Burning Heart

Funeral

"How are you feeling hyung?" Hoseok had asked after a rather harsh coughing fit had left his oldest brother.

"I'm fine"

Hearing him say he was fine didn't sit right with anyone. He'd say he was feeling fine whenever he was asked that question. It was a lie but with the way Seokjin whispers the words, it never felt like he was trying to lie to them or to reassure them but instead it felt like he was saying the words for himself.

It was a lie that Seokjin could not hide even from himself. He didn't look fine when the coughs came back nor did he look fine with the empty eyes that filled with more pain the more days that slowly continued to pass.

"We'll have the funeral on Friday." Was what his aunt said on the last day of Seokjin's stay at the hospital. She made sure to confirm that he was attending even if just for a few minutes, telling him of where it is and on what time. Speaking and speaking with her own bags under her eyes from sleepless nights.

Upon being discharged at night, Seokjin felt his heart lean towards going back to his parents' home more than the dorm where his friends are but he said nothing of it and sat silently in the car with his manager and Namjoon, looking out of the window with a million thoughts running around in his mind about what the next day would bring for him.

When they finally arrived, Seokjin did not look anywhere but in front of him until he was right behind the door of his own room. The Mario, RJ and MapleStory plushies staring at him as if he didn't belong in such a bright room anymore.

Seokjin sighed and walked towards his bed, sitting on it right when the thought of taking a shower reached his mind as it always did when he'd return to his room at night after a long day but Seokjin felt too tired for that. The soft bed under him and the pillow looking so inviting after sleepless nights on the hospital bed with all the eyes on him all the time.

Before he knew it, his body was giving out to the sleep he needed so much, laying there in an uncomfortable position and the clothes he wore outside but the sleep which he fell into had him sleeping like a baby. However, the bless of sleep didn't last for long. He was awake again way earlier than his body desired.

From 2:35 to a little before 4 in the morning, all Seokjin did was cover half of his body with the blanket and stare at the ceiling as though it was an interesting object. His mind was fully empty of any thoughts, just staring and staring until his eyes started to hurt from the light in the room, making him blink his eyes and mind out of the zoned out state he was in, drawing his attention back to where he was going to be in a few hours.

Maybe it was the silence or the change of environment but Seokjin suddenly found himself in hesitation of going to confirm his parents' death with his eyes. He'd think about it a lot during his hospital stay but not once did he think of what to do if they were really dead. He never stopped to think of all the clues of death that he ignored intentionally but now that he was really thinking about it all. He couldn't help but feel even more scared than before. He had told himself that it was a nightmare but what kind of nightmare does one not wake up from? Seokjin didn't want to go in the direction of *What if* or *I might be wrong* but he found his thoughts right there.

For over a week Seokjin was able to hold the thought that his family aren't really dead or could not be dead simply because it was unbelievable but what if they are dead? Then what?

Seokjin felt his heart ache at the thought.

___

Time went slow but eventually, Seokjin was standing in front of Asan hospital's funeral home. He didn't dress up in black like everyone else did but chose to wear a normal white hoodie and normal black pants as if he was just going out on a walk. No one spoke to him about it at first but Sejin who drove them there did, asking Seokjin if he was sure of his choice in clothing but all he received was silence.