Rigid Crow

There to Listen

     "It's so nice to meet you, Kageyama-kun. My name is Abiko Aimi. I'm still a student studying psychiatry, but I'm well qualified in my training, and I'm eager to get to know you. Would you mind telling me a little about yourself?"
     I'm meeting a psychiatrist for the first time today. Suga helped me find an affordable one, and through working up to it, we asked the team for a little financial help, which they gladly agreed to help cover what insurance couldn't, which I am so grateful for. I don't have any money to spare, and while my parents do, they don't realize how much I need this, that this is a real problem for me, and said they wouldn't throw their money away for something that I didn't need. That's frustrating, and really angers me, but I didn't really expect any different.
     "Um, I'll be seventeen soon enough, I like milk, I'm a setter in my volleyball team at school... That's it. That's all I do."
     Abiko-san perks up. "Really? You must spend a lot of time doing that then."
     "Yeah, I do. I train all the time. I plan to go pro. I'm already considered one of the best setters of my age group in the country."
     "That's incredible! It's great that you have something you're so passionate about! And to be so talented? That's really wonderful. I can't say much for myself," she says, laughing. "If studying and reading novels is a talent, I'd say I'm doing very well. So," she smiles amiably, and I feel comfortable with her already, "you gave me your symptoms prior to this meet. Has any doctor diagnosed you before?"
     I shake my head. "No. This only just started recently, like within these past few months, ever since my best friend got injured, fell into a coma, woke up, and started recovering. Mostly when he started recovering. It's been... really hard."
     Abiko-san nods, sympathizing. "Yeah. Kageyama-kun, based on the symptoms you've described, it seems you have a form of depression."
     My breath hitches. "Really? I mean, it's not like I've lost interest in volleyball anymore, or like I want to kill myself or anything."
     "Kageyama-kun, mental health is a tricky thing. Yes, those are some symtoms of depression, but everyone experiences it differently."
     "Oh. Okay."
     "Look," she says gently, "I know things look bleak right now, but you are going to get through this. I promise. There's nothing that you can't overcome. It's going to take some work, but we'll do it, okay?"
     "Okay."
     "Good. So, can you tell me a little about your friend?"
     "Yeah. Hinata. I- I call him Shō. He got hurt maybe a little less than five months ago? We were playing in a match. He's a middle blocker. I tossed him a ball to hit, but it was a really bad one. He went for it anyway, but he landed wrong, hitting his head. We didn't catch it quick enough, but he had a brain bleed. He fell into a coma before he even arrived at the hospital. It was really bad. The doctors didn't think he would ever wake up. We... we lost hope. I thought he was good as dead. I-" my voice catches, and I choke back a sob "-I thought I lost him."
     Abiko-san nods. "You said earlier that he's your best friend. You're very close?"
     I nod, swallowing. "I- I have a hard time making friends. I finally made really good relationships with my teammates last year. I was able to make good friends. I- I actually hated Shō at first," I say through a laugh. "But we grew on each other, I guess. And eventually, the guy I couldn't stand to see became someone I relied on. Someone I could have fun with. Someone who actually cared about me."
     "Do you have anyone else in your life like that, Kageyama-kun?"
     I shrug. "I mean, my teammates, I guess. And my senpai, Suga-san. He's in college now."
     "What about your parents? Would you be open to telling me about your relationship with them?"
     I grimace. "It's... it's not good. I mean, it's not like... they've never been physically abusive or anything. I'm safe at home. It's just... they're not usually around, because they work a lot, especially my dad. And when they're home, they're irritable, strict, and negligent. They don't care about me at all. At least, not in a loving way, I don't think. They said they wouldn't even pay for my therapy. But it's gotten to the point where I don't even care anymore. I can't expect anything of them, so I just stopped caring."
     "I'm sorry to hear that," Abiko-san tells me. "However, I'm glad you know who the people you can rely on are. It's important to have support when you're working through a time like this."
     It's so strange... having someone who will really listen to me when I speak. Of course, I have Shō and Suga-san who will do that, and Noya-san and Yamaguchi and everyone else, but they're my peers. And while this woman isn't too much older than I am, she's still an adult, and she really seems like she genuinely cares and wants to help, and not just because she's trying to learn her trade, or make money.
     My parents were never there to listen. For most of my life, I just assumed that's how life was. Parents were just people who made sure you were fed and had a place to be educated. People just existed to grow up, do their jobs, maybe find something they enjoyed. Friends were people who helped you hone your talents, made sure you stayed healthy. I didn't understand that love and relationships were actually things until I came to Karasuno.
     "I didn't even know what it felt like to have someone care about me until I was fifteen years old. And I had had no idea I was missing anything. I didn't know that people loved each other, or sought to build relationships. I thought it was all just... instinct. Is that- Is that normal? Why-" I feel myself choke up "-Why didn't anybody notice? Why didn't anyone show me?"
     Abiko-san looks at me with concern, but her expression soon clears. "There's some things we don't understand until we truly experience them. If you know all this now, Kageyama-kun, it means you've found it."
     I'm thankful for that. I really am. But how can it make me feel so full, but so empty all at the same time?