Work In Progress

What is Left?

A depressing scene it was. Loved ones gathered. Different shades of black and grey. A light pour of rain. Umbrellas held. Amelia was sat in the back, farthest from Derek, Maggie joined her out of respect. He and the children sat in front. His eyes were dull and looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. Richard and Bailey were a row behind near Alex and Jo. While Cristina sat right besides Derek, it's what Meredith would've wanted.

Some described Derek as a ghost, pale and mentally not there. He stared at his wife laying in the casket. People lied, to him she didn't look peaceful. To him she looked beat. To him she looked defeated. He was blocking out everything the stupid preacher was saying. All he could think about is putting his wife in harms way. How is children didn't have a mother and how he didn't have his other half. All the progress she had made the last few months felt wasted. He couldn't wrapped his head around how his sister maimed his wife. How one moment she was there and one moment she wasn't.

She didn't look like herself, skin was many shades of blue. The outfit they picked for her to wear was classy. It wasn't her, she would've hated it. She hated pearls and dresses. He hated this, she would hate this. That pained him the most, that she isn't here to defend herself. He was too weak. He spent the last few nights pondering about everything. The ghost of her everywhere. When he looked at the coffee machine he saw Meredith concentrating pouring a cup of coffee, biting her lip. She always did when she was concentrated. Or looking at the garden in the backyard and seeing her watering the beautiful roses she kept. She had made the garden when he was away. Physically, obviously she wasn't there. But her thought lingered, following his every move. Even when putting his kids to bed he would look for his wife. This was the horrible reality and he just wanted to wake up. He wanted to wake up beside her again, at least one last time. Tell her how much he cherished her. How much he regretted everything. To hold her one more time. To kiss her soft lips. To watch her brush her hair softly from the other room. Anything and everything of her went through his head. If he had gone to work the day of the attack, this wouldn't have happened. If he hadn't abandoned her, if he didn't force her into surgery. The guilt overwhelmed him, his kids, and anyone in a ten feet radius.

Confused looks from the children, unsure why this had to happen to them. Unsure why their mother is gone. Unsure why life is so unfair. Ellis wouldn't sleep unless he wrapped one of her shirts around her. Zola wouldn't stop asking her father for every drawn out detail of her death. Bailey just cried. And Derek. Derek was mess going through her death note every minute he had alone. He physically couldn't sleep. No matter how hard he tried. Not that he tried, he was too obsessive over her death. Replayed every moment in his head.

"What is there to say when all is lost? She was brilliant surgeon and even better mother."

Anger filled his body. He didn't know her so why was he speaking like he did. "Derek he's just doing his job." Cristina whispered noticing him.

"I know. I just can't Cristina." He left his seat and walked towards the back of the service near a tree. He knew she wouldn't follow him, she had to watch the kids. Amelia stood up to follow but decided against it and sat back down.

He knew Meredith was exhausted in her last moments. He knew that she tried her hardest. He knew.

Addison stood up and followed shortly after him. "Derek." She sympathized. "You're going to regret not being at the service, I know you will. You don't have to sit up there, you can sit by me and Charlotte."

"No. I can't watch this Addie. I failed her. I failed my children, I can't do this."

"You have to. I promise you that you will regret not being there. Don't let your kids go through this alone." She reached out her hand.

Which he reluctantly took. He sat down next to her. His eyes staring at the casket and would not budge. The whites of his eyes were stained pink. They looked so empty. The blues of his eyes looked so dull. None of this was okay. He wanted to look over to Meredith for comfort but was met with the horrid truth that she was gone forever. She knew how to make him feel better. Whether it be flat out sex or listening to him talk about his problems. Or the way she would notice his terse mood and play with his hair while he poured a cup of coffee.  Or how he could just admire her from the other room playing blocks with Zola. Or she'd tried to make him feel better by cooking but end up needing his help. The little things.

Everyone went up to say final goodbyes. Alex for once didn't care if people saw him crying. His sister was gone. The one person who believed in him. Cristina was numb. Her eyes examined Meredith. She almost hated the clothes as much as Derek. They knew she would've thrown a huge fit. She would've rambled on and on about how it made her look stupid and needy. Richard and Miranda walked up at the same time holding each others hands preparing to see the girl they watched grow up. Callie and Arizona said goodbye to their dear friend. Bailey stared. Zola sobbed but was soon scooped up by her aunt Amelia. It broke his heart but he seemed to be stuck in time. He couldn't move from his seat. "Come on, Der." Addie tried pulling him up. He didn't break. "Snap out of it, say goodbye to your wife. She would want you to. She loved you, she loved you when she despised you. She needs you to say goodbye."

Addison walked him up to her. He couldn't process any of it. He was angry with himself. When she needed him most he wasn't there and she had to pay the consequences. Suddenly his hand reached for the pearls that laid around her neck. In a fit of rage unclipped it. "Derek..!" Miranda spoke up. Tears formed in his eyes. He placed the necklace in his pocket. He smiled but only a little bit knowing deep down this is what she would've wanted knowing she would've found humor in it. He placed a kiss on her forehead. To him she was still the most perfect woman he'd ever seen. It was quite an eerie scene to anyone who didn't know them. He didn't care. "I love you Mer." He cried holding her hand.

"We should start the burial." A man dressed in black spoke.

"That's his wife, give him some damn time." Bailey defended him.

Derek stepped back. "They can't bury her." He turned to his ex wife. "She can't leave."

"She's not there. That is her corpse. She's not her, she's gone. She's not coming back." Tears pricked her eyes seeing one of her best friends going through this. 

She walked him away even though his eyes would not leave her.

Time seemed to pass but he was a ghost. He just followed everyone like a lost dog. They had buried her near her sister and Mark. Roses were placed as a sign of respect. People left but for Derek?

Time stood still.

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The problem is,  fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable... it's the nightmares that always become reality. - Meredith Grey