Work In Progress

Photo Albums are for Losers

No wound could ever compare to what this family had felt. Meredith wanted to know who she was and she tried so hard but made such small progress that she gets discouraged. Derek was angry all the time, not with her but the world for doing this to his wife, his love. Angry with himself for not being there for her. Zola and Bailey missed baking with their mother, even if she wasn't the best baker. And poor baby Ellis who got caught up in this whole mess, most days were to stressful to even keep her at the house so they decided it was best for her to stay with Jo and Alex. What do you do when everything gets taken from you? How do you cope? How do you begin to move on?

Today was like most days, Meredith would visit with her kids not for much longer than an hour or two, she would get easily overwhelmed. Then the kids would spend time with their father for much longer, maybe try and spoil them to cover up the fact the family was falling apart. She still wasn't a huge fan of talking,  it was a trauma response. The day would end with Derek making the kids dinner and then looking through photo albums with Meredith.

"Derek."

"Hm?

"Will you still love me if I can't remember our past?" She asked.

There was a pause. He grasped her hand in his and looked in her eyes. "Yes, Mer. If you can't remember our past then we can make memories for the future."

She gave a half smile. "You're just saying that."

"You are the love of my life Meredith. I'm not just saying that, you are a ray of light even in rough times like these. You always find a way to care for others. I can fall in love with you a billion times and never get bored of you."

Tragedy, the one thing Meredith's brain always made her go into autopilot. But, what is left when the mind that once occupied is gone?

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she kissed Derek. It was a gentle kiss, one of the firsts since the accident. He wanted everything to be on her terms. "What do you think about talking to friends, is that something you'd be interested in?" 

 She thought. They would know, they would find about her tremor and tell Derek. She shook her head no. 

"Look I know it's hard, not just hard this is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy kind of hard. But the more engaged you are the more your brain will remember the little things. If not for me, do it for Ellis."

Her brows furrowed in confusion for a split second before realizing he was talking about their own daughter. He took notice of this. The saddest thing was she would probably never get the previous memories back of Ellis. She had only had her for three months before the accident. "She should have a mom." Meredith's stated firmly. 

"She has a mother, Mer." 

She shook her head in disbelief. "No she doesn't, she has the shell of a mom. She is supposed to be with us. She cries every-time she is away from Jo or Alex. She is attached to them, that should be us. She just deserves so much more, and I don't know how to give it to her. I don't know how I managed this before everything. And everything is falling apart because of me." She sobbed between breaths. Guilt overpowered her and reared it's ugly head.

He knew words couldn't help whatever was going on in that poor womans head so he pulled her into a hug until her cries were silent. He knew. He always knew what to do in times like these. He was Derek.

The two separated from the hug. "Can we look through photo albums again, please?" He gave her a half smile. "Yes, of course." He got up and went into their shared closet. He grabbed to box from the top shelf and got one that centered around them. Figuring the kids would be too triggering for her in that very moment.

"So this is our-"

"First date, I remember that." The two shared a smile. "Only bits and pieces though." She warned looking back down at the book. Everything he was saying sounded like word vomit, and at times got too intense for her taste. "This is the day, me and you got legally married."

"How come we didn't get married in a church?"

"You weren't a big fan, we ended up giving our wedding to Izzie."

"Who?"

"She was in your intern class. Along with Alex, George and Cristina."

"Who's George?"

He frowned. "That's a conversation for another time." It wasn't fair, all the trauma she had endured out her life she'd have to revisit again.

"Oh. Okay." She spoke with a hint of disappointment in her voice. She didn't like being babied but she didn't want to push it. She fidgeted with her hands trying not to let him see the tremor in her hands.

"Can we be done with this tonight?" She exclaimed in frustration.

"Of course."

The two went to bed and when the sun rose she was just as frustrated as the days before. She got up before Derek and tried making cereal in peace. No questions about her hand, and no more talk of surgery. She wasn't sure how long she could keep this up but she just knew she had to. Everything was going smoothly. She grabbed a bowl from a upper cabinet and cereal from the pantry. It was smooth sailing until her hands tremors jolted the box out of her hands causing a huge mess to form. "You're fucking kidding me." She whispered to herself. She was happy it wasn't a bowl though, he would've definitely heard that. Although it was as infuriating as playing operation with your eyes closed. Her hands tremor making it almost impossible to pick up small pieces. She refused to be babied.

Derek woke up to an empty bed and panicked he searched around the house until he found Meredith defeated in a circle of cereal. "Hard morning?" He teased. "Yeah, you could say that." Her hand holding the other to hide the truth. "Need help?" She shook her head. All she really wanted was for him to leave, so she could pick it up and never forget about it. He got down to her level and started picking the cereal up not giving a shit about her request. Feeling guilty she tried helping but her hand found it's way in Dereks view.

"Meredith how long has that been there?"