Dear Janet, You're Ugly

Dealing With Guilt

Janet's POV

Amy barged inside all furious her dark hair swinging back and forth. She paced back and forth in front of me as I took a seat on the couch. "Why are you here Amy"? I cut right to the chase, as I had suspicions this was about Erin.

"What the hell did you do to Erin? He's been so depressed all he does is work out and lock himself in his room"! She looked at me with accusing eyes as if I was the one responsible.

"Beats me" I simply shrugged and leaned back into the couch. I didn't have to divulge every bit of information. It was between me and Erin at the end of the day.

"Bullshit Jane! You always do this, as soon as someone gets close you kick them to the curb! You push people away before they even think about getting to know the real you"!

My jaw slightly trembled as I held back tears. I would not let her see she had got the best of me. "And so what if I do. Get out I don't want to speak to you or your brother"! I growled as I got up to open the door.

She stomped her way out but not before getting the last word.

"One day Janet, when your all alone. You'll realize that you're the problem because you ruin every good thing".

I hadn't realized her last words would haunt me. I laid awake that night tossing and turning, I waited for sleep to take over but it was hopeless. Part of me didn't want to admit that she had been right.

I knew that I was someone that pushed people away. I only did it to protect myself. What was the harm in that? I think it's safe to say that we humans can be cruel. Sometimes we don't always realize just how cruel we can be until we've pushed someone off the edge.

A slight breeze passed through my window. I curled closer into my blanket and closed my eyes. Just as I was on the brink of succumbing to the darkness I felt myself jolt awake. It was as if I had been falling off a cliff as I plunged to my death.

It was the most horrible night I had to endure. The second time I fell asleep I jolted awake once again only this time the world seemed to be spinning as my body trembled with fear. It had been a while since I had sleeping issues.

They always seemed to come and go. I was at war with myself as my body reacted in whatever way it wanted. Each time I closed my eyes all I could see was the hurt on Erin's face as I pushed him away once again. As if that wasn't enough, Amy's look of disappointment would occupy my mind.

I shouldn't have let them get close to me. I was the one to blame and I felt stupid that I could ever have "friends". I was incapable of it and it didnt seem to matter how hard I tried. Deep down I was an awful person and that was just something I had to live with.

That night I stayed up until 5 in the morning.

I got up the next day with dark circles around my eyes and knotted hair. I looked like a zombie as I moved sluggishly to start getting ready for work. When I arrived at the cafe a small part of me hoped Erin would be there.

" He quit, I don't know why he was such a great kid," Ms. Freckle said that afternoon as we made fresh dough. But this was bound to happen, only this time he left me alone because I pushed him.

The rest of the evening passed by and I spent the rest of the weekend watching Netflix. I hadn't heard from either of the siblings and I wasn't as if I was checking my phone constantly.

Okay maybe I was

But it made me feel less guilty. If they could ignore me I could do the same. I wasn't one to have any social media accounts. Mostly because of the amount of bullying I received when I first used Instagram. But I had finally decided to use a different name.

All that I posted were quotes and pictures of California. I wasn't that active but now and then I would check out what was going on. So as I scrolled down catching pictures from students from my high school.

I wasn't shocked at the amount of partying they were doing on the weekends. Plastic red cups in their hands or one of the football players chugging a bottle of alcohol while everyone cheered. I didnt find it the slightest bit exciting it almost made me sick to my stomach.

And if that hadn't been the highlight of my night the next picture sure was. It caused my heart to feel as if it was being squeezed painfully. It caught me off guard as I stared at a picture of Erin and Millie Anderson lip-locked together.

He held her so tight in his arms. It looked as if she were attacking his face. From a far, they looked like the perfect couple with her short red dress and huge curly afro.

The next thing I knew I was throwing the phone across my bed. Trying desperately to rid the image that plagued my mind.