the girl who lost things

part twenty-three

—jessie's pov

It was the last day at the hospital, four agonizing days filled with " it gets better." and " stay strong." the team had a case. It was just me and JJ " Why are you here?" I blurt out. I hate my mouth," To comfort you, to watch you," she says. I get out of bed. And look out the window, it was snowing. "I don't need watching." I take a seat at the desk right next to her, feeling so heavy. They fed me four meals a day with three snacks. It was torture. " We were talking about your living situation, the team and i." that's what I've been putting off, my housing situation. They won't let me stay in my house, especially after this. " Your grandma, wanted to bring you back to Italy." she pauses and looks at me. I was playing with my bracelet.

"I don't want to go back to Italy." I look up at her; Italy was an excellent vacation area. But I could not live there. "I know, that's why I offered to take you in."  look at her, " Until.." is she serious. I'm not some stray puppy. Gosh, why does this have to happen to me? " Until you graduate. Get a degree." she rubs my shoulder. I don't plan on making it to graduation. I tell myself. But, on the outside, I smile. a small one, but I smile. Maybe, just a tiny piece of hope. " Thank you." I manage to let out. She leans in for a hug. I finally accept it. then, she pulls out a piece of paper. " What is that?"

"Your eating disorder, they want you to seek treatment." I take the paper, and it was a list of residential facilities." No." I give them back. " I'm fine." I walk to the mirror. Why. I grip my fat. So much weight. So much misery. My eyes become glossy. " Jessie, I know you don't think there's nothing wrong but your dying."

" I've always wanted to die. So what's the problem with doing it slowly!" I scream out. My hands start to shake. I couldn't even move. I try to hold in my tears and go into the bathroom. Once again, sliding down the wall breaking down. I could hear a nurse talking to her. Then, a knock on the door. It opens. JJ comes and hugs me. A long one, I cry into her arms. She kisses my head." We don't have to talk about it, now." she holds my head in her arms. I don't like it. I feel like I'm replacing her. I raise my knees to my face, which causes my hospital gown to go up—revealing the scars and the words control. She touches them, and I could feel a teardrop coming out of her eye. I quickly pull the gown back down and walk to the sink. What does she have to cry about? I run my face with cold water, and she gets a call. She wipes her tears and walks out of the room; I walk out to the room with her. A lady comes and sits and a chair in my room. I take a seat on my bed. " Hi, Jessie! I'm your psychiatrist. my name is dr. Noel." I nod and stare out the window. " I don't need help," I look at her. Making sure she sees my anger.

" You might not think so, but you've lost 57 pounds in 5 months." I look at her. " Healthy weight loss." I pick my bracelet. Don't let her break you. " If it is, I want you to gain 20 pounds." I look at her; she can't be serious. she's not serious. " I'm not going to put you in a facility yet. but I am hoping by the next time I see you, your a healthy 120." I nod. She let me off; I breathe a breath of relief. Eat your meals. Throw it up, but eat your meals. She exits the room, and I can continue getting skinny. JJ walks back inside. " What did she say."

" That she doesn't want to seek treatment yet until they are sure. Because I'm healthy." I smile, but her face remains the same. " What else?" I didn't want to bring up the gain twenty pounds thing. I shrug my shoulders, Act happy. She comes and sits on the bed. " You know Emily wasn't the only person that loves you, right?" She runs her fingers through my hair. I don't want to believe that anybody can love me, especially the way Emily did. I don't respond. " Did you bring my stuff?" I spot a bag in the corner. I guess she wasn't waiting for that response. She nods. I walk to the bag, my poetry book, and some pictures of Emily. I grab the images and run to the bed. I put out the first picture; it was her and me at our first ballet recital. I remember that day; she made me try thin mint cookies. I pull out another; it was the first day she brought me to the bau. I was holding her badge. I laugh cause I was missing my two front teeth in this picture.

A nurse comes inside the room." I need you to sign a few papers before you are discharged." She hands JJ some papers and looks at me. " I don't want to see you back here!" She pats my back. I nod, probably the next time I'll succeed. JJ hands the papers back, and I change into my clothes. A sweater and sweat pants with converses. I grab my bag, and we walk out, finally, back to my ways.

—

We arrive at her house; I can't believe I'm staying here. She points me to a guest bedroom. My stuff was already there, including some of my mom's clothes. I let out a small smile."Thank you," I tell her silently.