the girl who lost things

part sixty-four

— Jessie's pov
Derek left the fbi, he couldn't risk something like this ever happening again, and he didn't want to be far away from hank all the time.

I wish I were happy for him, but a part of me misses the bau too. I can't go back either and help with cases for 'safety reasons. They just didn't want me to lead a bad guy to the house and put hank in harm's way.

So Derek got a desk job at some governmental office, and Savannah's on maternity leave.

So now it's just me; I dreaded every moment of everything; life was stuck on a loop. Everyone was 'happier' because of all the family time.

It's been nine months, and Emily still hasn't had any communication with me. I was shot and almost died, but she still didn't come out of work. I can't entirely blame her cause she probably doesn't know. But then again, why would you go nine months without talking to your child?

Everything just stated my point. My life meant nothing. My sixteenth birthday passed. Nothing exciting.

James was the only person who shed some light on the situation. I would go over to his house after school and watch tv. Cody enlisted in the army, so he's not around much anymore. Thank God.

Every day brought me one step closer to killing myself—just one bullet to the brain or something.
My body was dissolving; I could barely stand up without having my heart feel like it was giving out.

But no one noticed; no one asked anything. it was like I was a shadow. " are you going to eat that?"

"huh?"

" your lunch?" Vanessa says, pointing at my tray. I nod, and she grabs it from me. " what's wrong?" she says with her mouth filled with crackers. It made me laugh, which made her laugh more.

I wish picking up the pieces she spits out from the table and putting them onto the tray. " nothing, just thinking."

" about what? you are getting shot cause I'm still trying to get over that part." I smile.

" yea, that part, and some other stuff."

"like what? What could make the almighty Jessie so distraught." she countered.

Vanessa was actually a good friend, a good person. We got close through the months, but now, she's become a lot closer with everything that's been going on.

" my mom, I still haven't heard from her," I replied in a moment of vulnerability. she knew that I was getting severe,

she dragged me out of the table and into the hallway.
" tell me more," she says, walking,

" there's not much to say, just kinda feels like she forgot about me." the lunchroom had started letting kids out.

Now welcoming a hall full of students.

" I don't know your mom, but she sounds like an ass." I turn to her in complete shock. I could see her trying to hold in her laughter. But it doesn't work.

She is an ass.
—
I walk out into the front of the school, waiting for James to pick me up. " Jessie!" I turn around to see Vanessa coming down the stairs.

" Yeah?."

" where you going?"

" James and I are heading back to his apartment."

" you guys are gonna have sex?" she says, nudging my rib, which hurt way more than expected. I let out a little squeal. " oh- I forgot."

I nod, and she smiled, fidgeting, patting my rib, which just made it worse but, I let her think she was helping—my phone dings.

James:

I can't come today; the store is busy for some reason. Are you ok or do you still need me to come?

it was ok, I respond and focus my attention back on Vanessa. " actually, do you want to go somewhere?"

" your date canceled?" she chimed sarcastically. I smile and punch her in the rib. payback. " I have some stuff in my backpack; we could go to the entrance of manors church and try some," she muttered.

" you have drugs?!" She nods with her eyes jumping from me to the ground. I never knew she had it in her.

We make our way towards the entrance of the woods. Hopefully, no one waits up for me. " what type of drugs do you have in your backpack?" I say, jumping off the twigs and boulders.

" crack mostly, but I also have some Xanax." I didn't even want to question how; I just continue walking until we reach our spot.

I pull out my phone and send a message to Derek, telling him not to wait up.

Vanessa was already making the lines and snorting them. Like she's done it before. " how did you get it?" she slowly picks up her head; it seems like it's already kicked in.

" I know someone, but come on!" she pulls me towards her and positions me. She does another line as an example.

I already am seriously underweight and barely hanging onto life. Why not add drugs to the mix.

I run my head through the lines; I felt the dust travel through my nostrils. It made me cough. " take another line! it'll help." I run my head again.

I could finally start feeling it; it felt weird. Like nothing was wrong, like I had the whole world under my feet. Confidence. I felt confident and happy.

" Are you feeling it?" I nod as she laughs into her palms. I'd never seen that side of her before. She seemed like an innocent person.

We were just talking about everything. she was an only child. Her dad was a lawyer, and her mom was s of businesswoman.
—
It was getting late, very late. It was already dark. Time passed so much. my phone hasn't buzzed. Another fact of mine was proven.

Vanessa was already packing up, " do you want some to take home?" she holds a small ziplock bag up.

I shouldn't, especially with ex-fbi as a caregiver. But it's so tiny- I could find millions of places to hide it. I nod, and she throws me the bag. " isn't it like really expensive?" I utter.

the corner of her mouth quirked up, " it's okay." we start walking back to the main road. " I can drop you off."

" no, I'll drop you off and then take the bus." she insists but stops knowing I won't take no for an answer.

we share some jokes about our dance teacher until we arrive at her house. " this is my stop." I wave goodbye, but instead, she hugs me. Ok, that's awkward but fine.

She leaves my arms and walks to her house. I run towards the bus stop before the bus left me. The drive was silent and mellow. Nothing serious, it was nearing 10 pm, and they still haven't called. It's ok.
——
I open the door, and I could hear hank crying. Derek and they were in the living room feeding him, but they were really just trying to watch a movie.

" where were you?" Derek finally says, seeing me at the gate.

" with my friend." he nods and turns back to hank; I shouldn't be mad. Hank deserves their undivided attention.

But then again, it helps me. It's easier to let go of them and for them to let go of me; when I finally do it. I just wish I had the guts to do it now.