Rigid Crow

I Want to Be Wrong

I visit Saturday morning to find Shō still asleep. I thought he would already be up and too excited to sleep any more. Today's the day I'm taking him outside for the first time.
     I wait until he wakes up. He's startled to see me at first, but then he smiles. He knows just why I'm here today.
     "O-Outs-side."
     I smile back. "Yeah. Outside."
I help him into the wheelchair provided for his use, settling his computer on his lap.
As I push him out of the room and down the hall, I ask him about the past week before everything that happened yesterday.
     "It's been okay. They switched my psychiatrist. You know how I was only going to have one more appointment with the one who was helping me walk through the suicidal thoughts? I've got a new one who's more specialized in anxiety, and I met with him once this week. I think I like him fine."
     "That's good. I'm glad to hear it."
     We get in the elevator, and I let him press the button. It gives him so much pleasure, that little action.
     The receptionist smiles and waves as we leave through the front.
     Shō watches the sky. It's becoming a little chillier, but he doesn't mind at all. A slight breeze brushes us as I push him down the sidewalk. He relishes it all in childlike wonder.
     I roll him onto a lawn outside the hospital. There's a playground nearby. I can hear the faint laughter and delighted screams of children as they run and climb.
     "So, how is it?" I ask him.
     We watch as a crow flies overhead. He waits to answer, taking everything in. He finally answers me audibly. "W-Wonderful."
     We take in the scenery some more in silence until he dissolves into a fit of coughs.
     "Hey, you okay?"
     He coughs again, then nods. "Mm-hm."
     "Okay... You know you can tell me if you aren't."
     He smiles. "I'm fine, Tobi. Really. It's just a little cough. Don't be such a Worryama."
     I scoff. "Am not!"
     "Are, too! Alllllll theeeee tiiiime."
"Whatever, dumbass."
     He looks a little pale. Well, paler than usual.
     I start a conversation about how volleyball's going, but not far into it, he starts to cough again. One hand clutches at his chest and the other goes to cover his mouth. When he's done, he pulls his hand away, and I see it covered in flecks of red.
"Shō! Oh, no, no, no, are you okay? That's- That's blood, that's freaking blood. O-Okay, I'm getting you back inside, now."
     He nods uncertainly.
     "Does anything hurt?" I ask, watching him intently as I push him back to the hospital doors.
     He turns to look at me and grimaces. "Chest."
     "Okay. Hold on. It's going to be okay." I may be freaking out over nothing. But this anxiety- it hammers in my chest, I feel like I may throw up. There's been fear wedged deep within me for so long and I feel like it's requited now. I pray that this is not as frightening as I think. Please don't let it be serious. For once in my life, I want to be wrong.
     I call out for the receptionist when we get back inside. "Ojo-san, help, please!"
     The woman stands and comes over to us, concern written across her face. "What's the matter?"
     "Could you call Saki-san? Or one of the nurses? Shō- we were outside, and he was coughing, and he started coughing up blood. I think he's gotten sick and I don't know what to do!"
     Her expression of concern doesn't fade, which does nothing to ease my panic. "Bring him back to his room right away. I'll call the personnel at once."
     I bring Shō to his room without delay telling him calming things, but on the inside, my stomach is swimming with turmoil.
"Don't worry," I tell him once I get him back in his bed. "I'll be back as soon as they let me. I'll call your family, too. I'm sure this is nothing, they just need to check you out to make sure, okay?"
     He nods, but he doesn't look like he believes me. That makes sense. I sure don't believe myself.
     The nurses enter and ask me to leave for a little while. I dial the Hinatas' house and wait anxiously for them to pick up as I walk to the waiting room.
     "Hello, Tobio-kun," Hinata-sama's voice sounds from the other end. "How are you?"
"Hinata-sama, something's happened. I don't know what's going on, but I think Shō's gotten sick. You need to come now."
Her voice responds quicker, more frantically. "Wait. Is it serious? What's wrong with him?"
"I don't know. We were outside, but he wasn't looking quite like himself, and he was coughing, and he started coughing up blood, and the nurses are checking him over now. But by the looks on their faces... I think it's bad."
I hear her catch her breath. "Oh- oh my word- alright. We'll be there as soon as possible. Thank you for calling, Tobio."
I sit in the waiting room, restless. What is happening? Nothing like this has happened before. Not since he started getting attacks.
     Shō's family soon joins me. The receptionist fills them in on what she can tell them so far. We sit there, clouded in tensity as we wait for any news.
     A doctor eventually rounds the corner and calls out, "Hinata Shōyō's family?"
     They stand up at once, and I stand, too, but when I come up with them, the doctor says only the immediate family, for now. He takes them with him, and I'm alone again.
     Why? Why couldn't I go, too? So what if I'm not blood related? I've spent more time with him than anyone. Don't I at least deserve to know what's happening?
I slump back in a chair waiting for something, anything. It seems I'm left with nothing but my own tumbling thoughts.