Rigid Crow

The Worth in Your Life

It's now been a little more than a week since Hinata's first sign of the panic disorder. There have been attacks every couple days, but Hinata has been pushing through them well. And the physical therapy specifically has been developing much improvement in him.
    "This is so cool!"
Hinata now has full mobility in his hands and fingers, and now hardly has any trouble with writing typing, so it's going to be the way he communicates until he can fully speak. He has been given a computer that is built for this purpose. It has a voice that says whatever he types.
"I can talk again! Thank goodness! I wish it had my voice, though. This other one is pretty trippy."
"Ha! Yeah, it is. It's not so bad, though."
     "I really want to spam the keyboard and see what happens."
     "Please don't."
     "Oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya-"
      "Stop it! Oh, my ears!"
     "Okay, okay, fine. Did you hear? They're gonna start me walking in two weeks! They think I'll be ready."
     "Really? That's great! Do you feel ready?"
"Not quite yet, but hopefully by then. I mean, I don't have good control over my arms yet, and I've barely tried anything with my legs, but hopefully a couple more weeks will mean more improvement." His expression saddens after a moment. "Hey... Look, I'm trying to be optimistic and all, especially for my parents. I'm trying to convince myself, but do you really think this is all gonna work?"
     "What do you mean?"
     "Kageyama, I know what the doctors are saying. I know I may never fully recover. I know I probably won't, at that. And even if I do, that will most likely take years. I can't do this for years, especially if it's all for nothing. I can't live without playing volleyball, and it looks like I will never be doing what I live for again. I can't be like this for the rest of my life. I can't do this for another day. I've been thinking about this a lot. I try to get myself excited for promised improvement, but I just can't. What improvement? Sure, I've got my fingers back. My fingers. That took a month. And I still don't think I can write. I'm not getting better, Kageyama. Not really. Not in the way I want, the way I need to be.
"So... I don't want to live anymore."
As the initial shock registers, I feel a scream build in my throat. "SHUT UP! YOU MUST NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN, IDIOT!"
His lower lip trembles and his eyes fill with tears. "There's no point. If I can't play volleyball, I don't want to be alive."
"You're worth so much more than volleyball, Hinata."
"It doesn't feel like it. I hate living this way. The panic attacks are too much. I'll never play volleyball again. I cannot live where the only things I live for are expecting to maybe get a visitor or gaining a little mobility back in some part of me. I hate it. I hate this. I wanna die. I wanna die, Kageyama."
"STOP IT! Stop it! Do you think we all waited by your side two months for you to wake up just for you to say you want to freaking off yourself?" Horrid realization dawns on me. Could he really commit suicide here, and in his condition? I don't even want to take the chance. "Hinata, Hinata, listen to me now. Don't kill yourself. Please. Your life is worth- it's worth so much, whether you can play volleyball or not. Think of your friends, think of your family, think- think of me! Why would I be here every possible minute of my day not spent at practice or school to be with you, make sure you're safe, make sure you are okay, make sure you're improving if I didn't see the worth in your life? Not just worth- you have insane value! Hinata! Can't you see that? You are so loved! Think of how many hearts you would break if you died! Even if these are just selfish reasons, please, please, Hinata, you can't, you can't die."
     "You don't understand. This is miserable. I am miserable. It would be better off for everyone, including me, if I was dead."
     "NO! No, no, no, that isn't true! Oh, it isn't true! Are you serious? Does this- does this mean nothing to you?"
     He narrows his eyes at me, his sadness fading to confusion. "This? What do you mean?"
     "Are you kidding me? I thought we were friends! I thought our friendship meant something to you!"
     Hinata doesn't answer. He just sits, his expression blank and hard. He doesn't even look at me.
     "Fine! You don't wanna talk? Don't! I'll see myself out." I storm out, and before I slam the door behind me, I shout, "Was this all just a waste of your time? Of my time? I thought you appreciated all I've done. Well, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough!"

                              :::::::::::::::

     I have the time to walk directly to the school for our weekend practice, and I'm fuming the whole way, tears falling down my cheeks. I don't quite know who I'm angry with. Myself? Him? I don't know. I just know that I'm boiling. I don't even remember all of the conversation. Nothing has hit me yet. What were we even talking about?

                                :::::::::::::::

     I lose myself in practice, my mind fully dedicated to my sport as I train with my teammates. It isn't until practice is almost over that everything fully registers in my mind.
     Hinata.
     Said.
     He.
     Wanted.
     To.
     Die.
     Oh my word.
     And I left- I said- oh gosh.
     I collapse right where I'm standing, followed by the frightened shouts of my teammates. I'm on my hands and knees, shaking.
     Yamaguchi kneels at my side, asking, "Kageyama, are you okay?! What's wrong?"
     "What have I done? What have I done?" I murmur in horror. "He said he wanted to die, and I just said that and I left. No, no, no, I have to go back. I have to back right now."
     "Kageyama, what are you talking about? Die? No... were you with Hinata this morning? Kageyama, what happened?"
     "I said something awful to Hinata, after he told me that he- he- Does anyone have a car? Please!"
     Takeda-sensei rushes to my side, helping me to my feet. "Kageyama, you need explain what's going on. I can take you where you need, but you need to tell us what exactly the matter is. Is it Hinata-kun? Is he in danger, or is he all right? And are you all right?"
"I- I'm fine, but- but- I don't know! Hinata told me he didn't want to live anymore, and I was stupid, and I think we got into a fight-"
"He said what?" Noya asks shrilly.
"Not like, kill himself?" Tanaka shoves his way forward, horror stricken.
"I don't know!" I scream out. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
"I'm going to call the hospital right away," Takeda assures us. "Don't worry. I don't believe Hinata could cause harm to himself in his condition, but this is extremely serious and we have to make sure he's safe and help him." He begins to dial the number on his cell and rushes out of the gym. "Ukai-kun, drive the kids there now!"
I bury my face in my hands. "Please let him be okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
     Someone takes my wrist. It's Kinoshita. "Hey. He's going to be okay. We just need to get to the car now. That's all we can do."
"Okay," I make out, my voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.
And only one thought clouds my mind as we blindly rush to the car: Stay alive, Hinata Shōyō.