Rigid Crow

Where it All Comes From

I wake from a nightmare I completely forget what was about. But the feelings of fear, emptiness, and despair linger.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," I whisper to myself in the darkness. Nothing's happening. Everything must be fine.
It isn't, the voice inside me says. Everything's wrong.
Tears cloud my vision, and I begin to cry. Is Shō okay? I have a sick feeling in my stomach that the dream was about him.
He's fine, I know he's fine, but a thousand other feelings settling in my chest disagree.
At a loss for what else to do, I text Shō.

T: Hey, sry if ur not awake, but can u come here? Need to see u

     I can't stop the tears before he comes in. I don't even really know why I'm crying. There's this underlying feeling of complete hopelessness. Like nothing will be okay ever again.
     That's why I need to see him. Because if I know that he's okay, things will be okay, no matter what how mind is trying to convince me otherwise.
     He creaks open my door and hobbles in. "Tob-Tobi?"
     I try to answer, but I can't. I need a minute to compose myself.
     Shō's eyes soften. He takes a seat next to me on the bed, unstrapping his crutches and putting them to the side. He leans against me, waiting for me to speak. His presence calms me, reminds me that the world will be okay again. He's alive. I'm alive.
     I sigh, getting myself under control. I wipe the tears from my face. "I'm sorry. There's just some nights— I can't take it. The meds don't help and I just— I feel nothing and everything at the same time. But when you're here... that crap goes away."
     He smiles slightly. "My an-an-anxiety is the-the-the same. You-You m-m-m-make it less."
     "Thanks for keeping your ringer on," I say, sniffling. "Sorry I had to wake you."
     "D-Don't be. Y-You-You-You do the sa-sa-sa-same f-f-f-f-for me."
     It's true. Some nights he's the one waking from nightmares. His breathing and cries are loud enough for me to hear, as our rooms are right next to each other. The attacks aren't every other night like they used to be, though. They're still coming about once a week now, and I always go to help him through them.
     I thank him again. "You can go back to your room now. I'll be alright."
     He smiles and shakes his head. "I'll st-st-st-st-stay until y-you f-f-fall as-as-asleep."
     I want to argue but know there's no point. He'll stay whatever I say.
     I fall asleep soundly, much quicker than I thought I would. I often have trouble getting a good night's sleep. But with his sure presence, my body relaxes into a lull of restful sleep.
     When I wake to my alarm, I see he's still there, his small body curled up on the end of the bed. I nudge him with my foot. "Hey. Wake up."
     He grumbles something unintelligible.
     "Idiot! The hearing's today!"
     His eyes fly open. "Ah!"
     My parents answered the court summons and we got a date set for the hearing fairly quick.
We get ready and eat Hinata-sama's breakfast. The family doesn't look too worried. Even if my parents don't renounce their rights, we should have enough proof of child neglect to have the judge terminate them within the month. But there's still an irrational fear inside of me that things won't work out at all, that I won't be allowed to stay here, that I'll end up without a family, without a home, without anybody.
     But I take a deep breath and remind myself that these things won't happen. Like Abiko-san has told me, that's just my depression talking. There are good, logical things that will happen today, but my mind is preventing me from seeing those right now. I take my meds and sigh. It will be okay. I will be okay.
Hinata-sama pulls me aside after breakfast. She hugs me tightly. I guess she could sense my nerves. "Please don't worry about today. Remember, no matter when the judge's decision is made, you will stay with us. You will always have a place in our home. Always. It's okay to be scared as long as you remember this. We love you."
"I don't understand," I murmur into her shoulder. "Where does it all come from?"
"The love?" she asks. "You'll understand when you become a parent. I can't put it into words. You're so precious, Tobio. You mean the world. I know that's hard to see since you've never known that kind of love before, but I hope you can at least believe me when I tell you this."
"I want to."
She smiles gently. "Trust me. That's all you need to do right now."
"Okay. I will."
She pulls me down so she can kiss my forehead. "We'll all make it through today. We've come so far already. How can a mere hearing compare?"
I smile, comforted by her words.
"Now go finish getting ready. We're leaving in a half hour."
We drive there together, all in pretty nice clothes. Shō cleaned up nicely. His usually wild hair is now slightly less so, parted and styled by his mom. I'm wearing a new button down, but I don't feel quite like me in it.
Once we get there, Shō mentions he has to use the restroom. Hinata-sama, Hinata-san, and Natsu make their way to the courtroom, and I accompany Shō, telling them we'll meet them in a few minutes.
     "Ben, ben, benjo ben," he chants as we walk, singing that stupid little song he usually uses on his way to the bathroom.
     Great. He doesn't stutter while he sings, so I have a feeling I'll be listening to this annoying song for a while.
     The clacking of his crutches ceases as he stops abruptly. I follow his gaze to see what's startled him.
     My parents look right back at me.