A Million Little Secrets- Josh Richards

041

I walk out of the classroom after saying goodbye to Miss.L and meet Charli outside the door. We head to the cafeteria and Charli gets some food. I didn't get anything cause I wasnt hungry but I will steal a couple of Charli's fries no doubt. We start walking over to the lunch table, but as we get closer to the "Popular" table, me and Josh make eye contact. He look so sad? Why though? Wasn't it just a bet to him? We make eye contact for a second but I quickly look away knowing I'm about to burst into tears. I need to get out of this shit hole before I do. I gulp to hold back the tears and look at Charli.

Me" I'm actually just going to head home. I'm not feeling the best and I have to finish a couple of pieces for the art fair tonight.

Charli: I'm coming then!

*I lightly chuckle*

Me: It's fine Char! You can stay here and I will be fine! You don't need to watch me 24/7, it's not like I have been hurting myself or anything so quit trying to be my babysitter!

*She chuckles*

Charli: I am not your babysitter! Your all I have left and I am not staying at school all alone! And I know you don't need a babysitter, but it's nice to have a shoulder to cry on when you feel like crying like you do now so lets go. I know how hard it is to see him, but it's ok.

*I smile slightly and nod. We walk out of the cafeteria and it took everything in me to not look back at Josh. Apparently, everything in me isn't enough because i still turned my head around and made eye contact with Josh again. I can see his glossy eyes from across the room and that's when I felt the hot tear stream down my face. I quickly wipe it and turn back around before Josh could see anymore tears fall down my cheeks. I couldn't help but to wonder what he was thinking about. Why was he so sad? He doesn't have to date me anymore and isn't that a good thing? No one has to date the new annoying, ugly new girl? I also wonder why they picked me fore the bet? They could pick anyone yet they pick me? Was it just that they thought it was funny for the popular fuck boy to date the weird new girl who could draw? Or was it that they knew I was new and had no idea who Josh was? Everything is all so confusing but my feelings. I can't understand why they picked me for the bet and I can't get any of he answers that I am looking for but I know how I feel. I know that I am so hurt and sad because of Josh but I still love him. No matter what he did or does, I will always love him. And the worst part is, I can't let him go. I'm trying, I really am but it's not as easy to let him go as easy as it was for me to do with my Mom's death.  I think because I know if I knock on his door, he will open it. If I touched him, I would feel his body under my hand. Knowing he's still here and I could touch him or see him whenever I want, makes it so fucking hard for me to let him go. I just have to accept the fact that Josh is not in my life anymore, he's out of it and isn't coming back. Why did it hurt so much though? It's like someone is jabbing a knife through my heart and every time I think about Josh, they stab my heart again. I feel weak and I don't like it. Or at least the part where people can tell I'm weak and not the bitch I sometimes am on the outside. Me and Charli get in my car and Charli drives because I can't see through the tears that are leaving a glossy coat over my eyes. Music plays softly in the background and Charli doesn't try to ask any questions which i'm thankful for because i don't think I can answer them with out bursting into tears right there and then. A couple minutes later, we pull into the driveway of my house. I tell Charli to sit on the couch and wait till I get all my art stuff to start another cheesy romance movie. As I am getting all my sketches, I see the one I drew of me and Josh. I started to tear up again but I quickly stopped myself from crying after reminding myself that josh doesn't actually care about me so why should I waist my tears on him? Some how, it hurt more and the tears fell but I quickly wiped them away. I shove the drawing into my nightstand drawer and wipe the rest of tears that fell down my face. I put my hair into a messy bun and head downstairs with all my art stuff in hand. Me and Charli watch a movie while I re-touch and create some new art work for tonights art fair.