Work In Progress

The Shell of What I was

(TW)

In the few weeks that had passed Meredith had started physical therapy. Her hands had slight tremors still which bothered her but, was too stubborn to tell anyone. Only Zola had taken notice to it, being the smart girl she was. Yet Meredith (childishly) had paid her ten dollars not to tell anyone. Derek had tried to make efforts to fix things but, nothing worked. She sat on their bed in deep thought, he had taken notice. 

"I hear if you stare long enough at something lasers will come out of your eyes." He shot her a smile.

"I don't get it.." She said removing her gaze from the floor.

"Get what?"

"Why you said that to me. I am trying to put together pieces," Meredith paused before coming face to face with the shamed man. "I need your help. Why are you treating me like this? You never have. Did we have a fight or did I cheat before you know..? I have no recollection of what happened. I remember after the attack, not that I guess. Maybe more so my fall. Feeling complete and utter loneliness. Finding out Lexie died, Mark..." She removed her gaze when tears met her cheek. "I didn't and for the most part still don't know who my children are. I practiced their names and Zola would get upset when I called her Ellis. I was at my worst point when I left, and some days I wished you hadn't found me. I don't regret that night and I know it's horrible to say." Tears pricked Derek's eyes. "I don't understand why or who I was before this, all I know is I love you. It just seems you don't feel the same. So I need the puzzle piece that made you stop." Her voice cracking caused his tears to fall. Her hands clasped together in a praying position and stared at the ceiling, with her chin resting on her hands. "I don't know how hard this has been for you, but whatever you're feeling it's ten times worse for me I swear it. " She stood up and went to grab the handle of the door when Zola swung it open. 

Before Derek could answer Zola asked to go to the park, something Meredith and the kids did when he was in D.C. She hadn't noticed the tears that fell from their parents so, she was very happy when Meredith said yes. Derek turned to speak but kept his mouth shut when he saw her leave the room. Zola grabbed Meredith's hand and ran with her into the room Bailey and her shared. "Wake up baby." Meredith spoke quietly attempting to wake the small child. He opened his eyes slowly and hugged his mom. "Guess what Bailey? We are going to have a fun day at the park." His smile could light up an entire room. Zola left the room not too long before her mom followed. 

Since Meredith had taken on kid duty, Derek decided to take on lunch duty. Although the peace of their home had been disrupted they still had an amazing synchronicity. About thirty minutes later they were ready to leave the home. She had given up picking out Zola's clothes a while back. Zola wore a bright yellow raincoat with sandals and a tutu. It was the beginning of spring. As they entered the car Derek took notice. "Awesome outfit sweetie!" Zola stared her mother down. "Mommy doesn't think so." She crossed her arms pouting. "I think so, it's just very uh unique and I don't want you to make your brother jealous." She said saving herself.  When Bailey ran into the car Zola repeated what her mother had told her to Bailey. The small child cried for ten minutes, which made Ellis cry. Once they reached the destination Derek helped the kids out of the car while she unbuckled the small baby from her car seat. Once she picked her up her tiny hands grabbed the blondes hairs. "Ow." 

Zola and Bailey ran to the playground while Derek and Meredith rolled out a blanket on the grass just close enough to watch. Meredith soon realized taking Ellis out of the carseat was pointless and sat her down next to them. He set the picnic basket down and pulled out two PB&J's. He handed one to the pissed girl which made her crack a small smile.

 "You're right. You do deserve an explanation. It's just not anything you'd want to hear." Her smile faded to a frown. "You cheated?!" He giggled. "No. After Bailey was born I got a job offer to work for the president in D.C. Yet I had told you take the year to yourself. You were mad and said you didn't want to move. Since I had built us our house and everyone we'd be leaving. Long story short we made a compromise, I left and you stayed home. I was supposed to visit you one weekend and they told me no and that weekend turned into months. Five months to be exact. I had absolutely no way to reach you, I tried. When I came back you were pregnant with Ellis." Her jaw dropped.

 "We had on and off fights, rightfully on your behalf. Then you were attacked by Lou. Your jaw was braced together for six weeks and so many more injuries." He pulled out his phone and showed her all the scans. "You just wanted to walk, I hadn't been around as much. Instead of prioritizing you I chose my job again. I tried to balance work and the kids which left little time to visit you. Zola was scared of you, so was Bailey. You just wanted your kids. Alex had told you to walk, let's just say you're an overachiever but, you fell. Must of hit your head pretty rough. You striked a bleed. You were holding Ellis, you had just gotten your braces off. Happy. Then you started just staring into space, unresponsive. You had a seizure. That's when all this happened." He said waiting for a response. "That doesn't explain why you are being like this." She sneered. "I feel guilty Mer and finding your lifeless body and I just, can't live without you. No matter how hard I try and let me prove it to you."

Getting interrupted by their children once again Bailey ran to them. "Zo fell and her knee is bleeding." Derek left Meredith with Ellis to help the injured child. She sat in her thoughts. Forgiveness wasn't something that came easy to her.