Rigid Crow

Do It Again

I come back to the hospital the next morning, on Saturday. Suga stayed with me for a while last night, helping me calm down. By the time I was ready to go back and face Hinata again, visiting hours were over. I felt bad about it, but promised myself I would come back as soon as they would let me see him again, but first, I had other business to attend to. I was going to meet Saki-san in her office this morning and ask her how I could help Hinata through his panic disorder myself.
     "I want to help him through the panic attacks when they come on," I say when I've sat down with her after exchanging formalities. "I don't want the nurses to have to take care of it if it's something I can handle for him."
"Are you sure?" she asks, tapping a pen against her chin.
     "Yes."
     "Ok." Saki-san sets down some paperwork she's been working on and swivels in her chair to deliver all her attention to me. Her expression is serious, but it holds confidence and contentment, as if she knows I'll be able to handle this. "You need to know that every person experiencing panic attacks will go through them differently and have different coping methods. You'll need to learn what helps Hinata-kun. Physical touch helps some people, so try holding his hand if he's okay with that. Talking to him may be beneficial, too. Talk to him soothingly about familiar, comforting things that will calm him. Remind him to breathe, remind him that the attack is temporary, that he's safe, but be mindful of what pain he's experiencing. It feels very real to him, and you need to understand that to help him get through it."
     "I understand. Thank you."
     I make my way to Hinata's room after ending the conversation. I see that he's awake when I enter. I shut the door softly behind me and step inside.
     "Hey, are you okay?"
     A slight nod of his head.
     "Sorry I didn't come back last night. I was a little freaked out, and then visiting hours were over, and... I'm sorry."
     His shoulders lift slightly in a shrug. He seems incredibly reserved, closed off.
     "What's wrong?"
     He shakes his head. Nothing's wrong.
     "You're really bad at lying, you know, even if you haven't said a word."
He bites the inside of his cheek, then finally looks up at me with horror stricken eyes. He was terrified. He stares back at the wall, suddenly looking ashamed. Even though he has no reason to be.
"Hinata, that wasn't something you could control. It happens to a lot of people. Your reaction was nothing the doctors hadn't seen before. I know I got freaked out before, but I'll be there for you the next time. Do you... Do you know what brought it on?"
He hesitates a moment before stuttering out, "Ac-ac-acc-" He stops, the word not coming out, looking very discouraged. "U-Um... Th-Th-There... 'gain."
"You pictured yourself when the accident happened?" I deduce. "Like... a flashback? So, you remember?"
He nods. Then his lips start to tremble. "H-How?"
So much emotion in that one word. How was that moment different? He didn't hit his head hard, certainly not as hard as in other games. How was that injury the one that nearly killed him? "I don't think we'll ever know the answer to that, Hinata."
Neither of us speak after that depressing statement. It seems unfair, but we're never going to know why. We just know what's happened as a result. It's frustrating. It's so frustrating.
Out of the blue, Hinata's breath begins to quicken, and the fear I saw in his eyes last night returns. His spasmodic hands clutch at his chest, and he retains difficulty breathing.
I ease down my own fears and start talking. "I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going to leave you again, I promise."
     He fumbles for my hands and I hold on to his tightly, squeezing them gently. "It's going to be okay. Just breath. Breathe again. You're almost through it. That's it. You're safe."
     He whimpers, his shoulders tensing.
     "Remember how it felt each time we completed a new quick? Remember how that felt in your hand? There's so much good you love in volleyball. Don't forget that."
     His short breaths still come in panicked gasps, and he exhales in wheezes. I urge him to take another deep breath.
     "We're going to do it again, you know. It's going to be great. I'll throw you a toss. We're going to shock everyone. Everyone will be staring at you, wondering how they got so lucky to compete against such an amazing player."
     He trembles, and a sob tears from his throat as his tears fall. He bows his head and continues to shake, his expression a mix of pain and terror.
     "Take another breath. Good. Good job, Hinata. You're doing great. It's almost passed."
We have another few minutes of this type of exchange until he finally begins to wind down, his breathing coming easier to him. As soon as I think he can handle it, I decide to hug him.
He tenses at first, but then his own arms move against my back to embrace me in return. I blink back the tears in my eyes. I needed this for so long. I needed the proof to feel him still here, to know he was still alive. And he is. He is.
He shakes and cries a little more, but I can tell that the attack has passed. He's frightened in the aftermath, which I can understand.
     "You did it," I comfort him. "Good job. It's over." We pull out of the embrace. "I meant what I said. I will throw you a toss again. As many as you want. That's a promise. I don't know when or- or even if you'll be able to play volleyball the way you used to again, but... You're so brave. You'll be able to do it. I know you will."
     Hinata nods, and I know I've said the right thing. I've told him the truth.
     The truth is what he needs to hear.