more than i can hold in my heart.

since you've been gone

a/n: pls dont hate me

CONTENT WARNING: death

×+×+×+×

When her phone rang, her whole world collapsed.

She stopped breathing, she stopped moving. She just stopped.

Her surroundings felt like molasses. Everything was slowing down, and the sound wasn't travelling fast enough. Her eyes became blurry with tears, and she could barely hear her son asking her what was wrong.

They rushed to the hospital, after Tuck to the phone from her.

Miranda Bailey didn't talk. For once, in her life, she wasn't screaming, she wasn't crying, she wasn't handing someone's ass to them. She was empty.

When they arrived at Grey-Sloan, everyone was giving her sad eyes.

She ignored them. She walked, but she didn't really know where she was going. Her son led her, and she looked at him with void eyes.

"Mom." He spoke gently, once they arrived outside the room.

Miranda looked at him. She kept quiet. She knew, if she opened her mouth, she would cry, and scream, and she didn't want to do that.

"Mom, please." He was getting teary-eyed. She averted her gaze. "Please, talk to me. Before we go in, I have to know you're okay."

She shook her head. She didn't realize she was crying until the first batch of tears fell down her cheeks. She let out a sob.

"I'm… f-fine, b-b-baby." She stuttered through her tears. "I wanna… s-see hi… him."

Tuck was crying too. "Okay. I'll, uh, leave you a-alone with Dad, okay?"

She nodded. But before he walked away, she cupped his cheeks. "He loved you, okay? He loved you so much."

"I know." He squeezed her hands and let it go as he walked away.

Once he was out of sight, Miranda faced the door of the room, and took a deep breath. She wiped up her tears and cleared her throat. She was not gonna scream, she was not going to make a scene. She was going to stay calm. She put her quivering chin up, and straightened her back.

She opened the door, and there he was.

She picked up the chart, and skimmed through it, stopping at the name, and what it meant to her.

Benjamin Warren.

Miranda sobbed, and now, it was all too real. Pain infiltrated her sides, and her breathing quickened. Oh God, she was hyperventilating.

Her gaze flashed from point to point, until it settled on Ben, who was at the hospital bed, different tubes attached to his body. Crying, she reached out to him. "B-ben."

She lowered herself on the chair and grabbed his hand, that wasn't covered in IV, tightly. She grasped it. She wanted to squeeze it and hit him and punch him, anything, just to get him back.

Brain dead, they said. And it was bringing him back to Derek's death, and their argument, and how it all seemed so pointless now.

But she was right, she loved him like he was a piece of her. And she was missing a piece.

Miranda Bailey is broken, and it was all Benjamin Warren's fault.

His fault, that he had to go inside the burning building to try and get the stubborn woman's life savings. His damn fault that he had to be the brave one, he had to be the hero.