Rigid Crow

A Friend Like That

     I'm doing my schoolwork in the hospital later in the week when Hinata, who was just sleeping, gasps and spasms awake. He whimpers in fright and begins to shake.
I shoot up from my seat and rush to his side. "Hinata?" I reach out my hand.
Hinata takes and grips my hand over and over again, a frightening message interpreted through our simple communication system. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-
     "Hinata! What's wrong? You're fine! Everything's alright."
No, no, no, no, no, no-
     "Hey, what is it? You have to tell me what's wrong!"
     His eyes are filled with unrequited panic. Tears are now streaming down his face. His breathing is erratic and unsteady. He whimpers and moans. His eyes are alight with pain. No, no, no, no-
     "I don't understand! I- I- I'm calling the nurses!"
I press the call button on the side of the bed, fighting to keep calm. Hinata's heart monitor beeps faster. One terrorizing minute later, a male and female nurse check in. I recognize them, but don't know them well enough to remember their names. "Help him!" I shout, frantic.
I back away as the two come up on either side of Hinata. The woman brushes away the hair stuck to his forehead and tells him gently, "Take a deep breath. There you go. Good job. Again. You're safe."
The man alerts a nurse walking by to fetch one of the doctors for a minute.
How are they so calm? Something's obviously horribly wrong with him! "Hey, what's happening? Please, tell me! He's- he's- I don't know! Help him!"
One nurse casts a glance my way.
Saki-san enters the room, and that nurse mumbles some things to her. She nods and turns to me. "Kageyama-kun, we're going to need you to step out of the room for a minute."
"But he's-"
"Just give us a moment to work with him. Please."
With one last desperate glance at Hinata, I leave the room, and the door is shut behind me. I slump against the wall and slide to the floor. That's my best friend in there. Is he dying? Is he?
It seems like forever until Saki-san comes back out, though it was probably only a couple minutes. She takes a knee beside me and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Is he okay? He was shaking and crying and he kept telling me 'no, no, no'- and the heart monitor- and- and-"
"Woah, woah, woah," she stops me. "Don't worry. It's most likely he's experiencing PTSD from his accident through nightmares or flashbacks. This is also causing a panic disorder, leading to panic attacks. These are often results of traumatic brain injury. He's physically alright, and we're helping him now. That was a panic attack he had just now. It's a normal symptom. He's not in any danger."
     "So he's okay?"
     "Yes. Those things can be treated as well as everything else. We'll assign him a cognitive therapist to help him through. I'm guessing you've never seen a panic attack before?"
I try to regain my composure. "I- I have. I saw my friend Narita have one once, but- but it was nothing like that."
Saki-san nods. "They can be different for different people in different circumstances. Tell me this, though. Are you okay, Kageyama-kun?"
     "Me?" I bark out a humorless laugh, my head in my hands. "I- I'm not the one who can hardly move or speak. I'm not the one who's getting flashbacks, or got injured, or is having sudden panic attacks."
     "But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to recognize where you are hurting, no matter how small it seems in comparison to Hinata-kun's issues. This kind of experience can be traumatizing for people other than Hinata-kun, and that includes you. It's okay to need help, Kageyama-kun. I think it would be wise to look into therapy for yourself, see what works best for you."
     "But I'm fine... Right?"
"I don't know how you're feeling, Kageyama-kun. I don't know if you're fine, but it's okay if you're not."
I stand up. "Sorry, excuse me." I need to get away. Anywhere but here.
When I find myself in an empty hall I bring out my phone. I find frightened tears spilling down my cheeks. I need Sugawara. He can always calm me down. I dial the number and pray he isn't busy.
To my relief, he picks up. "Hello?"
"S-Suga-san."
"Kageyama? Oh, kouhai, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I don't- I don't know any- anymore."
"Hey, you need to tell me what's wrong. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"I'm not hurt. It was just- Hinata had a panic attack- a really bad one- and- and I didn't- I didn't know-"
     "I'm coming to see you."
     "What? No. No, don't do that. I'm sure you have plans, and have to study-"
     "Kageyama, you're more important than all of that right now. My friends will understand. I'm always going to be there for you and Hinata.  Do you understand?"
     "I... yes. Thank you."
     "Of course. Just take good care of Hinata until I get there, okay? Will you still be at the hospital when I arrive, or should I meet you somewhere else?"
     "The hospital."
     "Okay. I'll be there in a little less than an hour. I'll see you soon."
     "And, Suga?"
     "Hm?"
     "...I'm sorry."
     "Don't be. You've got nothing to apologize for." Click.

:::::::::::::::::::

     "Kageyama!" Suga catches my attention and waves when he finds the waiting room I'm currently in.
I stand to meet him. He runs and throws his arms around me. I stiffen in surprise, but I eventually break down into sobs.
     "Suga-san, I can't do this for much longer," I groan and sniffle. "It's too much, it's too much..."
     Suga rubs my back. "It's okay. Shh, It's okay. You don't have to-"
     "But I do!" I burst out, breaking the embrace. "I do... I can't leave him alone. I don't want to hurt him. I would just be making everything worse."
     "He would understand, Kageyama."
     "He would say he understood. In the past, he would have been fine. But now... His brain's all messed up. He'll lose his mind if I don't take the time to stay with him."
     Suga sighs. "Kegeyama, Hinata's health is very important, but yours is, too. If you don't think you can handle it, we'll find other ways to help Hinata."
I sigh shakily, trying to get myself under control. "Give me a couple more weeks. I think I can do at least that."
"Kageyama, do you want some help maybe finding a therapist? Maybe just to try out?"
"Saki-san suggested that, too. It's just that... I- I don't have money for that... and I doubt my parents would give it."
"Hmm..." Suga thinks. "I suppose a job might be out of the question, given the constant volleyball practice. Why don't you ask your parents, and if that doesn't work, we can check if your insurance covers anything. If not, there is a training clinic I know that offers therapy from training students for much discounted prices that would be affordable. And if even that doesn't work, most support groups are free, and I can find a good one around."
I blink. "How do you know all this?"
Suga shrugs. "I helped Narita-kun find a therapist when he needed one. That's probably because I needed therapy, too, for a few months back when I was a first year. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure more teammates than just the two of us have had therapy at some point, or even still are having it."
"You're so nice, Suga-san."
He beams. "Thank you. There's nothing else I should be, right?"
"No, really. You're, like, the nicest person I've ever met. I don't know of anyone else who would literally drive almost an hour to be with me for a while, or who would drop everything to listen whenever I call."
Suga smiles gently. "Well, everyone should have a person like that. If I call Daichi, he'll always listen, whatever he's doing. He'll come if I need him, whenever that may be. You- You remember when I had that breakdown in the bathroom. He was there with me. Everyone needs a friend like that. I don't know how anyone could survive without one."
"Thank you for being that for me."
Suga's smile softens. "Thank you for being that for Hinata."