Without You || todobaku

18

KATSUKI'S POV

The moment Deku and I returned to his apartment I turned and grabbed the collar of his shirt and slammed his small body against the door. He yelped and brought a hand to the back of his head. I was pissed. When I noticed Deku wasn't with me before we left Shoto's home I went to look for him and ended up overhearing his little chat with Shoto. I was prepared to ream his ass.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I growled through my teeth, feeling my pulse begin to quicken and my skin heat up.
"I-I, K-Kacchan I-"
"I heard everything you said to Shoto, EVERYTHING. Who the fuck do you think you are!?" I yelled.
He melted against the door in my grip and gave me a very frightened look, "I-I swear I wasn't t-trying anything I-I didn't mean to-"
"You know what your problem is, Deku?" I snarled, gripping his arm in my other hand, "You make people believe you're this hopeless little wimp so when the time is juuuust right you can swoop in and try to be this fucking wonder child, hoping everyone will like you. You think you don't have to abide by ANYTHING or even WORK for what you want!" 
He started to cry as I yelled in his face. All of my bottled up anger was finally being released and I couldn't even control it anymore.
"You're WORTHLESS, PATHETIC, and a fucking WASTE OF SPACE," I screamed, close to his face so he could feel my rage, "Don't you DARE try to take away from my happiness because you aren't getting enough attention!"
He sobbed and tried to fall out of my grip but I kept him upright, "K-Kacchan please I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right, you're right! Please stop!"
I glared at him and slammed his back against the door again, letting him fall to the floor this time. He pushed himself onto his knees with his hands and looked up at me. His face wet with tears and his cheeks red. I knelt down and grabbed a fist full of his hair, causing him to cry out in pain. My heart was beating so hard it felt my chest was going to rip apart. My hands were shaking as I moved.
"Stay away from me. Stay away from Shoto. Just stay away from everything in my life. As soon as I can I'm getting the fuck out of here. I never wanted to be here. You're a disease."
I let go and turned away from him. I walked towards the couch and cracked my knuckles. He was still trying to stifle his sobbing behind me. He quickly got up on his feet and fled the room. I let out a long exhale and leaned over my lap with my head in my hands. My head was throbbing in pain, my hands were still shaking, and my throat felt like it was closing up on itself. My vision became blurred. Before I knew it I had passed out. My mind completely blank, my body on its side.

I didn't know how long I was out for. The apartment was relatively quiet. There were a few lights on and the very faint sound of voice towards the back. I noticed two different pairs of shoes at the front door that weren't usually there. I rolled over and put my feet to the floor, hoisting myself up to walk. My head felt burnt out and fuzzy still but I managed to navigate through the hall.
I stopped next to Deku's door and leaned in to listen to what was on the other side.

"... … something you don't understand but we're always here for you and if you need anything you can call us."

"Yeah, always call us, we've got your back Midoriya."

"... I appreciate it, really. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't call you."

"We're glad you did, and don't worry about Bakugo. I'm gonna go talk to him."

"...okay."

I turned and quickly returned to the couch. I slid myself onto the mattress and pretended I had never awoke. I heard the door open and then close. Footsteps neared the couch where I was. Then I felt the pressure of someone sit next to me.
"Hey, dick, wake up," A rough voice spoke, then a rough nudge on my shoulder.
"The fuck?" I snapped, sitting up straight.
Kirishima sat there with a really disappointed expression on his face. I glared and crossed my arms.
"You really need to cool it with bullying Midoriya, Bakugo," He said. I had never really seen him so serious before.
I kept my guard up, "Why should I?"
He sighed and changed his expression, "One day you're going to go too far and you'll be to blame… I don't want you to have that guilt, man. Can't you just cut it out? I saw what you've done to yourself, you think you're the only one who does that?"
I shut my mouth.
"Midoriya does it too, probably a little too much. He's covered with them. You triggered him and he did it again, bad. Why do you have to pick on him so much? He's never mean to you... so, why do you do it to him?"
I couldn't say a thing. I felt extremely embarrassed and a little guilty. Dare I say it.
Kirishima tried to make eye contact with me, but I kept looking away, "Bakugo, I know you have a lot going on up in that thick head of yours. Can't you at least try to see what's going on around you too? You can really hurt people."
The horrible feeling of anxiety and the pain that followed began to creep up my spine and hurt my chest. 
"Midoriya called Kaminari and I a fucking weeping mess, said he was gonna do something stupid if he didn't have someone to talk him down. He was really shook up by what you said."
My body began to shake violently, I couldn't control it. My heart raced so fast that my breathing became labored. Kirishima grabbed my hand.
"Bakugo, hey, I just wanted to explain the situation here. Everything's gonna be fine," He said. 
I could hear his words but they weren't sticking. I was in an incredible amount of panic. I couldn't figure out why or what was making it happen but it hurt. It hurt so bad. My chest felt like broken glass. 
"Hey hey relax, relax," Kirishima grabbed my other hand and tried to get me to meet his gaze again, "Did I say too much too fast? What are you thinking?"
My lips parted as I tried to breath properly but it wasn't working. I finally made eye contact with him but I was scared. My body felt like it was ripping apart. I felt the pressure rise through my throat and crush my head. 
I went too far.
I went too far.
I went too far.
Everything I had said to Deku was a lie.
It was all me.
It was me.
I'm worthless.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a waste of space.
Everyone knows me as cold and rude.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Kirishima wrapped his arms around my torso and pulled me out the front door. We struggled down the hall and out the building's front doors. My bare feet skid across the pavement as he dragged me to the side yard. We collapsed on the grass. Kirishima put a hand on my forehead and on my chest.
"Look at me Bakugo, just look at me," He had my head on his lap. I stared at his forehead, trying to stay above water. My mind was drowning in so much doubt and guilt and pain. 
Deku wants to die because of me. I never once treated him like a human being. I went out of my way to isolate him and put him down. For what? To make myself feel less awful. If I convinced myself there was someone in the world that was worse than me I could keep going. That wasn't true at all. There is nothing wrong with Deku. 
What he said to Shoto was right. I'm not kind. I don't deserve to have someone so wonderful like him. They all have their own real problems and I'm here with the thoughts in my head alone. I can't just be comfortable with anything. I have no real problems. I have no reason to be so depressed. 
I felt my body break. I couldn't breathe.
Kirishima was trying his best to comfort me but I couldn't hear him anymore. I quietly let tears slip from the corners of my eyes, just staring at the sky.
I've never felt anything like this. The crying was helping my body release the tension that made my muscles ache. I felt my eyes shut as they began to dry out.
I don't know how much time passed before I had exhausted my head. I could hear Kirishima again.
"I just want both of you to be okay," he whispered, "I want you to get along at least a little bit so neither of you have to do this to yourselves."
My eyes were still closed but I was listening. My nose was completely stuffed up, I could only breathe through my mouth. My tongue and lips were dry and tasted bad.
"Bakugo you're my best friend, I wish you would talk to me more. I want to be there for you but I don't know how when you don't tell me what's going on."
I could finally force words out of my mouth, "M sorry."
He gave a little thin smile and nodded, "If you're up for it, can we go back upstairs and talk to Midoriya?"
I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my palms, "Okay."
He stood up and offered a hand, I took it and walked with him into the building. I didn't notice that he didn't let go as we walked.
When we got to Midoriya's door I felt uneasy again. Kirishima gave me a reassuring squeeze and opened it up. I kept my eyes to the floor as we entered. 
"Hey, Midoriya," Kirishima spoke, leading us inside.
I saw Deku move closer to Kaminari when we got near.
Kirishima nudged me with his shoulder and I raised my head to look at him. He sat there in one of Kirishima's huge red hoodies with his legs folded underneath him. He looked like shit too.
I stared at him, not knowing what to say really. It was embarrassing and tense in there with the other two watching us. Before I had to suffer any longer I took in a breath and spoke.
"Sorry, Midoriya," I said.
He blinked a bit and squeezed the ends of his hoodie sleeves in his fists, "I-It's fine, don't worry about it."
I clenched my jaw and sighed, "No, I really can't stay here anymore, I'm sorry I just can't."
Without wasting another moment I turned and left the room. I searched the couch for my phone and dialed up my mom.
After waiting a bit, she answered.

"Katsuki Bakugo if you got in another fight-"

"No, stop, it's not that. Listen, when are you gonna come back?"

"Soon, we hope, your father is working things out with the board now. We hope to be home in about another week. Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't want to be here anymore, Ma. I can't stand Dek- I mean Izuku. I don't want to be rude to his mom either."

"Well, I don't feel comfortable with you being home alone."

"I'll stay with another friend, please? Just let me get out of here. I'll tell you who it is and give you their folks' cell number too."

"No games?"

"Swear on my life."

"Fine, are you leaving tonight?"

"Yeah I plan on it. I'll send you a message."

"Okay. When are you gonna go back to school?"

"Not for another 12 days."

"I want you to be on your best behavior from now on, you hear me? Katsuki? I mean it."

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you."

"Alright, talk to you later."

I hung up. Kirishima and Kaminari walked out from the hall towards the front door. I stood up.
"Wait, Kirishima, can I ask you something?" I said.
"Go for it," He replied, slipping his feet into his shoes.
"Can I stay at your place for a few days?" I asked.
He winced, "Ah, gotta ask my parents. I don't know if they'd agree to it though."
"Please? Make it work, I can't stay here you know that."
He nodded, "Okay, fine, give me a second."
He stepped out the front door to call his parents. Kaminari stood there with me in silence for a moment.
"Dude… what's the deal?" He said.
I glared, "What?"
"Can't you just be nice and happy for once?"
I wanted to snap but for some reason it didn't come out that way. In a low but calm tone I replied.
"I try."
He just stared at me, "I don't think you do, you're always fired up."
I shrugged, "Nothing works."
He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the click of the door knob. Kirishima stuck his head in.
"They said it's cool, I guess I'm good with my words. Let's go, if you're ready."
I turned from Kaminari and turned to grab my things. When I was sure I had everything I followed them out the door.
We walked down the street and just a few blocks over before Kaminari said goodbye to Kirishima -ignoring me- and turned on his street.
"He needs to watch it with the attitude," I mumbled.
"Hey," Kirishima lightly punched my side, "It's not him, it's you. I still have so much to ask you."
"Like what?" I muttered, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Are you having panic attacks like that often?" He said, looking at me with a concerned expression.
"I guess, if that's what they are," I replied.
"And you haven't told anyone or talked about them?"
"No, I guess I haven't."
"When you have them is that when you do that?" He pointed to my arm.
"What does it matter? So I get a little flustered, whatever. If it helps it helps."
"No no no that isn't right though, Bakugo. That's not how it works. You can't do that to yourself, it isn't healthy. It scares me, what if you go too far? What then? What am I supposed to do if you die?"
"Why do you care?"
He stopped and scoffed, "Really? Why do I care? Are you that ignorant?" He sighed and crossed his arms, "You are my best friend. I cannot describe how much I care about you. If you died I'd probably stop breathing. I can't go through something like that. Don't make me go through something like that... I am always here for you. Always. Whether you like it or not."
I listened quietly, lowering my gaze to the ground. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me.
"Bakugo I just want to help you. That's all I want. I want you to be the Bakugo I met when we all first started at UA."
I kept my hands in my pockets as he hugged me.
"Are you listening to me?"
I sighed quietly, "Yeah… yeah I'm listening."
He rubbed my back and then let go. I looked at him and he looked at me. He reached a hand out to mine and I let him take it. We turned and walked to his house in silence.