5 Seconds of Summer BoyXBoy one-shots

Me Without You // Malum/Cashton

~ I wasn't even sure if I was gonna write this because I felt like the first one ended in a relatively good way but here it is anyways. 

The Irony Of Choking On A Lifesaver, part 2 xx /M~ 

[WARNINGS: kinda almost selfharm in the beginning, talk about death]  

Calum’s hands are shaking, his head is spinning and he’s clinging to the small piece of shiny metal for dear life.

Five months. It’s been five months since Michael left him and Calum’s never felt this scared.

All his life, he never knew how it is to feel, to really feel, and ever since Michael left he’s been drowning in his own feelings. Michael leaving meant that suddenly, suddenly he felt everything a hundred times stronger than before, when Michael was the one handling that.

He never knew, he never really knew how much it hurt to see someone else suffer, he never knew how painful it was to have someone you love leave you forever. He thought Michael just liked to fuck with him, he thought he was only missing out on the good feelings.

Like love, he thought he was missing out on love. And he was, because now he really feels how much he loves Ashton. He also thought that Michael made him feel things that weren’t real, but that was wrong too. Michael just made those feelings stronger, the feelings of doubt and fear of not being enough.

Michael could control his feelings, he could make Calum feel certain things and he could take the edge of some feelings, but Calum can’t. Calum can’t control his feelings, he’s left to fend for himself as they wash over him, paralyzing him. The only thing he can control is the physical pain.

And that’s why he’s here, on the bathroom floor with a sharp piece of metal, a broken pencil sharpener, pressed to the smooth skin on his wrist, his hand shaking so hard he can’t move it, can’t move it to tear the skin apart. He wants to, god he wants nothing more than to be in control for a while, but he can’t, he’s shaking too bad.

And then, a hand is placed on his, taking the blade from him. But the hand is too pale to be Ashton’s, the fingers too short.

Familiar arms are wrapped around him, a familiar scent filling his nose as he’s pulled onto someone’s lap. There’s the sound of a toilet flushing and then nothing, the only thing breaking the silence being Calum’s heartbeat.

“I’m sorry I left you.” he can’t bring himself to answer, can’t do anything. So he just sits there, with fingers drawing patterns on his back as he slowly calms down. And it feels right, even though he knows nothing has changed yet, even though he knows this could all just be his imagination, it feels right. They stay like that for a while, until Calum’s heartbeat is back to it’s normal pace, and that’s when Calum finally opens his eyes, looking up.

His hair is no longer red but has the colour of chocolate, just like it did a few years ago, but the piercing is still there and his eyes are as green as ever. The small scar above his eye is still visible and so are the dark circles under his eyes. Michael’s there, there’s no way Calum’s imagination could be this detailed, since he couldn’t even remember how Michael’s voice sounded yesterday.

“I’m scared.” no hi, no how you’ve been. Maybe because Calum knows Michael doesn’t care about things like that, maybe because he just needs someone to help him. And Michael seems to understand, because just like that, the intensity of his feelings lowers and he can finally breathe again.

“we need to talk.” Michael seem to have grown a lot since he left, because there’s not even a hint of sarcasm in his voice as he removes Calum from his lap, standing up. There’s nothing but sincerity in his eyes. This can’t possibly be the same boy as the one who tried to get Calum to fall in love with everyone he saw.