the girl who lost things

part thirty-two

— Jessie's pov
I step on the scale of 94lbs, I've managed to stay stable. But, I've been fainting more and more. They don't know about eating and purging, so to them, I look like a success story.

Neither Emily nor Derek has expressed there feeling for each other. But, they act like a married couple every day.

I've moved on from my thighs to my hips. Everything is getting better for them. But I feel worse. I stare at the ceiling, imagining a life with no care and no hurt.

A knock gets my attention, but I don't budge. It was Emily. She comes in and sits on the bed. " whatcha thinking about?" She moves my hair out of my face. My frizzy kinky hair. Which glimmer dark brown in the sun.

" who am I?" I maintain my staring into the ceiling. Where did I come from? Another subject that was eating at my head.

" I just know your ethnicity." I look at her; why would she keep this from me? I've been struggling with identity for so long. I hated not knowing. She leaves the room, probably to get something.

my mirror sat across my room; I look at myself-
Skinny, not deadly, but thin, nutmeg glistening skin with a blowout of hair.

What does it matter what your roots are? I think to myself. It doesn't matter.

But it does matter- I have the right to know who I am and my culture.

— emily's pov
I go through my box of valuables and paperwork. I hope she just wanted to know her roots. I bring out the papers and walk into her room and hand it to her.

" Remember when you were five, I made you take those Arabic class." she looks at the paper and nods.
" well, you can see that your Sudanese and Pakistani." she looks up at me.

" you mean, you let me take those classes to get closer to my culture." I nod. I didn't want her to feel like I was hiding her from her true self.

— jessie's pov

I lay back, finally knowing my roots. I guess I felt some ease.

" Thanks, mom." I hug her; this was the first time hugging her. It felt so awkward. I quickly pull back and cover myself with covers. It was so cold- so cold.

" it's not that cold!" she leaves the room. She knows I'm anorexic, right?

I haven't eaten anything without purging in 8 days. When I stand, my stomach hurts. Ugh, one problem after the other. I always felt nauseous and dizzy.

I hate eating disorders.
It was a Wednesday; today, I had to give myself away. Mom was leaving for work soon, which means I go back to my routine.

I stand up and quickly get dressed before I faint. I could hear Emily's keys jingle. " BYE! LOVE YOU!"

" BYE!" I reply and hear the door shut. I wear a white sweater and black sweat pants. I make my way to place little by little. I had a chewy bar in my pocket, 100kcal it read. I needed the energy.

I eat the bar and make my way towards the alleyway where he was there to pick me up.

He opens the front door. I take my seat; by this time, I looked sweaty and sick. He noticed it.

" what's wrong with you?" I shrug my shoulders, but with that, he looks worried. He doesn't drive to the apartment but to a drug store. He gets out.