Without You || todobaku

4

Bakugou's POV ⚠️TW⚠️

I tried hitting things. I tried exploding things. Nothing was fixing my own emotional outburst. I sat on my ass on the concrete and put my head in my hands.
Nothing was taking away the dark cloud that was hanging over my head. No matter what I do I am always left feeling like complete shit. I can't take it anymore.
I made my way to the roof again while everyone else was gathering in the lunchroom. No Todoroki in sight. I felt safe again to be depressed without having to fake anything. 
I scratched my head and laid on my back, just staring at the sky. Then everything I felt traveled up my throat and into my head. My eyes were burning up. I cried again. I felt so pathetic. Seeing me on the ground helpless and crying would be a field day topic for anyone in the academy. Being alone was the only way I could let it out. Any other time I choked it back the best I could. 
I'd been carrying around this pocket knife in my pocket for the longest time. Wondering what the hell I would use it for. My hand wrapped itself around the handle and pulled it out of my pocket. I opened the blade and stared at it through the mess of my vision that was mixed with the sunlight and my stupid tears.
After a moment of just staring at it I brought it to my neck and gently traced a line from just under my chin to the middle of my chest. It seemed so simple, but I was still scared. I was afraid of what would happen if I really did gut myself like a fucking fish. I wanted badly to stop feeling this way and at this point I felt the only way to get rid of my pain was to stop everything myself. I just couldn't. 
I sighed and lowered the blade. I sat up and looked down at my hands. At this point I felt my body move on it's own. My hand that gripped the knife brought the blade to my wrist. I'd heard of people doing shit like this before and I was curious as to why they thought it helped or whatever. Without another moment to think, my hand whipped the blade across my skin. Instantly the blood filled out the line and pooled up in beads on the surface. They slowly filled more and began to drip down the side of my arm. 
I couldn't believe I actually did it. I didn't necessarily feel better, but I kept going. What was wrong with me? What am I even doing? When I stopped I'd cut myself six times. I just stared. I stared at the mess I made. Now I'd never be able to show my arms. Luckily my gear covered my wrists perfectly, and the academy uniform had longer sleeves as well.
I closed the knife and shoved it back into my pocket. Fuck. I had nothing to clean this shit with. I lazily pushed my sleeve down and hoped my dark blazer would soak the blood up without notice. 
When I returned to class I was informed we were training yet again. Fuck. 
I wasn't anywhere near strong enough to do anything today. When was the last time I'd eaten? I had an apple yesterday morning, some water. That was it. My stomach immediately tightened as I thought about food. This was a mistake. 
I felt a pair of eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. I knew who it was but I refused to look at him. Not only did he piss me the fuck off, he also was way too interested in my fucking business. 
"Alright, if you all are ready let's go. Your training uniforms should all be in your lockers down by the yard."

TODOROKI'S POV

Bakugou skipped lunch again. I had a feeling I knew where he had gone but I decided to leave him alone. If I wanted him to stop screaming at me and keeping me away from him I had to take it slow. When I saw him in class again I could tell there was something wrong. Like when we were told to prepare for training, he didn't raise his head and push back his shoulders with his obnoxious confidence. Instead, his shoulders sunk and his knee started bouncing nervously.
Who was this kid and where was the Katsuki Bakugou everyone knew and despised? I felt bad thinking that, because honestly, I don't think he wants people to hate him. He just wanted to feel big. Physically speaking, I had about 4 inches on him so to me he would always be small.
When the whole class made their way down the halls to our training lockers Bakugou was behind everyone. I tried slowing my pace to casually fall behind to be near him, but Sero and Kaminari both walked directly behind me at a painfully slow speed. It was impossible to get to him. I probably looked crazy when I kept looking back to check for him, but no one noticed.
"I've been working on a new concept for my outfit but I haven't quite gotten it down yet," Midoriya rambles, "I'm thinking maybe something more mighty-looking. Maybe something that screams power? Maybe I'll do purple. They say it's a royal color skiskeodicojr-" His words just started to blend together in my ears. 
Soon enough we were all prepared. We left the room. I was last to go. That's funny, I didn't see Bakugou leave…
I decided to wait, casually stepping back and behind the wall. The room fell very silent. I couldn't hear anything. I made my way around the first wall of lockers, nothing. The next one, nothing. I checked the last row and saw him. My throat closed up for a moment, preventing me from breathing.
He was sitting there using a wet rag to scrub at his sleeves of his UA uniform. From where I was I could see deep crimson speckled on his wrist. He had dried blood from his palm to his elbow. I didn't really understand until he moved a little, then I saw.
He had multiple wounds on his arm. They looked very recent. Did he fight someone? Fall? I didn't understand. In the midst of me staring, my zipper clanked against the metal of the locker making a noise loud enough to hear.
He looked at me and immediately made that pissed look he's just so good at.
"How long have you been fucking standing there," His words dripped with venom that could kill.
I decided to step towards him, "I was just looking for you, I-" I didn't know what to say. Getting closer to him made seeing things easier and it didn't sit well in my stomach. He leaned backwards when I got closer.
"Don't you dare fucking come closer, bastard," He growled, hiding the rag and his sleeve behind him.
"Can I please just say something to you and you actually listen to me?" I tried.
He stared underneath his angry eyebrows.
I sighed, "I meant what I said earlier, Bakugou, I just want to help. I get that it isn't easy to trust me, and I can also say that I am sorry. I am sorry I humiliated you at the festival. It was selfish of me, I was caught up in my own turmoil and I didn't know it would affect you."
He was actually listening, or, at least I hoped he was.
"Bakugou I am a very observant person, I see everything. I can see that you're not being as aggressive as you usually are. I can see the drive you have isn't there anymore. I can see you getting thinner. Your eyes, they… they don't burn as red anymore. You don't have to be alone if you just let me help you."
He looked more upset now than angry. His teeth pressed together and the corners of his lips lowering. He was struggling not to cry. I tried stepping closer and he didn't move, so I came close enough to sit next to him.
My eyes lowered to his arm, which he moved so I couldn't see it.
"What happened?" I asked.
He turned his face away from me.
"Just let it out Bakugou, I can see it's killing you."
He was shaking.
"Please just trust me."
I reached over and put my hand on his thigh.
"Y-you better not be f-fucking with me or I swear to god I will kill you," He said in a very low tone.
"I, Shotou Todoroki, am telling you. Please just let me in."
With that he buckled over and let out everything that he had tried so hard to keep inside. It made me sick to hear him cry like that. His eyes squeezed shut and his hands balled into fists. He leaned so far over that he slipped off the bench. I tried catching him but he turned so he had his back against the lockers and his head in his hands. He sobbed uncontrollably for as long as I could bear to watch before I slid down next to him and let my instincts guide me. I brought an arm around his shoulder and another across his chest. I pulled him into my chest and held him tight.
"It's gonna be okay, shhh, just breathe," I ran a hand over his forehead to move some of his hair that clung to his skin with sweat. He was trembling so hard I felt my bones tremble as well. I'd never seen him like this before. Everything I knew about him was thrown out the window as I sat there trying my best to console him.
His sobbing didn't let up. I guess he really needed whatever this was. I tried again to bring him back down to Earth.
"Listen to me, please, just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on, just try."
He tried to breath through his nose but couldn't. His snot had completely filled his entire airway. When he tried to breathe out his consistent gasps and sniffles just wouldn't let up.
I closed my eyes and tried to think of what would've helped me in the situation. I could remember a lullaby that my mother would sing to me when I woke up some nights with horrible dreams. At first I couldn't remember the words, so I quietly hummed. His violent trembling made me hold him tighter. He was trying to calm down. The longer I hummed the less he sobbed out loud, it was more silent now and just a lot of quick gasps. When I could finally remember the words I sang in a quiet voice to him. I couldn't sing at all, but I did it without self awareness because all of my focus was on this boy who was trying his hardest to stay in one piece and relax in my arms.
As I continued, he eventually calmed down enough for me to stop and look down at his bloodshot eyes. Without question I pulled my sleeve over my thumb and wiped his face free of tears, sweat, and snot. 
"Can I please ask you something, Bakugou?" I spoke softly.
He nodded slightly and lowered his gaze to stare at nothing.
"Did you do that to yourself?" I asked, regarding his wrist.
I felt his head nod against my chest. My whole world was destroyed. He was far more broken than I thought. It hurt me in places I didn't think I had. I closed my eyes again and held on tight to him. I didn't think I could care so much after just a half an hour of trying to confront someone. What made sense to me was that with everything I now knew I was never going to let him go. He needed help and he needed someone to listen. 
"I'm really sorry I couldn't have been around sooner but," I tried to joke lightly, "You're just so stubborn."
I heard him force a quiet short chuckle, which was enough for me. He inhaled deeply to try to loosen his congestion and let out a wavering sigh. I rubbed his shoulder and leaned back a bit so we could both look at each other.
"I…" He finally spoke, "I needed this… s-so… thank you."
I looked deep into his eyes and nodded a little, "Anything."