Rigid Crow

Less Empty

I can't remember the last time I ate a home cooked meal. Hinata-sama makes delicious udon with vegetables for dinner.
It was a long day at the hospital. After exerting myself in the gym, I trekked back. I was allowed to see him by then, but he was asleep, put under by medicine.
The family is quiet as we eat. Even Natsu doesn't make a peep, though by the look on her face, she looks constipated with the effort of not talking at all.
Her father notices. "What is it, Natsu?" he asks gently. "Is there something you want to say?"
She looks older than she did months ago, which makes sense because children grow fast, but on a level of maturity, too. She's had to deal with heavy weight this year. "Will Tobi-nii stay here every night?" She looks at me with expectancy and eagerness.
"I don't know about that, Natsu-chan," I say softly. "I have a home, too."
Her face falls, and her lower lip begins to quiver.
"But I'll come as often as I can!" I reassure her quickly. I then turn to her parents. "I mean, if that's okay."
They nod encouragingly. I'm sure all three of them miss having Shō with them. Perhaps I make the house seem a little less empty.
Natsu nods contentedly. She takes a big bite of food. Her expression grows sad again, like she's remembered something. "Is Onii-chan not coming back home? Ever?"
Hinata-san sighs, not exasperated, but deeply depressed. "We don't know yet, darling."
She glares at her parents accusingly. "But you said he was. Why not anymore?"
Hinata-sama covers her mouth with the back of her hand, standing up. She puts a hand on her husband's shoulder and bows to me. "Excuse me for a moment."
We watch her leave. I see the weight of these questions fall on Hinata-san's shoulders. "Natsu-chan... Shōyō's sick. Really sick. We—" his voice catches "—We don't know if he's coming home. We need to spend all the time we can with him now in case he doesn't."
Natsu looks at him with wide eyes. "Why wouldn't he? Does he not want to?"
I can see the deep grief growing in her father's eyes. "Of course he wants to, love. But he may not because... he may die, Natsu. Do you know what that means?"
Natsu thinks hard. "Um..."
     "Do you remember your grandmother, Natsu? Obaa-chan? Remember when she died?"
     I remember Shō being absent from school earlier in the year because his grandmother had passed.
     "Oh..." Natsu's eyes grow big. "But..." They fill with tears. "Onii-chan's not..."
     Hinata-san buries his face in his hands.
     I bring Natsu into my lap and she wraps her arms tightly around me, hiding her face in my chest. "Not old," I finish, murmuring in her ear. "I know. Someone may die if they get too old, too hurt, or too sick, Natsu. Your brother is really sick right now, that's why."
She bawls into my chest, devastated. I must look panicked, unsure of what to do, because Hinata-san composes himself and comes over to take his daughter.
He cradles her in his arms, letting her cry into his shoulder.
"I think we should go to bed early tonight, nee?" he mumbles to her. He looks back at me. "I'm sorry things are hectic. You're welcome to sleep in Shōyō's room tonight. Ask if need anything. We'll go back to the hospital at 8 in the morning unless we get any calls."
They leave for Natsu's room. I'm left alone at the table. I must stand up too abruptly, because my head spins, and I have to grip the chair for balance. Dizziness has been a side effect of the antidepressants.
I wish I could help clean up for them, but the best I can do is leave the leftovers in the fridge and pile the dishes in the sink. I then go to the bedroom.
It's been a long time since I've been in Shō's room. It's pretty plain, similar to mine, but a poster of the Little Giant hangs on the wall opposite his bed. It feels strange being in here on my own. I feel like I'm a stranger intruding something that shouldn't be disturbed.
     I wonder if he's sleeping right now. I wonder if he misses sleeping in his own bed. I wonder just how much he misses home.
     I wouldn't miss home.
     It's still early, but my body could use couple extra hours of sleep. As I climb under the covers, I notice that the sheets smell clean. Hinata-sama must still wash them every week. My heart aches. I can't remember the last time my mom washed my sheets for me.
I drift off sooner than I was expecting. My antidepressants have had strange effects on my body. I never know if I will have a great sleep or a night where I can't fall asleep at all. It's been alright, for the most part, and doesn't really interfere with my training, which I was afraid of beforehand. My diet is good, so I've had less problems concerning health aspects. I'm not extremely concerned about these things, though I've been told that the side effects should only last for the first few weeks, and I'm almost done that period. They're already lessening.
     I'm not woken up by Hinata-san or Hinata-sama during the night, so I suppose that's a good sign.
     I wake up at 6 and go for a run, showering afterwards. The familiar routine calms me down, preparing me as well as possible for the rest of today.
     It's easily understood between me and the Hinatas that I'm not going to school today. Who knows if I'll even go tomorrow?
     We drive to the hospital in silence, wallowing in worry. I almost want the hospital to call. Not because I want to hear he's gotten worse, I just want to hear how he is.
     We walk to his room together, and when we open the door, he's already awake, and a nurse is with him.
     The nurse greets us wearily. "I'm sorry to say he's still terribly feverish and not improving. But he is awake, for the time being, so that's a good sign."
     Shō's family rushes to his side, but he locks eyes with me. With that single glance, I feel his fear, his pain, his grief.
     I would do anything to take it all away.