Rigid Crow

A World Without Hinata

     There is only room for four of us in the car, not including Coach. I tumble in, along with Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Yamaguchi. As the three first years stand to the side, Narita, Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Tsukishima stand next to the car, distress on their faces. Kinoshita looks like he's ready to fight someone for a place in the car. Ennoshita puts a hand on his friend's shoulder.
     Narita waves to Tanaka through the window, pointing to his cell phone. "Call me as soon as you get there!"
     As we drive to the hospital, I can't make the tears stop. I'm so ashamed, and so afraid.
     Nishinoya rests a hand on my knee. "Kageyama," he addresses me, his voice husky, "it's going to be okay."
     An audible cry tears from my mouth and my breaths come in gulping gasps. "Pull over," I moan as my stomach wrenches. "Pull over. Please."
     Coach pulls off the road to the side, and when the car stops, I tug off my seatbelt, throw open the side door, and stumble into the grass. I double over, heaving up the contents of what I've eaten today. My knees buckle with fatigue.
     Someone rubs my back, and someone else urges me to take a bottle of water from his hand.
     "I hate myself," I sob. "I freaking hate myself." 
     "Hey, don't say that about my friend," Yamaguchi reprimands me softly.
     "Wh-What?"
     "You're my friend. I don't hate you."
     "You should," I groan, clutching my stomach. "You all should. I'm horrible. Just terrible."
     "Kageyama, we're worried, too, but you can't afford to be hard on yourself right now," Tanaka tells me sternly. "You may be the only one who can pull Hinata out of this. So if you can stand, you need to man up and get back in the car."
     "Ryu's right," Nishinoya says. "Don't wallow in what you can't change. Focus on what you can go and fix."
     I nod weakly and let them help me up and back to the car.

                               ::::::::::::::

     We check in quickly when we reach the hospital, then make our way to Hinata's room as fast as we can.
We get in the room to find Hinata sitting in his bed, sobbing and struggling against the doctors. The computer he was using to speak lays sideways on the chair next to the bed, like it was knocked off.
"Shōyō-kun, please!" one nurse pleads with him. "Relax."
Another nurse turns, sees all of us in the room, and waves her hands, trying to get us out. "Please, I'm sorry, but there are too many people-" Her eyes reach me, and she asks, "You're Kageyama-kun, right? We could use your help. The rest of you, though, we'll call back in when we can."
I rush to Hinata's side, where he still numbly thrashes about with the mobility he has. He cries in choking screams. "Hey, hey, hey, hey," I repeat softly, gently taking his arms and holding them steady. "I'm here. I'm here. You're okay. You're going to be okay, dumbass, just calm down. I'm so sorry, Hinata." I look over at the nurses. "What happened?"
"We received a call from your teacher about what was happening right after Shōyō-kun tore out his IVs. We need to insert them again soon, but he won't stay still for us. He would've worn himself out soon enough, but we're glad you've come. He usually calms down when you're here."
"Was he trying to...?"
The nurse's expression saddens. "Probably, given that this behavior is quite different for his normal behavior, and he's not having a panic attack, either. But don't worry. Pulling out IVs won't do anything too bad to him. We are going to call in a psychiatrist for him in a timely manner, though, as soon as he gets his bearings. Maybe let him rest a night while we keep a careful watch on him."
"What can I do?"
"Make him comfortable and calm if you can. Just be his friend. His parents will be here soon."
"Please don't leave?" I ask them, taking Hinata's hands as his struggling dies down.
"Of course not," the nurse speaking tells me reassuringly. "This is a serious situation that we won't leave you alone with."
"Hinata, can you please let them put your IV back in?" I ask him, squeezing his hands in mine.
He shakes his head 'no', tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Hinata, please. I'm so sorry for what I said earlier. I'm so sorry I left you, but you're going to get dehydrated. And you need to get your nutrients. You haven't started eating yet. Those IVs are giving you what you need to get stronger. They're also giving you your medications so that you can get better and play volleyball again."
Hinata hesitates, but to my relief, nods his head in affirmation. The nurses take his arm and get to work. Hinata doesn't look at them, but at me. I want so badly to make him stop crying.
"Hinata, how could you?" I ask, crestfallen. "I know you care about volleyball, but don't you care about anything else? I know you do. I know you love your friends, your family. That's worth living for. Do you agree?"
"Y-Yes."
He didn't hesitate this time. He meant to kill himself, even if it was a lousy attempt at it, and he sees how wrong he was so quickly? It seems unreal, but the kid's been through a lot.
"You know I didn't mean what I said, right? I'm sorry, I never should have put myself on such a high pedestal, or implied that you were being inconsiderate and selfish. You are neither of those things. You're so special. I'm sorry I treated you like you weren't. Can you forgive me?"
"Mm-hm."
"Thank you."
He's still shaking pretty badly, but his tears have run dry. I hug him, careful not to move his arm that the nurses are working on. "I'm glad you're alive. After I left, I had the worst feeling that you actually could hurt yourself, and, well, here's the thing. I know you love volleyball. I know it would devastate you if you couldn't play again. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but, Hinata, I could live in a world without volleyball, but I could not live in a world without Hinata in it. There must be something you feel that way about. There are things in the world worth much more than any sport. Your life is worth more than that."
"S-S-Sor-Sorry."
"You actually were trying to- you wanted to- you won't again. Will you?"
Hinata looks at me with big, sad eyes. "N-N-No."
     "Thank goodness." I let out a deep sigh, my heart thumping in my ears. I look over and see the IV already in his arm. "Oh, good. It's in. Good job, Hinata." I glance back at him. "Hey, mind if the other guys come in and see you before your parents get here? Yamaguchi, Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Coach are waiting to see you."
     Hinata looks panic stricken.
     "Don't worry," I reassure him. "They're not going to think any less of you. You can't imagine how worried they were for you on the way here. They love you, no matter what."
He nods, squeezes my hand one last time.
I step out, and the nurses request that the guys go in one at a time. As Yamaguchi goes in, Nishinoya asks me expectantly, "Is he okay?!"
"He's going to be fine."
His expression of panic melts into a small smile. "You fixed your mistakes, huh? I can see it in your face."
I look back. "I guess so."
Tanaka sighs in relief, then grins and slaps me on the shoulder. "Good man."
Good is the last thing I feel.