Without You || todobaku

17

KATSUKI'S POV (slight ⚠️)

It's been two days now. The disconnect I felt from everything was ever so prominent in my head. When Deku and his mom left in the morning my body was swallowed in the silence. I've called and messaged Shoto so many times since the last time we saw each other and he hasn't even opened them. My anxious thoughts kept breaking down my mind and making me panic. I was probably on my 4th panic attack since yesterday.
I tried to keep my breathing slow as I rocked back and forth on the floor of the living room. My heart beat hurt and my entire torso was tense. I felt so sick. 
I wanted to talk to Shoto. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know if he was safe, if he still needed me, or if he still wanted me. I attract problems, I cause mayhem, and I don't know what's testing the limit. Ever. 
It was only getting close to the middle of the day and I desperately needed something to get rid of the suffocating emotions I felt. 
Like I remembered, I felt my body automatically move itself to enter the bathroom. There I dipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my tiny pocket knife. It started slow, the first cut I made woke me up out of my automatic mindset. When I saw myself begin to bleed I wondered if it was worth it.
Well, I've already started. 
I continued to cut until I didn't feel like going anymore. I washed off the blade and dipped my wrist under the running water, watching the pooled up beads of blood wash away. I searched the cabinets for some kind of covering and pulled out a roll of bandages. I made quick work of my wounds and left the bathroom. To cover up my arm I pulled Shoto's hoodie out of my bag and put it on. It was starting to smell less like him the more I wore it.

When Deku arrived home he gave me another small stack of papers held together with a paperclip, "Some stuff we did in class, we mostly trained and did some drills."
I nodded and took it from him. When he didn't walk away I glared up at him, "What?"
Deku looked a little upset, "You got suspended at the same time Todoroki did."
"Tch, and?" I lowered my eyebrows.
"What happened… between you guys? Did you fight?" He asked, messing with a frayed string on the seam of his pants pocket.
No way in hell would I out myself to Deku, "Yeah, we did."
"Oh, okay," He looked like he was going to say more, but then didn't.
I turned away from him and tried to send him a hint to leave by aimlessly scrolling through my phone. He took the hint and walked away to his room.
I really wanted to leave. I hate being here, I hate how easy it is to have Deku try to spark up conversation just because I was sleeping on his couch. I hated not being able to talk to Shoto. I hated not knowing what he was doing or if his father was being a dick. I was completely disconnected from everything.
Deku's footsteps returned and he was in a different outfit, he shuffled through his bag and pulled out another stack of papers similar to the ones he brought me. I watched him walk towards the door and slide his feet into his bright red sneakers.
I spoke without thinking, "Where you going?"
He tensed a bit and looked at me from behind his shoulder, "Gotta drop off these at Todoroki's house," He replied.
My heart clenched and I stood up, "I'm going."
He looked a little surprised, "Um, okay… but, I thought you-"
"There's nothing to do, I want a walk. Maybe apologize to him for the fight," I said, trying my best to keep up the front.
"Alright, well it isn't far from here," He opened the door and we both walked out.
The walk wasn't horrible, and Deku was quiet. If I didn't look at him it was like I was walking alone. A few blocks away from Deku's building we entered a neighborhood of houses. Some looked the same, some looked run down, and some were fairly nice. I recognized Shoto's house by the looks of the windows and front door. Very traditional Japanese-style hardware and framing. We stepped up to the door and Deku knocked a little too quietly.
I held my breath when I saw a shadow through the glass. The door opened and who was standing there I didn't expect to see. 
A girl with glasses low on her nose and white hair with red speckled here and there looked at us. She smiled a bit at Deku and waved her hand for us to come in. 
"Hi, Todoroki-"
"Oh Midoriya, call me Fuyumi it's weird when you call me that when Shoto's around anyway," She said in a nice voice.
"Sorry, Fuyumi, um…" He scratched the back of his head and raised the papers in his hand, "Got more work for him here."
She smiled again, "Come on, he's in his room- Oh! Whoops!" She turned to me, "I'm Fuyumi, Shoto's sister. I don't think I've ever met you?"
She looked at me and I saw a lot of Shoto in her face, I swallowed a lump in my throat and spoke, "I'm Katsuki Bakugo."
"Oh, yeah! Shoto's told me a lot about you."
I was a bit taken aback by that and Deku looked equally confused. We followed her down a long hallway and stopped at a door on the left. She knocked lightly and then opened the door. I could smell Shoto's scent as soon as the door opened and I felt a wave of calm run over me. I was still very anxious to see him, my heart beat harder when we started to walk in.
Then I saw him, sat criss-cross on his bed with a book in front of him. He looked up at us and when he noticed me I knew he felt exactly what I was feeling.
"Midoriya brought you some more schoolwork, and Bakugo is here too!" She said brushing her fingers along the top of his dresser.
He closed his book and moved towards the edge of his bed. His feet his the floor and he threw himself towards me, completely ignoring the fact that his sister and Deku were both in front of us. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and his chest hit mine. I immediately disregarded the others and held him tight. I missed him so fucking much.
I felt him shake a bit and I knew he was crying. I tried my best to keep myself calm and squeezed him. Deku looked extremely confused and awkwardly shifted on his feet..
"Katsuki I missed you, oh god I missed you," He whispered.
I squeezed harder and buried my face in his neck, "I missed you too Shoto, so much."
Fuyumi was smiling at us still and I kind of guessed she knew about us. I didn't give a damn about Deku anymore, I was just glad to be holding my Shoto again.
"Midoriya, come with me, I'll show you this cat I found wandering around outside. Dad doesn't know but I've been feeding her and now she won't leave. You'll like her, come on!" She said taking his hand and leading him out.
I mentally thanked her for that. I shut the door with my foot and took a big inhale of his scent and exhaled, feeling my breathing change in an emotional way.
"What happened, why haven't you called or answered me?" I asked.
He pulled back and wiped his eyes a bunch, his nose and cheeks flushed with a shade of pink. He led me to his bed and sat down with me, not letting go of my hand.
"My dad, he knows now," He said quietly.
I blinked a bit and cocked my head to the side, "But how-"
"He was pissed, yelling at me about getting suspended. I tried to cover it up by saying we got in a fight but it didn't matter. He looked through my phone and saw our messages…"
I listened, trying my best to not lose it.
"At first I thought maybe he would take it easy after yelling at me for ten minutes but he was… so fucking furious," Tears started to roll down his cheeks again, "And he… he…"
"You don't have to say anymore if you don't-"
"Katsuki, he despises me, he hates the fact that we're together. He hates me. He really fucking hurt me," He pulled at his turtleneck to show a slightly faded bruise on his skin, "He wouldn't stop until he gave up on yelling and left. He broke my phone and that's why I couldn't call you. I wanted to sneak out but then Fuyumi came to stay with us. I guess she found out something was going on here. Thank God for that. She won't let him near me when he's home. I told her everything. She's been so nice to me about it. I'm so upset that he can't just leave it alone. So what if he doesn't accept me he really doesn't need to hurt me for it. But. I guess I'm used to it. He never stops hurting me. Never."
I sighed and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, "He's such a dick I'll fucking kill him."
He shot away from me, "No, please. Don't do anything, please Katsuki. I just want this to blow over and him to ignore me. I don't want to try to change anything now."
I quieted down, still feeling extremely pissed. Shoto sighed into my chest and sat up. We looked at each other, not saying anything. It was only two days but it felt like forever. Being here with him again felt like time was frozen. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He immediately kissed back, gently squeezing my hand.
"He still sending you to Hosu?" I asked.
Shoto shrugged, "Don't know, probably not. I don't think he's got much pride in me anymore. Would be embarrassing to him if he sent his gay son to a flashy agency."
I slowly nodded, "Well he better not, I want to ride out these few weeks and just get back to normalcy. Also, I'd like to sleep in my own damn bed."
He smiled a little, "You still can't stand him can you?"
I shook my head, "That, and I'm tired of not having all of my shit. I'm tired of having to be aware of those two. I want my room and my bed."
He ran a few fingers through my tangles and hugged me again, "I really did miss you Katsuki."

SHOTO'S POV

The visit with Katsuki didn't last very long. Eventually they needed to get back before my pops showed up and blew another fuse. I gave Katsuki one last kiss before he left my room. I looked back down to the book I had been reading, only to hear my door open again. 
Midoriya stepped in slowly and shut it behind him. He looked uneasy.
"Midoriya?" I closed the book, "What is it?"
He didn't look at me, he just stood there silently. I figured he was trying to find words. Then he spoke up.
"You and Kacchan…" He said softly, "You're in a relationship aren't you?"
I nodded, "Yeah, we are… why?" 
He lowered his head and his green hair fell in front of his eyes, "How did that even happen?"
"Well… we didn't get along well until one day it just sort of changed. He and I began to open up to each other, and then, well… we fell in love."
"You love him?" He whispered.
I turned my head to the side, "Yeah but… what's wrong?"
He shook his head, "I just thought… I don't know. There's no point now."
I stood up and walked towards him, "Does that make you uncomfortable?"
He looked up at my face with pink cheeks and slightly glossy eyes, "N-no it's not that. I-I just. Todoroki I've had these feelings for you for so long a-and I guess it's my fault I couldn't speak up in time. I-I regret that now. Kacchan isn't a very kind person but you are. I don't see how that can work, like, with him being so touchy and angry all the time. I-I mean, doesn't that make you uncomfortable? B-Because, your dad is…"
I gasped a bit, "Don't you dare compare him to my old man. You don't know anything about him and Katsuki isn't anywhere close to that."
He looked a little flustered, "Oh I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to-"
"Midoriya I can't let you talk down on him. Sure, it's his fault he won't let anyone close enough to understand him, and sometimes can be very cold. That doesn't make him a bad person. There's so much more to him than what you've seen."
…
We both stood in silence for a moment.
"Why did it have to be him?" He whispered.
I swallowed back the saliva in my mouth, "Don't ask me questions that I can't give you answers you'd want to hear, Midoriya. I'm sorry."
He sighed and licked his lips, a few tears dropped from his eyelashes, "That's okay, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to overstep."
I felt bad watching him cry quietly. Midoriya was a good friend to me. I lifted my arms, hesitated, and then hugged his small frame. He was tense, but eventually loosened up and hugged me back. It was a short one, he released first and wiped his eyes with his sleeves.
"I have to head home, I'll bring more work soon," He said before turning and leaving.
I let out a long sigh and scratched my head. I hated feeling like I've done something wrong, but I meant everything I said. I am very aware of the person Katsuki chooses to present himself as. However, I know the person he is on the inside when he feels safe and accepted. He craves acknowledgement and validation. He just wants to feel like a person. I can sympathize with that. I do really love him. I just hope I didn't lose a friend because of it.

Author's Note:
I am so so so sorry this took forever and I'm trying to get back on track with writing. I've been super duper depressed and anxious so everything is like bland and gross and blegh. I'm trying to get better. Hopefully more updates come faster! Thanks for reading. I'll post more soon!