Burning Heart

Thoughts

Isn't it lovely, all alone?

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone...

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone.

Hello, welcome home.

***

Why were the days so cold like this? Seokjin couldn't understand. No matter where he went, he couldn't find any kind of warmth in his heart, he was nothing like he used to be before. He didn't know himself or what he wanted anymore.

Here near Jungkook, looking at a face that also didn't die despite being between the flames with him, Seokjin thought he could find some kind of comfort. Jungkook would at least understand him a little even if he didn't lose anyone and knew who he was but still, he would only understand his fear from that time, only the pain of the burns that will become a scar which will stay with for life. He would not understand the loss and no Seokjin didn't want him to feel any kind of grief or loneliness like he was, he didn't want him to feel like he didn't belong anywhere anymore but still, Seokjin wished to find someone who could understand him if he finds the courage to speak, someone to feel his pain and find him a way to cope with the pain in his heart because right now, his chest felt so very tight that it became painful.

A thorn of uncertainty and fear was sinking in his heart but weirdly enough, these feelings didn't come with any kind of tears or trembling. It was just a painful feeling that was choking him up and eating away at his thoughts as he watched Jungkook's chest rise and fall slowly, his eyes never leaving the boy since he first entered the room and asked the manager inside to leave them alone.

A shuddered breath left Seokjin as he let out a rather tired sigh, finally taking his eyes off Jungkook for them to follow the letters on the papers in his hand.

"Kim Nam-jung" Seokjin muttered out the name on the paper. It was the name of his father or at least the man who raised him. Why did he want to read this again? Was there even any benefit in reading this now? Seokjin didn't know but he found himself reading his father's will. He read it from the beginning to the end and remembered how he had actually wanted to find out if he had a right in taking over the company or not like his uncle was saying he didn't.

Seokjin guessed His uncle didn't read Nam-jung's will. It clearly said that either one of his son's should be the next person in charge and their names were stated clearly, as if telling Seokjin to not hesitate and take his place if he wanted but looking at the papers in his hand again, Seokjin didn't think he even deserved to lead or take Nam-jung's place. Was there any meaning in taking over if he wasn't even really part of this kim family?

Seokjin looked up from the papers in his hands, his eyes moving from one spot in the room to the other, a lost look taking over his face as he thought about why the people who raised him didn't tell him of the truth before, why they gave him everything even in their death and why they didn't take him with them. He hated them for being the way they were. He hated them for lying to him and his brother. He believed them all his life but turns out their bond was based on some lies too. It disappointed him.

Finally, Seokjin's eyes settled back on the papers on his hands. Shaking his head and letting out another sigh, Seokjin placed his father's will behind the death record papers of his family, distracting himself from the previous thoughts with something not so far from the same topic.

Tiredly, Seokjin started to read what was written, also not quite sure why he even felt the need to read this. Something still didn't feel right whenever he was with his mother, he'd look at her, feeling happy to be with her but not quite sure if his happiness was real.

He had accepted the truth of her death and everyone else but he had also somehow accepted that his mother was still there for him because he didn't feel like he had lost her when she was with him, creating mixed feelings and confusion. His own mind was playing games with him but he didn't know how to deal with it or what to do. His mother felt warm between his hands but everything else said she was dead.