, conversations sounded far away and muted, even his morning run could not wake him up from his state. 

He mostly lied about having to learn, and then ended up staring at the ceiling of his room the entire time, the crucified Jesus on his wall silently judging him. He didn't sleep, and in those short moments he did dose off, he found himself back on that bridge, taking the leap he hadn't been able to do then.

Church on Sunday was even worse. 

Lisa shot him a sour look when she saw him far back in the church, having come too late to get a seat in the front like she'd demanded. Then the service started, having to listen to the priest rattling about how God is love and God gives us all and he sat there feeling nothing- just the rising panic of just wanting to leave. For it all to end.