the girl who lost things

part thirty-eight

— jessie's pov
it's been a month since everybody found out. I told them I want to be treated the same, but they secret watch everything I do. Emily still can't stop beating herself up for it. It's my fault, anyway. I could've run anytime. But I had someone to protect.

They have me going to a "rape-trauma" therapist. Once every week, it doesn't help. I don't say much.

Derek started coming home a lot later, or he doesn't come home at all; this was going on for a bit before they found out but not to this extreme.

I play with my breakfast, avocados and toast. Yum!
I take a few bites, and I was full. I push my plate in front of me and get dressed.

Today was Wednesday... I pick up my jacket and put on some boots. I still can't let go.
I see Emily at my doorway, "you're done with breakfast?" I nod and go back to putting on my boots; I didn't know where I was going. I need to put them on. " where are you going?" I shrug my shoulders. I don't know.

I struggled to get my solace out from the knot; it wasn't coming out. I pulled and pulled. Grabbing on it with my fingernails, it wasn't moving. I could feel tears erupt from my eyes.

Get out,

get out,

get out,

" hey! Hey." I feel Emily hold my hands together; I lean on her shoulder; why is everything so hard.

" I want to see him." I feel Emily detach from me; a look of fear washes over her face. She climbs on the bed and cups my face with her hands. I feel her hands catching my teardrops.

" that isn't closure." she huffs her breathe; I know she didn't want to let me go. But I needed to. I stare at her with my hazelnut eyes showing the burning passion I have to see him.

she squints her eyes and then lays my head on her shoulders. " but you're going to do it anyway." I let out an exhausting laugh.

" yea," she gets up and walks to the kitchen. I tuck my lace into my boot.

She comes back, wiping whatever tears she had on her face. " let's go. they still have him in the FBI."

I know how bad she felt, defeated as a mother. I wanted to tell her it wasn't her fault, but she wouldn't believe it. That's the problem with her; she's too strong-headed.

I look at the flashing lights of cop cars and build boards.

Stay calm. Everything was normal until they found out your secret. Now everybody looks at you differently, with pity. That's what hurts me.

I don't care about my rape; I got over it. Telling myself," that's the way life goes." but the stares, I couldn't imagine what they were thinking.

We arrived. I stay in my seat for a while. I was sitting, dwelling until I open the door, following Emily to the interrogation room.

I stand at the door; she grabs my hand.
" Are you sure?" I don't turn around; I nod. Taking a deep breath.

Looking through the window, I see him, dishevelled, eyes watering, and a healed black eye. It's been a while. I open the door.

I can see his eyes light up, filthy light. Like there was hope. I take a seat, making sure not to show my fear. Breathe! Control yourself!!! I put my hands on the table, adjusting myself on the chair. He puts his hand over mine—his cold fingers.

I let them stay.

But I hear the door swing open. It was Emily.
" Get your hands off of her!" she yells, pulling my hands away. he slowly puts his hands in his lap.

" Emily, Emily." I hear Derek too. Then the door closes.

I just kept my eyes on him, seeing if he cracks, but he doesn't budge. He looks me in my eyes.
" I'm sorry," he says, finally breaking eye contact. I stay still; no words. " you didn't deserve that, you and Clara."

" deserve what." I finally say.

" to be raped and almost raped by those men!" I look at him. is he serious? by those men?? " if I had come sooner, I could stop them from hurting you!"

" you hurt me too." my eyes were watering.

- emily's pov
Derek and I were watching through the glass; I could feel steam erupting from both of our sides. But it was more sorrow for me. That's my daughter in there talking to her rapist.

What did I do wrong? How could have I prevented this?

I could see her eyes watering; he was getting to her. Seeing her cry made me want to go and cry with her. I feel dereks head turn, and he tugs, pulling me into his shoulder.

" she's strong."

— jessie's pov

" But I loved you! I didn't kidnap you; I let you live your life! I gave you freedom!"

" THAT WASNT FREEDOM! YOU USED ME, YOU THREATENED ME! YOU BROKE ME!"

" you were already broken; I fixed you." those words stung. was he right? " I never meant to hurt you or Clara; I loved you guys." he reaches his hands out again. But I keep mine in my lap.

" Why did you take me? why me?" I taste the salty tears in my mouth.

" because from the moment, I laid eyes on you while you were shopping with your mom. I knew you were the one." he lets out a smile. I fight the urge to jump and rip his face open. I was finished; I'm not listening to any of this. I back my chair up and make my way towards the door.
" I have you guys something to hold onto." I stop

" what are you talking about?"

" I provided Clara with happiness in those children! She smiles a lot more because of them, and you; well, you have the pleasure of being free. nothing is holding you; I let you go!" I slam the door and exit.

With that door closed, I felt lighter, not better, but like a weight was lifted. I could see Emily and Derek just standing there in distress. I walk up to them and fall into their arms, there comfort.