Rigid Crow

My Decision Was Set

     "You're back," Hinata states through his computerized voice when I visit him after a few days of deciding not to. It's only been a few days since... well, since that. I wonder if he hates me. I'll bet he's at least angry. So I stayed home until the guilt got the best of me.
     "Yeah, I'm back." I hold onto the straps of my backpack and grip them tightly, unsure of what to say next.
     "Don't just stand there. You're making me nervous."
     I take a seat where I normally do next to his bed. "Hey... um, can I ask you a question?"
     "Sure." He stares at me, waiting.
     "Sorry if this is insensitive, or really out of nowhere, but... When I came in- that day... you were thrashing and sobbing like you wanted to die. Like you were upset that it hadn't worked. That the nurses were keeping you from that. But then, when you were calmed down, you regretted that. You told me you wouldn't try again. How could your mind be changed so quickly?"
     His face is full of emotion when he responds. "When you came back, Kageyama, it was like I knew something mattered to me again. I knew someone worried for me. I made a mistake. I wrote off the people in my life for my stupid feelings. Volleyball is not all that matters to me. I thought it was, but it's not. Of course I would give up anything to play again, but now I realize, even if I couldn't... I still have you. I still have the team. I still have my parents, my sister. Those are people who are not going to leave based on my performance on anything."
     I grimace and look away. "I left."
     Hinata glares at me. "Yeah. That was really dumb. It's hard to believe anything matters when you're told..." He takes a deep breath and looks back down to what he's typing. "Look, Kageyama. My mind was already half made up that day. You walked out, and my decision was set. Do you understand that?"
     My stomach turns. "I think I know that better than anyone else in the world."
We sit in silence for a few minutes before I speak again. "How are you feeling now?"
"Better. I'm hoping the worst of everything has passed. It was really hard facing my family after... you know. But my body still seems to be improving, even though I feel like I'm still in a poor emotional state. They're gonna start me on food today. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to... I don't know, maybe be there and help."
"Help?" I ask. "What do you mean?"
He blushes. "I'm doing well with my hands and stuff, but my arms... I can't even write, let alone hold a spoon. Someone's going to have to help, and while it could be a nurse..."
"Oh. You want me to help feed you."
He groans and bites his lip. "I feel like such a baby."
"You are not a baby," I say, sitting forward. "You are healing."
"I would ask my mom or dad, but after... what happened, I just- I'd rather it be you. For now."
"Don't worry. I'll do it. It doesn't have to be weird or embarrassing. And I'm sure there will be easier ways for you to eat on your own after they get past these first foods for you. Maybe a way to drink puréed stuff from a straw or something."
This brings a smile smile to his face. "You're probably right. Thanks, Kageyama."
"Tobio," I correct him before I even process it.
Hinata's eyes flash with shock. "What?"
"Never mind," I say, shaking my head. "Forget I said anything."
"No. You're giving me permission to use your given name?"
"What? You- You want to? I mean, I was just thinking that the third years all use first names with each other. They're really close like that. Our previous third years, too, with the exception of Sugawara-san. I just thought... We're best friends, too, right? And I'm here so much. So I thought that maybe we could do that, too."
Hinata smiles. "I'd like that. So stop stuttering and worrying over being too informal. Because heaven forbid the great Kageyama-san drops an honorific, or- gasp! Even uses a first name!"
Sarcasm does not carry on a robotic computerized voice. I'm just guessing he's being sarcastic.
"Shut up," I snap, hiding a snicker behind my hand.
"Here's the thing. If I call you Tobio, you have to call me Shōyō. Think you can do that without passing out from your fear of impoliteness?"
"I said shut up! And yeah, fine."
"Say it."
"You first."
He wrinkles his nose at me. "No fair! You know I can't speak well!"
I cross my arms and lean back in my chair, waiting.
"Fine!" He looks up from the electronic and says audibly, "Tob-Tobio." He goes back to typing. "There! Happy?"
"Yeah- Shōyō, I'm happy." I shake my head. "No, no, it's too weird!"
Hinata looks smug. "I told you you'd be too embarrassed."
"I'm not- whatever. What about... something close? A nickname, maybe? People do that, right?"
Hinata thinks for a second. "Okay." He pauses again. "What about this? You're Tobi. I'm..."
"Shō," I say, my mouth working faster than my brain. "You're Shō."
He grins. "Yeah. I'm Shō. That reminds me of elementary school. Or the little kids at that volleyball training place with the original Ukai-san. They'd call me that."
"...My mother would call me Tobi."
Hinata's expression changes. "You're not on good terms with her, is that right? Maybe Tobi isn't such a good one, then."
"No, it's fine. It's... different coming from you."
"Good." He makes a sound close to a chuckle. "Tobi and Shō. We sound like a television show."
"Oh yeah? And what's this show about? Hospital antics? Reality TV where we pool contestants to find the worst volleyball players in the world? Maybe a cooking show where it's literally just eating the food that the nurse brings for you and waiting to see if you'll throw up?"
He smiles. "That wouldn't get any viewers!"
I shrug. "There are some weird people out there."
     "Not as weird as you," he jabs.
     "Hey! You're the weird one!"
     "Nu-uh."
     "Ya-huh."
     This time he argues back audibly. "Nu-uh."
     "Ya-huh!"
     I don't know how many times we go back and forth, but I love the feeling growing in my chest- the one that makes me feel like this is just like old times, when everything was okay.
     And maybe it still is.